‘Yes. Apparently women are better suited to space travel. We have more stamina.’ Jocelyn finished Milly’s sentence smoothly for her and Susannah noticed the two women clasping hands beneath the table.
‘Yes, it’s true,’ Professor Whittard said. ‘I know about the tests. It’s all happening out in New Mexico. But I’m afraid to say, ladies, it will definitely be a man who sets foot first upon the moon.’
After the dinner party was over, Susannah helped Clara clean up and wash all the dishes. She carried the trash out to the bins at the back of their rental house in Oxford. It was at that precise moment she saw Jocelyn and Milly departing for home. Milly opened the passenger side door of their car for Jocelyn, and bent down to kiss her on the lips as she got in. When Milly got into the driver’s seat, Jocelyn leaned over and kissed Milly back. Susannah watched the two women kissing in their car for a long, thrilling moment before they separated and drove off.
She walked back into the kitchen, liberated. Almost felt like taking Clara the cook’s wet hands and dancing round the kitchen with her. At last, she understood who she was. She’d always known she was different, had found out Ava was different too – but they weren’t alone.
Her first night back at Harvard, Susannah told Ava about Milly and Jocelyn as they lay side by side in Ava’s bed.
‘You watched them kissing? But for how long?’ Ava teased her.
‘They looked so happy, Ava.’
‘As happy as us?’ Ava kissed her gently on the lips.
‘They couldn’t possibly be,’ Susannah whispered as she kissed Ava back. ‘As right now, I must be the happiest girl alive.’
That night, Ava became a part of her, as Susannah stroked her gently, listening for the slightest change in Ava’s breath, releasing and pressing, spinning her fingers into the softest parts of her. Surely nothing in nature was as beautiful as her darling Ava, or as perfect? The two girls barely slept, their love-making sustaining them all night long. In the morning, they lay spent, looking into each other’s eyes.
‘Have you ever loved another woman before?’ Ava asked Susannah.
She shook her head. ‘No, you’re the first. How about you?’
Ava gazed into her eyes. ‘I’ve slept with one other woman, in my first week at college, but I never felt about her how I feel about you.’
Susannah felt a twinge of jealousy. Of course, she’d known deep down there must have been someone before her. Ava had known what she was doing from the moment, they’d first kissed.
‘I thought I was doing something I shouldn’t, before, with her,’ Ava said. ‘But when we were together first, it felt so right. How can that be wrong?’
‘I know,’ Susannah agreed, holding tight onto Ava.
‘Let’s be like Milly and Jocelyn,’ Ava whispered to her. ‘Let’s have a secret marriage!’
‘Are you serious?’ Susannah’s heart was in her mouth at the thought of it.
‘I’ve never been more serious in my whole life.’ Ava looked at her with stern eyes.
Susannah held Ava in her arms, feeling the beat of her heart against her chest, wrapping her legs around hers. How they fit together, as if designed for it. Ava needed to know she was serious too.
‘I promise nothing, no one, will ever make me give you up,’ Susannah swore.
Later, the two girls went walking. Through their beloved Harvard, and on. They walked down the leafy streets of academics to the furthest edges of Cambridge, before jumping on a bus, leaving Boston city to enter the family suburb of Newton. Long, wide streets with house after house even larger and grander than the Whittards’ place. They got off the bus, continued to walk. There was no one else on the streets apart from the odd kid on their way back from school, yellow school buses trundling by. Pumpkins were already piled high on doorsteps, ready for Halloween.
Every few blocks, they came across a church. But none of them were right. Too big and grand. Too masculine. Finally, in a small park, they both stopped walking at the same time. Before them was a weeping beech tree split open, its boughs cascading glossy green leaves on either side. They could actually walk inside the tree, so they were hidden from anyone walking by. It was perfect.
Inside the hidden sanctuary of the weeping beech, they took their vows to love each other until the day they died.
20
Emer
26th October 2011
Here he was. Right before her in Vinalhaven, the sun setting behind him, taller and more beautiful than she remembered him. She didn’t need to ask Lars why he was there. She had become his compass as much as he was hers. She ran to him, and he took her in his arms, kissing the top of her head. Her cheeks were wet with tears.
‘I thought I’d lost you,’ he was saying. ‘Oh Emer, my darling.’
They pulled away, and Emer felt herself colouring. She had publicly embraced a man in the main street in Vinalhaven. Had anyone seen her? Lars didn’t care, clearly, for he took her hand and led her back along the street – but she tugged away.
‘I can’t,’ she said. ‘I have to be somewhere.’
‘You’re all dressed up!’ he said, looking at her outfit. ‘You look beautiful.’
She blushed. ‘I’m sorry, Lars, that’s why I have to go.’
For a moment, she thought of inviting Lars to go with her but then would it look like she was on a date with Henry? Instinct told her to keep the men apart.
‘Let’s just talk,’ Lars tried to persuade her.
‘I’m late already,’ she protested. At this very moment, Henry was probably ordering her a beer.
‘Please, we can’t talk out here on the street. Just come to my room for a minute.’ He took her hand again in his. It felt so good to feel his fingers around hers. The warmth and safety of his grasp.
‘Okay,’ she heard herself saying to Lars. ‘For a little while.’
He led her
