“We both knew he was dumping me before he went off to college. But we broke up before then.” She paused, debating whether she should reveal the reason. The words came out with so much shame. “The last time we hooked up, he got all rough again. I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. Then he pulled down a knife.”
“A knife?”
“You know the knives he kept over his bed? He pulled one down and held it to my throat.”
“Did he threaten you?”
“It was more like he was trying to scare me. It worked. I totally freaked out. Afterwards, he said he was just trying to be kinky, but I knew it was worse than that. It’s like he enjoyed the power he had over me. He enjoyed my fear. I knew it wouldn’t be a one-time thing. That’s why I broke up with him.”
“You broke up with him?”
“Technically, yes. But that’s not what he told people. I ignored his phone calls for a day. That’s when he decided to tell half the school he dumped me. Called me all sorts of names. Told stories that weren’t even true.” She looked up with tears in her eyes. “I guess he wanted to ruin my reputation before I could ruin his.”
“You should have told people the truth.”
“Six months ago, if I’d told you Brian pulled a knife on me during sex, would you have believed me? Even if you did, would his friends? Our teachers? I just wanted him to leave for SCU so I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore.”
“Did you tell your parents?”
She raised her hands and shook her head. “Way too embarrassing. Like everyone else, they assumed he’d moved on to bigger and better. They knew I was hurting, though. They signed me up with a therapist.”
“Did you tell your therapist? You know, about how he was with you?”
“Bits and pieces.” She looked away, and I wasn’t sure I believed her. “My therapist encouraged me to confront the person who hurt me. That’s why I went to your house that day. I wanted him to know even if he fooled everyone else, I knew the truth. He’d hurt me, but he hadn’t destroyed me.”
Amber was trying to come to terms with what Brian had done to her. She wanted closure. I respected that, but he didn’t like being put in his place. “It’s probably best he’d already left.”
She sat up straighter. “I’m just trying to get through high school. I’ve already picked out some colleges up north. I’m getting the hell out of here.”
I didn’t know if I’d ever seen anyone transform as much as Amber. The giddy, preppy girl who’d entered high school was nothing like the despondent one leaving.
“I’m sorry Brian hurt you,” I said, knowing it wouldn’t be enough.
“It’s not your fault,” she said. “But I can’t be around you without thinking of him. And I don’t want to think about him anymore.”
“I understand.”
“So, why now? It’s been almost a year since we broke up.”
“I can’t say.”
“I tell you all that, and you just leave me hanging?”
“I know. I’m sorry. I just—I need to know if I’m right first.” I didn’t want to tell Amber my suspicions until I had proof, and I wasn’t sure what proof would mean. Plus, if Amber already felt guilty over how she handled the situation, learning Brian’s behavior had escalated might further derail her. “I’m hoping I’m wrong.”
She no longer looked curious. She seemed fearful. Worried. “Like I said, being around you is hard. But I’m here if you need me.”
“Thanks,” I said. “It would be nice to talk again.”
I left her room and rushed downstairs. I ran into the open street and gulped the humid air. I struggled to breathe. I struggled to think. Then, I started walking home.
Thirty-Eight
Now
I’m still crying when I return home. It’s like Brian was this little secret I kept locked away. He’s only real to me and Danny and Dr. Walters. Intermittently, Mom. But knowing someone like Zoey knows about Brian and the awful things he did brings his spirit back in full force. He might as well be in the living room with me, laughing as I cry.
I don’t tell Danny about Zoey’s threat. He’s already worried. I don’t want him to know that my psychotic student has defeated me. Danny knows I’ve been reprimanded at work, and I still haven’t told him Bowles suggested it could cost me tenure. How would he look at me if I were to lose my job over this? Over Zoey? Until now, Brian’s been a dark cloud following me from one stage of life to the next. Will he follow my unborn child’s life, too? Will Brian be part of his or her legacy?
When Danny returns home, we eat and watch television, but we don’t talk. With each quiet moment, I rebuild whatever walls between us I thought we’d broken down last night.
I don’t want to report to school on Thursday. It doesn’t matter that I’m expected to work alone in my room all day, entering final grades and making preliminary copies for next year. If there is a next year. The thought of seeing anyone makes me want to vomit.
After a few hours, I make the decision to leave. If Bowles wants to punish me for skipping out early, so be it. He certainly won’t give me tenure for suffering through one last day. And that’s all I’m doing. Suffering. Being in my classroom reminds me of Darcy and Zoey, how I’ve let this entire situation ruin my life. Just as I’m about to open my door, someone knocks. I look through the narrow glass and see Pam. She sees me, too. There’s no way I can just avoid her. I open the door.
“Hey,” she says. We’ve not talked properly since I had my conference with Bowles. I have no idea where the Darcy situation is headed. She looks at the bag around my shoulder. “Are you heading
