“I’m not walking away, Kelli.”
“Everyone walks away, Colm.”
“Is that what you really think?”
Was it? Kelli didn’t know how to respond to that because until those words flew from her lips, so certain, so…
Oh God.
Bitter.
She’d sounded bitter.
A few thousand concrete bricks came crashing down on her head as she struggled to catch her breath, to think of some joke, some way to shove off the crushing weight on her chest before she suffocated.
It took a minute before she found her voice again. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you and I to…” Her words faded to nothingness…because she didn’t know what else to say.
She wasn’t sure what Colm saw in her face, but given how well he knew her, she figured he could tell she was silently freaking out.
And because he was a good man, he dropped that argument. Sort of.
“So use me as the sperm donor. Pretend I’m the orthodontist in Iowa.”
“You want to gift me with sperm?” she asked incredulously.
“Why not?”
“You know why not. Colm, I didn’t ask you originally for the same reason I didn’t ask Paddy. Neither one of you would ever walk away from a kid you helped create. Besides, we don’t live six states apart. We see each other. All. The. Time. You’re going to see my baby a lot because I want your family to be a part of his or her life.”
“You keep talking about this relationship like it’s already over. Like we’re going to erase the last month, rewind the clock, and go back to bickering and giving each other a hard time.”
“If we were smart, that’s exactly what we’d do.”
She didn’t miss the disappointment in his tone when he said, “You know better than that, Kell.”
He was right. She did.
“We’re not those people anymore. We couldn’t be those two again if we tried.”
“Colm—” she started.
“This is the new normal, Kelli. This. Right here. Right now.”
She shook her head, searching desperately for some way to counter his claim, to prove him wrong, but she couldn’t come up with a single thing. Which scared her even more.
Why was her gut telling her this wouldn’t work? Was she really that jaded? That convinced forever didn’t exist?
“Why are you shaking your head?” he asked. “What part of this is so hard for you to accept?”
Kelli wasn’t sure if she was shaking her head at him or at herself, suddenly not liking all the hard facts hidden in shadow he was thrusting out into broad daylight. “Dammit, Colm. It’s only been a month. That’s way too soon to—”
“To what?” Colm interjected, rising from the couch. He was frustrated, and that emotion, suddenly wafting off him in waves, fueled her own aggravation. She stood too, refusing to give him the power position. They were standing toe-to-toe, facing each other down.
This stance, between them, was as familiar to her as breathing.
Colm waved his hands in the air. “Why do we need months or years to know what this is? Jesus, Kell! You know me. You know every fucking thing there is to know about me.”
“You’re not being practical,” she countered.
“No. You’re not thinking.”
She narrowed her eyes, but before she could call him to task, he continued.
“What don’t you know about me that you think is suddenly going to change this thing between us? Have you seen me in a bad mood in the past?”
“Of course I have. You were a complete pain in the ass all through puberty.”
“Are my bad moods going to be a deal-breaker for you?”
“No. Of course not, but—”
“What about my temper?”
“What about it?” she asked.
“Is it too much? Do I ever scare you?”
She scowled. “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course not. I have a way bigger temper.”
He nodded. “You’re right. You do. And it’s not a deal-breaker for me. What about work? Do you think I’m a workaholic?”
“You work long hours sometimes, but no. You’re not a workaholic.”
“So my job isn’t a problem for you?”
“No, but—”
“I’d ask you if you had any concerns about us in the bedroom, but we both know I’m more than capable of giving you mind-blowing orgasms every single night.”
The old Kelli was digging deep for some way to wipe the cocky grin off Colm’s face, but the asshole was right. Again. Sex was never going to be an issue for them. Unless it was the fact neither of them seemed capable of getting enough.
“Do you think I’d be a good father?”
His question knocked the breath from her—because it wasn’t even something that required thought. “You’d be…an amazing father.”
He’d been gathering a pretty good head of steam until that response. Her answer seemed to calm him down a bit, and he smiled. A charming, sweet, wonderful smile.
“What don’t you know about me, Kelli, that you haven’t learned in the last thirty years?”
The answer was simple.
Nothing.
And yet, she couldn’t give it to him. Couldn’t admit it.
“Can I…can you…give me some time?” Kelli couldn’t think with him standing so closely. And she desperately needed time to gather her thoughts, to come to grips with some issues—that bitterness; that unexplored fear of Colm leaving her just as her father had, which she hadn’t realized was there—before she gave him an answer.
Colm studied her face for a moment, then nodded. “Sure. What do you need? Five? Ten minutes?”
She laughed, loudly, leaning forward until her forehead was pressed against his chest. “God, you’re a cocky son of a bitch,” she said, between giggles. “A pain in the ass. A thorn in my side.”
Colm wrapped his arms around her, his cheek pressed to the top of her head, swaying gently, until she managed to contain her mirth.
“I just need a little bit of time.”
He sighed, the sound letting her know he didn’t want to give it to her.
But…she did know him. Knew him well enough to know he’d give it to her anyway.
“Okay,” he said at last. “But I’m telling you
