Susannah flinched. ‘Not sure I want to tell you anything about that. It was too long ago,’ she mumbled. She leaned back against the couch. ‘I guess, it might help me somewhat to tell you,’ she said, eventually. ‘It’s like I lug it round with me every day. The weight of what happened to my sister.’
Emer sat down on the other end of the couch and hugged her knees to her.
‘Don’t let that happen to you,’ Susannah said. ‘Let her go, because if you do not, you’ll just drown in your loss.’
‘I feel so guilty,’ Emer whispered.
‘It wasn’t your fault your sister died, Emer,’ Susannah counselled her. ‘She had cancer. But Kate’s life was taken from her by her husband. I should have protected her.’
Emer could see Susannah’s whole body trembling. She leant over, pulled the blanket up over Susannah’s knees, and tucked it in.
‘And then there was Ava,’ Susannah moaned. ‘I will never forgive myself.’ She turned to Emer again, her eyes flashing. ‘Don’t think you can let your true love go. Listen to me: I saw how it was between you and that young man today,’ Susannah said.
‘It’s over between us,’ Emer said.
‘It’s never over,’ Susannah insisted.
26
Susannah
July 3rd, 1960
Harvard, Cambridge
Dearest Katie,
It’s taken me several weeks to get the courage to write to you. But the silence from your end has upset me. I need to explain what you saw the morning after your wedding. I believe I know you the best, Katie, out of everyone in the whole wide world, and this is why I feel you will not be judgemental or narrow minded. I also wonder – did you not, for a second, have an inkling? I never liked boys. I never hid that from you.
What I share with Ava is a love so deep and special, it goes beyond the boundaries of friendship. It is spiritual, intuitive, all-consuming, and it is physical too. Ava and I are not alone, Katie. There are other women who feel the same way we do. Some of them never get a chance to be their real selves. They are trapped in marriages with men, to conform with society’s rules. But why persecute those who are different? Didn’t Jesus say Blessed are the persecuted for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven?
But it’s a sad truth that prejudices run very deep in this country, even here at Harvard and in academia. Ava and I need to be very careful and keep our love secret. All our friends and colleagues believe we are best friends and roommates. This is why I am asking you not to tell anyone, not even Matthew and especially not Mother, about what you saw. I was so hurt by your reaction, Katie.
Why did you refuse to talk to me for the entire day before we left? Was it because of Ava and I? Or was it to do with our argument before?
I was only offering you a way out because I thought you wanted one. I want you to be happy. That is the most important thing of all. Please write to tell me how your new married life is? I can’t bear the thought of my sister angry with me.
Susannah clutched the letter to her chest, running up the stairs two at time. By the time she burst through the door of their apartment on the fifth floor, she was out of breath and could hardly speak.
‘Hey, what’s up?’ Ava said, looking up.
She was curled up in her favourite corner of the room, on the green chair reading Susannah’s battered copy of The Ballad of Sad Café by Carson McCullers.
‘She wrote back,’ Susannah gasped. ‘At last!’
She tore open the letter from Kate, her heart tight with anticipation. It had been nearly five months since the wedding, and Kate’s silence had been driving her wild with guilt. She should never had said those things about her new husband. It had been plain dumb of her. Susannah had been terrified she’d lost Kate for good.
‘So what’s she say?’ Ava asked her, putting her book down.
‘Dearest Susie, I am sorry you haven’t heard from me in so long,’ Susannah read aloud, sitting down at their little table. ‘Married life keeps me busy, and Mother needs more and more help with the lacing. Her eyesight has gone very bad. What with looking after Matthew and making nets, I’ve very little time to write.’ Susannah paused to shrug off her jacket. Picking up the letter again, she continued, ‘I won’t lie, Susie, I was very shocked when I walked in on you and Ava. It’s very hard for me to understand. But I love you so much, I will try, I promise. Your secret is safe with me of course. All I want for you is happiness as well, and this is why I’m concerned. Do you not want to have children one day, Susannah? I do like Ava. I think she is a great girl. And I have never seen you so happy. I guess our life on Vinalhaven was one which never fit you right. I like to imagine you at Harvard some days, Susannah, when I look out the window across the harbour, all those miles of sea and land between us. But, sister, always we are connected. I would never break our bonds, even for Matthew.
‘I am sad it is clear you don’t like him. Please can you try to understand how I feel about him? It is the same as what you feel for Ava. My love for Matthew fills me right up and I couldn’t bear to be without him. You did not see the best side of him on our wedding day. He was nervous and drank too much. But he is a good man, provides well for me and Mother, and he will be a good father.
‘I can’t wait to get pregnant, Susie. Every day, the hope for it consumes me. A baby will bring
