His nostrils whitened and his lips moved as if he wanted to say something, a huge something, but then all he said was, ‘I have. We were one. I will never be one with anyone else.’
She tried not to flinch but god, it hurt so much that he would say that. That he would think it. Especially after what they’d just shared. The importance of it. At least, she’d thought it was important.
‘I told you I still love Anna.’
She breathed past the sucker-punch of pain his words brought and managed to say evenly, ‘You did.’
‘I thought I made it clear this—’ he waved his hand between them, ‘—was to help us forget our problems. With no strings. You agreed.’
‘I did.’
‘So why did you say that? That we’re one?’ The betrayal in his voice was so vivid, it hurt.
‘Because …’ Oh god. There was no reason other than she loved him. And she couldn’t say that. Not now. She wanted to sink through the floor and disappear. This was not going as she planned. But then, when did anything go as planned for her? Her history was full of a life with no plans. What had made her think that had changed? Could change? How could she be such a good doctor and yet so shit with her personal life?
Why had she thought having an epiphany would make some kind of difference with him?
‘Well? Prita?’ He was staring at her, waiting, accusing.
‘I didn’t say it, I thought it.’ Well, that makes it all so much better, Prita. She almost rolled her eyes at herself as the dumb words echoed between them.
His gaze was a little wild as he stared at her. She didn’t quite know what he was looking to find in her expression—contrition? Guilt? Insanity? Well, he might find that because this was insane. How could being in love with someone be so bad? Why did she feel like she’d done a criminal act? He was looking at her as if she’d been the one setting the fires, threatening to burn down his home, to make everything he’d worked so hard to achieve turn to ash, exposing everything he’d worked so hard to hide.
Oh shit.
Her mouth fell open as she realised what she’d done. What he’d been using her for. It wasn’t just a distraction for him. He thought this could fix him. That he could take this from her and keep his love for Anna on the pedestal it had always been on and never move forward, always look back at what he’d lost, not what he could gain.
The hurt of it burned in her lungs, stung her eyes, made her take in a little gasping breath. Then made her say something she should never have said to him. ‘Why would I love someone who has tied himself so inexorably to the past because he can’t move past his fears? I’d have to be pretty stupid to fall in love with someone who would only ever love a ghost.’
The lines bracketing his mouth turned white—rage, fury, she wasn’t sure because his eyes were cold, blanked of all emotion. ‘I thought you understood what this was. My mistake.’
Then he turned and the kitchen door banged behind him, the sound, dull, empty, shocking.
The front door slammed shut a moment later, the sound echoing through the house like the banging of a gavel signalling a life’s sentence of heartbreak and loneliness. Prita started to shiver, arms wrapped around herself as she leaned back against the table. What had she done? How could she be so stupid as to not have seen what was happening? He had obviously fooled himself into thinking that what was between them could help him overcome his fears the fire season brought, but that was just a surface thing, not the truth of the matter at all.
And she’d just thrown that truth in his face in the most callous way imaginable.
She’d always prided herself on her empathy. The hypocratic oath had seemed such an easy thing to uphold. Do no harm. She laughed, a bitter, horrid sound in the quiet of the house. She couldn’t have done more harm with what she’d said than if she’d picked up an electric saw and cut out his heart. That look in his eyes, she’d never forget. She had no doubt he would never forget it either.
She bowed her head, hands covering her face as she breathed past the panic, past the pain, trying to think of a way she could fix this.
But how could she fix something so irreparably broken? He’d trusted her to help him and she’d slapped him in the face then backed it up by crushing his heart, his soul, his very belief in the person he was trying to be. Had he been wrong in using sex with her to make him forget his fears? Yes. But that wasn’t a crime. It was a mistake, a hurtful mistake, but nothing more than that. He wasn’t the kind of man to have done such a thing out of cruelty. Whatever else he was, he was kind and good.
Things she’d thought she was.
How the fuck was she supposed to fix this when she didn’t even know if she could trust herself?
Perhaps she wasn’t the best parent for Carter after all. Perhaps she couldn’t be the doctor this community needed.
She stood there for long moments feeling sorry for herself. What was she going to do? She had no idea, but one thing was certain—she couldn’t stay here. There was only one thing she could do. Go to Chandra and tell him she and Carter were coming home with him and Vivaan. They’d make it work. Until Carter’s dad came to take him away and then she wouldn’t care what happened because what could matter to her then when everything she loved most was gone?
She rubbed at her chest, knuckles digging into her sternum as she tried desperately not to cry. If she cried, she’d end up
