‘You’re so beautiful,’ he whispered as he kissed her breasts; his lips pressed softly against her skin, all the way down her body.
If she had sex with someone else, it would really be over with Lars. She’d have to let him go.
She put her hands on Henry’s shoulders, and he raised his head, snaked back up her body.
‘Condom,’ she whispered.
‘It’s okay,’ he assured her. ‘I won’t get you pregnant.’
Again, a distant warning in her head. He’d just been talking about having kids… but he was already stroking her, making her soften, and ache with desire. Her whole being was present in this moment. She wanted him in her.
32
Susannah
November 1961
Dearest Katie… Dear Kate… Several times, Susannah sat down to write her sister a letter, but she could get no further than her name. For the first time in her life, words failed her. She decided to wait to hear from Kate, so at least she would have something to respond to. But the mailbox remained empty week after week.
Everything hurt. Her body, from what Matthew had done to her; her heart, from being let down so badly by her mom, and even worse, from Kate not having her back. Her head, from not knowing what to do. It was horrific to think of her sister captive in her marriage with such a brute. But unless Kate herself admitted it and asked for help, what could Susannah do? She missed baby Lynsey, and worried too about her. Would Matthew go as far as harming his own child? Should she go back to the island and try to take Lynsey? At least her niece would be safe then.
Ava counselled her it was more likely she’d end up arrested by the police if she did such a thing.
‘I could tell them he’s abusive?’
‘Do you think they’re going to believe you over him?’ Ava said. ‘Trust me, abusers can be the best actors in the world. And he’s a man, too. They will just call you hysterical and dismiss your concerns.’
Susannah hadn’t told Ava everything. When she had got back to their apartment in Cambridge, after her escape from the island, Ava had been angry and upset to see Susannah’s cut lip and bruised cheek.
‘Don’t ever, ever go back there,’ Ava said, as she held Susannah in her arms.
‘But what about Katie?’ Susannah said, her voice wobbling with tiredness and emotion.
Ava took a step back and gently stroked the side of Susannah’s face.
‘I know it’s hard to accept, my love, but she’s made her choice. We can’t force her to leave, because if we do, she’ll only go back to him.’
‘What’s he done to my sister? I don’t know her any more!’ Susannah said in frustration.
‘She knows you’re here, Susannah, and that’s what’s important. She has somewhere to run to, if she ever does decide to leave.’
‘She’ll never leave Mom,’ Susannah said glumly.
Her mother’s reaction to what had happened had shocked Susannah deep down. She tried to reason that her mother was afraid of Matthew too, but it hurt her deeply that her own mother had done nothing to protect her daughter.
She hadn’t told Ava everything. If she said nothing, maybe the fact of what had happened would fade anyway. But no matter how much she tried to block it – spending hours in the library poring over books, or late nights out with Ava dancing and drinking wine – the memory wouldn’t go away. For the first time in her life, Susannah felt fearful.
If she was walking home from the library after dark, she would get tense if a man walked behind her. Often, she’d cross the road back and forth several times, or go on a long roundabout route to avoid it. When she went on a protest with Ava, the whole experience was completely different from before. She no longer felt part of a community, but instead panicked by the size of the crowd and the hostility of the police. The next time Ava asked her to go on a civil rights march, she called off, saying she felt sick.
Worst of all was that the horror of what had happened to her had turned her frigid. Ever since she’d returned from the island, whenever Ava had wanted to make love she’d made excuses – I’m too tired, I don’t feel well – or even pretend she was asleep. Ava said nothing, turned over and went to sleep, but Susannah knew she was hurting her. She had to forget what Matthew Young had done to her, else she’d drive Ava away.
Christmas came with no word from her family. Susannah and Ava shared the festival together in their apartment. They found the top of a Christmas tree discarded in the street and decorated it with stars and bells they made out of card and string, before putting it in the window. Susannah gave Ava a copy of Joan Baez’s new record, Vol. 2.
‘I know it’s not really a surprise; you’ve been talking about it for months…’
‘I love it,’ Ava said, giving her a big hug, before putting the record on the turntable. ‘Open yours!’
Ava gave her a first edition of Emily Dickinson poetry.
‘Oh my god!’ Susannah whispered. ‘Where did you find this?’
‘In a bookshop, dummy!’ Ava said, looking pleased with herself.
Susannah felt so overwhelmed. She didn’t deserve this woman’s love. Ever since that terrible night in Vinalhaven, she’d been pushing her away again and again. Why was Ava still here, when she was so cold to her?
‘Darling, what is it? What’s wrong?’ Ava crouched down beside her.
‘I don’t deserve you,’ she whispered.
‘I think that’s for me to decide,’ Ava said, kissing her tears away, before softly kissing her lips. She paused, took Susannah’s hand and led her to the bed. But as soon as they were naked and under the covers, Susannah began to tremble. She tried to still her body, kiss Ava back, but all the passion she
