‘I was looking so long for your glasses,’ Susannah lied.
‘You know right well I always leave them on my dressing table,’ her mother said, not believing a word. ‘Were you daydreaming again in one of your books?’
‘I read,’ Susannah snapped. ‘That’s not daydreaming.’
Kate gave her a warning look, but Susannah was annoyed. Why did her mother always try to stop her from reading? ‘I’ve homework to do for school on Monday,’ Susannah said. ‘I don’t have any more time to do chores!’
Their mother stopped lacing and gave Susannah an icy stare. ‘Well, it will have to wait,’ she said. ‘We have to finish this, as well as attaching the taffy lacing to Mary Carver’s dress.’ She stood up from the lacing stand and put down her shuttle. ‘In fact, you can take over for now, and help your sister finish these bags off while I finish off the dress,’ she said. ‘Luckily it doesn’t take any great skill.’
‘I can’t, I’ve homework to do, I told you,’ Susannah said defiantly.
‘You are trying my patience, young lady,’ their mother said. ‘If we don’t get these jobs done, we don’t eat – or do you think reading your books will feed us?’
‘Come on, Susie.’ Kate tried to diffuse the tension between their mother and Susannah. ‘It won’t take us long.’
Susannah reluctantly sat down at the lacing stand.
‘Why can’t you knuckle down like your sister?’ her mother said as she pinned the taffy lace to the cuffs of the wedding dress. ‘Learn useful skills, so you’ll find a good husband who could provide for you and a family.’
‘The idea of having a baby makes me feel sick,’ Susannah declared, slamming the shuttle through the yarn.
‘Oh, you don’t mean that, Susie,’ Kate said, looking shocked. ‘I can’t wait to be a mother. I want at least one of each. A boy and a girl.’
‘Your father and I planned to fill this house with children,’ their mother said, her voice sad. ‘Ronald always wanted a son to follow in his footsteps.’
Her mother’s words hurt Susannah’s feelings. Had she not been enough for her father because she was a girl? Why were daughters of less value than sons?
‘That’s why you girls need to be good in the house, because we’ve no man to take care of us now,’ their mother said.
‘But what if I went to college?’ Susannah ventured. ‘Get a good job after I graduate. I could take care of us!’
‘College!’ Their mother stopped sewing, looking at Susannah as if she’d suggested she wanted to fly to the moon.
‘Mr Samuels says my grades are the best he’s ever had,’ Susannah said proudly. ‘He thinks I’ve potential. I could become a teacher, or work in a library like Mrs Matlock.’
‘Mom, Susannah really is the best at school, everyone knows it!’ Kate said, and Susannah felt a flood of gratitude towards her sister.
‘Wake up, girl!’ their mother snapped. ‘We’ve discussed this before. I don’t have money to send you to college.’
Their mother put Mary Carver’s dress down and walked over to the lacing stand. Stood over Kate, so she was facing Susannah. She seemed even taller than ever, standing against the white frame of snow outside, her fair hair gleaming in the light from the window, her blue eyes glacial.
‘Even if we could afford it, why would you want to leave your sister and I?’ she said, sounding injured. ‘College isn’t for the likes of us. We belong here, on Vinalhaven.’
‘No, I don’t, I don’t!’ Susannah stopped lacing and yelled at her mother in frustration. ‘I hate this island and I hate our life. Everything is slow and old-fashioned.’
Their mother picked up one of the shuttles and slammed it onto the top of the stand, so that both girls jumped in fright. ‘Don’t you dare raise your voice to me,’ she bellowed at Susannah, as tears started in Kate’s eyes. ‘You’re a disgrace. Why can’t you be more like your sister?’
Susannah jumped up from the lacing stand, faced her mother. ‘I’m getting out of here one day. I will, you know,’ she spat.
‘Go to your room this instant!’ their mother shouted, her voice shaking with anger. ‘I can’t abide to look at you!’
Susannah ran out of the room and up the stairs, her heart thumping with the drama of the argument. She would not cry. She was sorry for making Kate cry. Her sister always wept when she argued with her mother. But she refused to submit.
It was only hours later that their mom came up the stairs. She sat on the end of the bed and put her hand on Susannah’s shoulders as she turned away from her.
‘I only want what’s best for you, Susannah,’ her mother said. ‘I don’t want you to be disappointed.’
Susannah said nothing, buried her face further into the pillow.
‘You’ll understand one day,’ her mother said to her. ‘When you have children of your own.’ She stood up, sighing.
Susannah wanted to shout at her in frustration. She didn’t want children, so she never would understand! But she knew there was no point. From now on, she’d keep her dream secret – but she would never give up on it.
Emer
11th October 2011
When Emer had woken up this morning, Susannah had already been at her desk, typing away on an ancient typewriter. Emer loved the sound of her fingers tapping the keys, and the zip of the return.
‘Can I get you anything?’ she’d asked Susannah. ‘Have you had any breakfast?’
But Susannah had waved her away.
‘Not hungry,’ she had said gruffly.
‘Tea, then?’ Emer pushed. She knew Susannah must be in pain if she didn’t want to eat, but she should have something.
‘I suppose.’ Susannah sniffed. ‘Black, no milk. It doesn’t agree with me.’
When she’d brought back the tea, Emer had been careful to place it on a little side table by Susannah’s desk. ‘What would you like me to do?’ she asked Susannah. ‘I can do some cleaning or laundry for
