***
He couldn’t take his eyes off her as she hurried up the stairs to the porch, unlocking the door and closing it behind her without looking back. He felt like he’d been hit by a bus, by a train, by a jet.
Erik stared at the building until he saw the light go on in her room, then bowed his head in frustration, slamming his fist into the steering wheel again and again until the skin on his knuckles split open. How had that conversation gotten so out of control? He just wanted to keep things casual so their families wouldn’t…wouldn’t…
The pain in his chest, in his heart, was so sharp; he winced, rubbing it with the heel of his injured hand. He had hurt her, but the worst of it was that he might have lost her, and part of him felt like weeping with almost-paralyzing fear.
She was furious with him.
Not coming back again was impossible.
He was screwed.
ENTR’ACT
Can I call you?
Can we talk?
–M
***
Ӓlskling, please write back.
It came out all wrong.
–M
***
It’s been three days, Katrin.
If you don’t write back, I’m coming down there.
Tonight.
–M
***
Please do not come down here.
Leave me alone, Erik.
You said yourself that there is no us.
And God forbid I get any more attached to you.
–Katrin
***
I got freaked out. I just wanted to slow down, not end things.
I’m sorry.
–Erik
***
You should be sorry. You really hurt me.
And you know what? You got what you wanted.
There’s no us, Erik – no labels for you to worry about.
Hope this is slow enough for you.
***
I’m coming on Sunday, Ӓlskling.
–M
***
Don’t.
***
You said not to come back unless I was coming for us.
We need to talk about us, Katrin.
I’ll be there on Sunday at 4pm.
–M
Chapter 12
She never wrote back.
She hadn’t written since Thursday.
Don’t.
One word that made him sick to his stomach with worry, made his heart ache with longing for her, with frustration, with anger at himself.
To say it had been a long week was an understatement. It had been excruciating. Interminable. He felt lost and sad; the real possibility that he may have lost her sat in his heart like iron, and he couldn’t remember ever feeling so miserable.
All the other times when he broke off things with a woman who wanted to get more serious, it had been his choice, and he only felt relief as he walked away, no matter how upset she had been. This time was totally different. This time the tables were turned. She was pushing him away, and it hurt. And only one thing hurt more: the idea that she was out of his life for good.
There was no way around it. He had been wrong. He thought they could hide their feelings for each other, keep their budding relationship a secret. But he saw now that they couldn’t. His feelings for Katrin were too big for him to take a step back; they weren’t going anywhere, and he was going to have to figure out how to get comfortable with the word “us” because another sleepless, desperate week spent longing for her, scared he had lost her, wasn’t something he ever cared to experience again.
Driving south toward Skidoo Bay, he thought of her coming down the stairs last weekend, how pretty she looked, dressed up just for him. He had ruined their evening with his doubts and fears. He felt thoroughly like the jackass she said he was.
Because the bottom line was that being an “us” with Katrin was better than being without her.
It was a small, but significant, step for Erik: the first time in his adult life that he needed to make space for someone else. And the thought did scare him. His heart beat faster with misgivings, old panic and fears about being tied down to someone, but then he’d think of her, of Katrin, and he knew he didn’t really have a choice. He simply couldn’t imagine his life right now without her in it.
It scared the hell out of him that his feelings for Katrin had reached a tipping point, but they weren’t at the beginning of some mild flirtation that could still be ended without leaving a mark. They were already in the middle of something, as she said, that was intense and real and growing and good. He didn’t really know what he was going to say to her once he got there, but if she still wanted him, he would figure out a way to deal with his fears because he sure as hell wanted her.
He pulled up in front of the clinic and parked his car. It’s not that he was expecting her to be watching for him from the swing or sitting on the front steps, but the sharpness of his disappointment surprised him. Apparently, he’d been hoping she’d be waiting for him.
He rang the doorbell, and was further surprised when José answered, regarding Erik with cool eyes.
“Erik.”
Old rivalries die hard. “José.”
“What can I do for you?”
Erik really hated this guy. “Is Katrin here?”
José’s eyes narrowed as he eyed Erik. “She didn’t tell you? Ingrid didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?” He didn’t like José’s tone. His heart started beating faster. What was going on? Where was Katrin?
“She’s sick. She caught—”
Erik barreled past him, knocking a vase of white roses off
