My stomach tightens as I wait for Jesse’s reaction. Being adopted when your mother had been a high school girl who got pregnant by her football player boyfriend is one thing, and sympathetic. A mom who hung with gangs as a choice and the sperm donor was an unnamed drug dealer is entirely different.
“You were eight when they adopted you, right?” He asks as if my parentage doesn’t matter. Maybe he still has to digest this information and he’ll slowly start pulling away, breaking after I’m back at school, or maybe before. I can’t really blame him.
“Yep.”
“Wow!” He finally says. “You had a rough start.”
“That’s a mild way to put it.” I chuckle. “But, it’s also why I’m careful about all choices. One slip up, and everything could be gone.” I know it wouldn’t be, but that was how I felt before the O’Briens and many years after. I lived in fear of disappointment or screwing up and being tossed out to fend for myself. My mom’s friends threatened it a lot, and foster homes let me go often enough, that I decided early on that I was going to get an education, be able to fully support myself before I even considered any kind of romantic relationship. Jesse is the first person who had me wondering if maybe I was being too strict with myself.
“You’d still have your family and we all screw up.”
He’s right of course. “I just decided that it’s best not to have sex unless one was in a position to have and raise a child. I don’t care how careful a couple is, nothing is 100% safe except abstinence.”
“No truer words were ever said.” He’s shaking his head and makes me wonder if he thought he was completely safe when Cam was conceived.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insinuate that it’s wrong what happened with Cam. He’s a great kid and you are an awesome dad.”
“No. Don’t worry about that. I get what you are saying. It’s smart. Really. Sheri was on the pill, but I still used a condom, which broke by the way, but I wasn’t that concerned. Except, she was on the last days of an antibiotic for strep throat, and we both forgot that antibiotics might was well cancel out any birth control pill.”
“I have a friend with an antibiotic baby. She forgot too.”
“But, I wouldn’t trade Cam for anything in the world.”
“You are also in a position to support him. I’ve got two years of school left and I don’t want to cheat myself or any potential child.”
He’s nodding as if he gets it. “So, waiting for marriage.”
I shake my head. “No. Waiting for security. I’ll take it to the next level when I’m involved in a meaningful relationship, but not before I’m in a financial position that if, despite how careful, a child could result, I’m in a position to take care of that child all on my own.”
“It does take two,” he reminds me. “The guy has to take on the responsibility as well.”
“Not all guys are like you.” Sadly, I’ve seen it happen enough and the moms are left to raise the kid alone and hope of getting some type of child support. If the dad is still in school, there’s little to no money coming from him.
“So, you have a least a two year wait.”
This may be a deal breaker for Jesse, and I get that. But, I’m not about to compromise because a guy is really hot and I really like him. “Yeah. Unless I win the lottery. But, since I don’t play, it’s not likely.”
“I admire you for that.”
Admiration and wanting to stay in touch are two different things. Not that it matters. He has a ton of recovery ahead of him and I’ve got two years of school. I just wish we’d met after I was done with school, and I had a job. Things could be different.
“I’m also glad this decision has nothing to do with being a prude.”
I have to laugh. “I am so not a prude, and can be rather inventive.” My face heats again. Maybe I shouldn’t have added that last part. There are many ways a couple can have fun and get off without doing the deed. And, if things continue to progress, he might learn how much of a prude I’m not.
“So, lunch tomorrow?” I have to get off the subject of sex with Deirdre. If someone had told me that tonight I’d be discussing Deirdre’s virginity and life choices I would have asked if they’d been taking the drugs the nurses were pumping into me. I so did not see that coming. Not that I mind. In fact, I admire her a hell of a lot. More than before. But, it also makes me want her more. Hell, I’ve wanted her since Thanksgiving.
No, it has nothing to do with being the first guy, because there are some that really get off on that, but her reasons. I know that when the time comes and she finally gives herself to a man, it won’t be just her body, but her heart and soul too. That’s why I want to be that guy. I see a future with Deirdre. It’s a ways down the road, but I can’t wait to see what happens when I’m recovered and she’s graduated. Hell, it might take me two years to get back on my feet and I won’t be in any position to be in a relationship either.
If only there was a fast forward button I could push.
She’s staring at me, as if the sudden change in topic took her off guard.
“Never mind. You don’t have to keep coming up here. It is your Spring Break.”
“No, that isn’t
