She led him out of the room while Martha took his place in the chair.
Jacob was really out of it—more from emotional strain than exhaustion, she suspected. She guided him to the bedroom that had always been his and pushed him toward the bed. “Lie down for a while.”
When it looked like he was about to climb into bed with his clothes and shoes on, she stopped him. “You’re still wearing your painted-on stuff. Take them off so you’ll be more comfortable.”
He did what she said without argument. He still seemed to be in a daze. She watched as he toed off his shoes, pulled off his T-shirt, and shucked his jeans. He got into bed in his boxers and socks.
She wasn’t sure what she’d been planning to do, but the sight of him there was too much for her. With her heart lodged hard in her throat, she took off her shoes and climbed into bed beside him, wrapping him in her arms.
He hugged her back, and they lay together like that for a few minutes. His body was tense and shaking slightly and hot as fire. She hated that he was holding everything in like this. He was feeling so much and wouldn’t let it out. It was paralyzing him.
She squeezed him and stroked his back and thick hair. His breath was loud and raspy in the otherwise silent room. Occasionally the bed squeaked when one of them moved.
“It’s okay to grieve,” she murmured at last, needing to say something—anything—that might help. “It’s okay to be sad that you’re losing him. Jacob, it’s okay. You’re allowed.” She pulled back from the full-body hug enough to see his face.
He was pale, the dark scruff on his jaw a dramatic contrast to the shade of his skin. He gave a dry huff. “He would hate that. He always wanted me to be a man.”
“You are a man. Men grieve too.” Tears were beading in her eyes, just on the edge of falling. She moved her hand so she could cup one of his cheeks. “He was wrong, Jacob. You know he was wrong. You know it, so why are you acting like he was right? Men can feel things. Men can be soft. Men can be emotional. They’re human beings just like women are, and all of us are made to feel as much as we’re made to think and do. He was wrong, Jacob. Please don’t believe him now.”
Jacob was leaning his face into her hand. He was trembling more intensely now. He didn’t make a single sound.
“Oh baby,” she rasped. “You can love him and still admit he was wrong.” She was reaching desperately, searching for anything she could say that might help.
For some reason that was the thing that did it. He made a choking sound and gathered her against his chest, squeezing her tightly as he finally let go of the desperate grip he’d had on his feelings. His body was racked with silent sobs as he hugged her.
She hugged him back, feeling like her arms were the only thing holding him together.
It lasted only a few minutes until his body started to soften, grow still. She loosened her arms, gently caressing his hair.
“I do love him,” he said at last, thick and soft.
“I know you do.”
“I thought I hated him, but I don’t.”
“I know you don’t.”
“But I’m still so angry about... and that makes me feel so guilty.”
“It’s okay to be angry. You can love him and still be angry. You can do both. Our hearts are big enough to hold both those things at once. Love is big enough for both.”
He let out a long breath. “Yeah.”
“But don’t let him turn you into a hard, cold reflection of the man you really are. He was wrong to ever want that, so don’t let that be his legacy. He wanted you to be happy in the end. He was worried about it. He asked me to check on you. He loved you, despite everything. Let that be his legacy.”
Jacob made a strangled sound and tightened his arms almost painfully for a few moments. Then he relaxed with a long exhale. “Yeah.”
When she felt his body soften completely, she pulled back again to check his face. He looked okay now. Soft and groggy and emotional but not with that aching tension anymore. She kissed him, intending it to only be a quick, tender gesture. But his mouth clung to hers needily, and her heart couldn’t help but respond.
They kissed for a few minutes, gentle and needy and almost clumsy. Ria was feeling more tender than sexy, but gradually she was aware of how Jacob’s body was tightening and warming. He was growing hard in his boxers. She could feel the length of him against her middle as they kissed.
Making a decision quickly, she pushed him over onto his back and started kissing her way down his chest.
“What are you doing, sweet...” His voice trailed off as her mouth got lower. His eyes were closed, and his neck arched slightly.
She carefully pulled down his underwear and took his erection in both her hands.
He was moaning uninhibitedly, shifting his hips restlessly. He clearly didn’t have any of his typical control.
“Oh fuck, Ria,” he choked out when she adjusted her position and then licked a line down the underside of his shaft. “Fuck, you don’t have to... Oh fuck, that feels so... You don’t need to...”
“Shh.” She kissed him, tender despite the carnal act. “I want to do this for you.”
He groaned again when she took him full in her mouth, wrapping her fingers around the base to hold him in position. His hips started rocking up toward her in tight, hungry pumps, and she did her best to accommodate the motion. She wasn’t very good at this. She hadn’t really had a lot of practice. But she did the
