Hadley pulled my head down so that I was kissing her. I pulled away long enough to grab a condom from my nightstand. I forgot everything, but the smell of her skin and the feel of her hot and slick beneath me. I flexed my hips, my cock sliding inside her. Her warm heat surrounded my cock, urging me to move faster and harder.
“So, good.” Hadley’s nails skipped down my back, leaving goosebumps in their wake, and pulling me deeper inside her.
I pounded into her, wanting to forget my past, Caroline, anything that distracted me from where I was. I concentrated on the physical sensations—her smooth skin, the sweat trickling down my back, the flex of my hips, and the feel of her hot wet pussy. I was here. I was alive. I deserved everything. Emotion burst out of my chest—indescribable and larger than anything before and spilled from me over to Hadley. This woman was special. She was beautiful, larger than life, and here with me.
Hadley cried out as her pussy spasmed around me. I lowered to my elbows, kissed her neck, and slowed my movements while she rode out her orgasm. Her whimpers and cries of pleasure washed over me.
When her body relaxed, she placed light reverent kisses on my cheek, my neck, my shoulder. Being with Hadley was more—it was special.
I ignored the nagging thought that I wasn’t ready. I’d had sex with a beautiful woman who intrigued me. Nothing more.
I shut my eyes tightly. I tucked my head tucked next to hers, concentrating on the tightening of my balls. She turned her head, her lips pulled on my earlobe, and when she bit lightly, I exploded.
I sagged into the mattress, trying to keep the bulk of my weight off of her. That was intense. My brain flooded with emotions, but I focused on the feel of her body—hot and sweaty under me. Her arms tightened around me. I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay inside this woman and avoid reality for as long as I could.
“That was—”
“I know.” I didn’t want her to say it out loud. Then it would be real. The glimpse I had of what we could be, scared me. I didn’t want to screw this up and feel guilt or remorse for being happy.
I kissed her shoulder. “I’ll be right back.”
I didn’t look at her as I walked to the bathroom to clean up. If I stayed, I would have said what I was feeling. I closed the bathroom door seeking separation from her and everything we’d shared. I gripped the counter and looked at myself in the mirror—my hair was messy, my skin flushed, and my eyes troubled. This was wrong. I wasn’t supposed to be with anyone after Caroline. She never permitted me to move on, but I hadn’t discussed it with her either.
Why did being with Hadley feel so right when it should feel wrong? A chill ran down my spine as the sweat dried on my skin.
“Cade, are you okay?” Hadley’s voice filtered through the closed door.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute.”
I washed my hands and cleaned up. I took a deep breath before I returned to bed. Hadley watched me from the same position she was in while I left. She lifted her arms to me, and I quickened my steps until I placed one knee on the bed and allowed her to pull me next to her.
“Everything okay?” Her eyes filled with concern.
“Of course.” I immediately felt awful for giving her a rote answer, one that wasn’t even remotely true.
“That was intense, huh?” She’d kept her voice light, but her eyes were dark like she knew this was tough for me.
“It was.” I was surprised she seemed to understand how difficult this was for me. It stirred up so many emotions I hadn’t felt in years.
“It’s okay to feel guilty.”
I winced. “Is it?”
“Have you been with anyone since Caroline? I know it’s none of my business but if I’m your first—”
“I was with one other woman, but I didn’t feel anything for her. Not like you.” That was vague enough to get my point across without revealing the emotions spinning like tumbleweeds through my body.
I settled on my back and pulled her to rest her head on my shoulder. I kissed her temple.
“That’s something at least.” Her voice was soft and tentative.
I couldn’t see her face. Was she relieved or disappointed? If I couldn’t love again—if I wouldn’t allow myself to have something with a woman, shouldn’t I walk away before she got hurt? It was the last thing I wanted. I wanted her in my arms, under me, and next to me. Any way I could have her, for as long as I could have her.
For the first time since Caroline was diagnosed, I felt my heart thudding in my chest, the blood pumping through my veins, and something else—hope, excitement, and anticipation for the future with Hadley. One where I showed her my town, taught her karate, listened to her worries, and supported her. I stroked her back.
“Let me know if anything changes or you feel differently. I don’t want to get hurt.”
I pulled back slightly surprised at the vulnerability in her words and her expression. “Look at me.”
She slowly tilted her head, her eyes sparkled with unshed tears, her face open and vulnerable.
“I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t intend to hurt you.” But I was scared I would anyway.
At the spark in her eyes, she knew I would. It was inevitable. How could I move on—truly move on? Hadley hadn’t even been in love before. She’d want a future filled with marriage and kids—everything I thought I had at one point and lost. I couldn’t make those plans again when I could lose her.
“I’m not sure
