Her answer was to turn and step into theiroffice: twin desks facing each other in a room filled with computers, papers, monitorscreens showing mouse brain cross-sections, and a few empty cages. A closed doorwith a red EXIT sign led out to a hall.
Liddy leaned on Paul’s desk to face him.
“I have a question,” she said, inhalinghard, folding her arms tight.
“Shoot.” He sensed this was going someplaceunpleasant, because his face tightened and he half-closed the door.
Quietly, she asked, “Would you be able towork separately? Minus him?” She cocked her head toward the door.
Paul blinked and frowned. “What?”
“You’re just as brilliant as he is. That latestdrug composition is yours, isn’t it? Your formula?”
“Well yeah – after a thousand other triesworking together. What gives?”
She turned away from him, still with herarms folded. “Your work is done. You’ve got your formula or whatever you callit, the grant people will be thrilled and” – she turned, pointed to the door - “he’llbe rich in prison.”
“Liddy…”
“You have to save yourself,” she whispereddesperately. “Cut ties professionally. Are you not aware of his tighteningconnection to Sasha Perry?”
Paul hesitated, then held up both palms. “Yes.We’ve talked more about it and it’s bullshit.”
“You’ve-”
“After Righetti’s. He says there’s nothingthere. Please, Liddy-”
“He had a fling with her. Somethingconnecting those two is what’s been making me crazy. Please, you have to getaway for my sake-”
“Oh Lids, what’s happening again?” He triedto reach for her; she cringed away. “I really, really fear for your mind-”
“Now who’s talking bullshit?” Liddy cried. “She’sdead, Paul. Sasha Perry is dead, the cops are closing in on Carl, you’dcover for him even if you suspected - and you don’t care about me.” Tearsliterally burst from her eyes and she turned for the exit. “Okay, I tried. I’moutta here.”
Paul grabbed her wrist and held tight. “Controlyourself,” he growled.
She whirled on him. “Why? Because youtell me to? You who don’t care what’s in front of you and don’t give a damnabout-”
The door opened. Carl came in, his lipspressed tight; saw Paul holding on to Liddy with her trying to break his grip.
“Knock it off,” he said.
Paul looked at him; let go just like that. Liddysaw the two of them trade glances. Something was happening here; something strangeas Carl’s expression turned regretful; looked at Liddy.
“Yes,” he said quietly. “Something – nobodyknows what - seems to have happened to that girl.” Then he held up his thumband index finger, a half inch apart. “But we’re this close to the least dangeroussurgical anesthetic ever developed-”
“Great.” Liddy backed away. “You’ll get theNobel and the chair-”
“-and this girl…Sasha…was troubled. Again,nobody knows what happened to her, so I beg you, don’t let progress like we’remaking-”
“You know what happened to her!”Liddy shot back, weeping. “You hide behind your white coat and think you’reimmune, but you’re not – and Paul’s done covering for you!”
Carl blinked; looked at her for a long moment.Then raised his hands in surrender, his eyes sorry as he looked back to Paul.
“I tried,” he said. “We’ve both tried, andI’m tired. Isn’t it time to tell your wife that this is your mess? I reallydon’t want the cops back again questioning me.”
He shook his head and left, closing thedoor behind him.
Liddy stood motionless, paralyzed.
“Your mess?” she breathed.
“Lids…”
Like an explosion, the memory flashed back.
“I know,” she whimpered. “I was there, beforethe accident. She was there, in our old apartment… Sasha… You tried tolie, say you were just helping her cope after Carl dropped her – and she lookedat you so hurt, started crying, ‘But you said you love me.’”
“Liddy.” He reached and she yanked away,backed around the desk.
“I came home,” she wept. “You’d both been…what?Skinny dipping? Her hair was wet.”
“Wet? What are you talking about?That’s not what happened!”
Liddy backed toward the exit. “Sasha lookedat me, I remember now. Her blue shirt was wet – that’s how I remember ablue shirt…and she looked sorry.”
She flung open the door and was out, careeninginto grad students who turned in the hall as Paul caught up to her, seized herwrist again but she ripped free.
“Please, I tried to stop you.”
“I ran into the street, saw the headlights,kept running-”
“Forgive, I’d been trying to break it off,”he begged as she burst through the heavy front door, started down the cementsteps with him at her heels. “She fell too hard for me, threatened to go to thedean, wreck everything we’d worked for, threaten us. She was unstable, hookedon uppers Carl gave her-”
Liddy spun on him. “Uppers Carl-?” Shealmost laughed. “You took Carl’s castoff, then bitched she fell too hard foryou? What are women to you creeps? Just toys to play with and lie to?”
She signaled a cab that pulled over. Paul wasdesperate, pleading. “I was a fool, out of my mind. I made a mistake.”
“Go to hell. You never said a word to helpme understand the accident.”
“So you’d run into the traffic again? Jesus,forgive, I didn’t know what to do!”
His words were lost as the cab doorslammed, and she was gone.
45
thrub a-dubhissss
higher hiss, soft…like a far radiofrequency…
Low steady ring ring ring…
These sounds in the ears: better with theeyes closed.
Sometimes the sounds faded, and then therewas only pain, the heart pulverized yet still somehow able to be astonished,just amazed at its own stupidity. Angry, too. Oh yes, very angry at the goodold stupidity. How much easier it is to live in the soft, blurry warmth of one’sown ignorance…
She opened her eyes and asked that question– silently – of the Striped One. What was it called? Wait, the mind wasn’tworking yet, was refusing to work…oh yes, it’s called angelfish, see it driftlanguidly through the water, its fins barely moving, without stress, so withoutstress, its snout down, pecking delicately through wafting grasses at flakes speciallyformulated…but here comes another angel, and a third one and look, they’regetting aggressive with each other. C’mon, guys, this tank isn’t big enough foryou? Beth said they get more territorial as they get older; they fight, eventhese slow beauties now still young enough to glide away from each other, wanderelsewhere in this
