Somehow, I’m okay.
Physically that is.
The anguish that shreds me from the inside out is nearly unbearable. It helps being at home now, but not tons. Because while I’m away from Ryan, I’m unable to avoid Roan.
Terrence is one of his best friends and he’s in a coma because of me.
Pain wraps around my heart like a noose. Roan came by with Hollis and Sebban, but he’d barely been able to look at me. I felt his disgust and anger. Because of his love for my brother, he kept it in check. Barely.
“You have a visitor, jailbird,” Penny says from the doorway.
Those two days in jail weren’t as scary as I thought. Aside from a few women trying to intimidate me, I survived.
“Hollis?”
“No, they’re stopping by later for dinner.” She pins me with a no-nonsense stare. “Roux.”
At the mention of her name, I shut down. Guilt threatens to swallow me whole. She was my best friend. Until Ryan grew jealous of our friendship. His fucked up threats had me cowering and avoiding her. The last thing I wanted was for him to mess with Roux.
“She wants to see me?” I choke out.
Penny rolls her eyes. “For such a smart girl, you really are a dumbass sometimes.”
With that Penny-ism, she bounces off, her blond ponytail swinging. I try to readjust myself in the bed to sit up. Everything is bruised and aching. Aside from a gash along my hairline that needed stitches and the multitude of bruises, physically, I’ll heal just fine.
It’s the emotional trauma of hurting Terrence and losing the baby that will eat me alive.
“Hey,” Roux greets softly from the doorway.
Her voice does me in.
I miss her so damn much.
Bursting into tears, I press my palms to my face and release the dam. The bed sinks down and the best friend I crushed with my cruel words wraps her arms around me, hugging me to her. I cling to her, inhaling her familiar scent.
I’m so, so sorry, Roux.
If I could stop crying, I’d say those words. I’d tell her I was an idiot to let Ryan rule my life. That I’ll be a better friend if she gives me another chance.
But I can’t say those words.
My sobs turn into hiccups and then I can’t breathe. Everything hurts inside. The pain is a knife carving excruciating reminders on the inside of every organ and bone. I want to forget it all. To disappear into a haze.
It’s in this frightening moment, I fully understand what Ryan’s done to me. I crave the release that so many of the pills he made me take offered me. The darkness. The bliss. And I hate it. I hate him. It’s a reminder of the hell he’s dragged me through.
“Shh,” Roux chokes out. “You have to stop crying or I’ll never stop crying.”
I let out a crazed, tearful giggle as I imagine us crying forever. It’s then I can breathe again. One ragged breath at a time. Roux strokes my tangled, greasy hair and whispers assurances that I truly believe because Roux never lies to me.
Things will get better.
She does love me.
Terrence won’t die.
The last one, she can’t know for sure, but I choose to believe it anyway. He’s in a coma because of the extent of his head injuries, but I hope one day he’ll come out of it so I can personally apologize.
At least there are other ways I can help Terrence, or Dad can. Samantha advised Dad that him offering to pay for Terrence’s medical bills would gain favor with the judge and she was right. When we had our hearing earlier today, the judge suspended my license for a year, made me pay almost ten grand in fees, and required substance abuse rehabilitation. He also mandated I take a victim impact treatment session, as well as perform one hundred hours of community service. The penalties could have been worse, so I feel like I got off easier than expected.
I’m not sure how long Roux and I lie here, but the room grows dark. Our crying has subsided. She holds me like she knows I’m shattered on the inside. Like she has the power to keep me together.
“I missed you,” I eventually rasp out. “So much.”
“I missed you too.”
We both grow quiet, aside from our sniffling that has started up again.
“I don’t know how you’re even here.” I swallow the ball of emotion in my throat. “After everything I’ve done to you.”
“It’s in the past,” she says. “Leave it there. All that matters is the here and now. The future.”
“I’m surprised Jordy hasn’t stormed in here looking for you. When I found out you guys got together, I was shocked.”
“He’s good to me.” There’s a smile in her voice that I envy. “He’d move heaven and earth for me.” She twists a ring on her finger. “Will you be my maid of honor?”
I take her hand, fighting tears once more. I missed so much in a year’s time. Roux went and fell for Jordy Martinez. The same guy who once tried to drown my brother. He’s so much older. I haven’t really witnessed them together, so it’s hard for me to even imagine it. Jordy is so intense and often scary. Roux is sweet and kind.
“Of course I’ll be your maid of honor. Someone has to do your makeup so you’ll be the hottest chick in Hood River.” My joke falls flat.
She chuckles anyway, trying desperately, like me, to reach that place we once were together. “Penny sure as heck can’t be trusted with eyeliner.”
We both laugh for real this time and it feels good.
“There’s something else,” Roux says. “I know this might be hard to hear, considering what your parents told me, but I think it’s best to pull the bandage off.”
“What?”
“I’m pregnant.”
The words burrow under
