‘It’s not who I am any more. My parents are dead. My brothers and sisters gone I don’t know where. Why would I go back?’
Susannah often wondered about the timing of the last letter from Kate, on the very afternoon before the day of their departure. Had it been providential? A sign? If she had known everything would change forever as a consequence, would she have ripped it open so fast to read it?
One sheet. Just a few lines.
Dear Susie,
Lynsey is five now and I have another little girl, Rebecca – she’s two. When I see them together I think of us. I am sorry, dear sister. Can you ever forgive me?
After you left, we were so frightened. We hoped he might get better after Rebecca was born. But it’s worse.
I am leaving him. We have some money saved. We don’t care where we go. Just away from him.
Please come help me. I’m trying to persuade Mom to come with us. If you come, it will help. Arrive on a ferry first thing in the morning, any morning. He’ll be gone fishing. By the time he’s home, we’ll have left.
‘Don’t go,’ Ava said.
‘But I have to,’ Susannah said. ‘You told me if she ever reached out, I should be there for her.’
Ava stood among the boxes, frowning.
‘That was five years ago! You haven’t heard from her in all this time. After what happened, how could you ever consider going back there?’
Susannah went to Ava, took her hands in hers. ‘She’s my sister, Ava. I have to help her.’
But Ava shook her head. ‘Su, he’s dangerous. I don’t want you on the same island.’ She squeezed Susannah’s hand. Let it go. ‘Why can’t you send them a telegram with our address in New York? You don’t need to go and get them.’
‘He reads all her mail. He’ll know.’
Ava was hurt and angry. Susannah didn’t blame her. They were supposed to be leaving for New York the next morning. Ava started her new job in two days’ time.
‘I’ll bring them to New York,’ Susannah promised. ‘I’ll be right behind you. We’ll take the Greyhound bus from Boston.’
‘I don’t know,’ Ava said, looking worried. ‘By the sounds of him, he won’t let her go easy.’
‘I can’t turn my back on my family. Not now she’s finally been brave enough to say she’ll leave.’
Ava sat on the green chair. It belonged to the apartment, but Susannah would always associate it with Ava. It was the place she always sat to think.
‘Okay.’ Ava gave in. ‘They can stay with us until they find somewhere.’
‘Thank you, my love.’ Susannah squeezed in next to Ava on the green chair and hugged her tightly.
‘Well, I’m not sure what your mom will make of us sharing a bed, though,’ she said, giving Susannah a lazy grin.
‘Frankly, I don’t care what my mom thinks of me any more,’ Susannah said, giving Ava a kiss on the lips. ‘She must be real frightened of Matthew if Kate says she might come with her.’
Susannah couldn’t imagine her mother outside of the island. Would she be able to cope with New York? She had tried to stop caring about her mom after the awful things she’d said to her the night of the rape. Let her fall off the ferry into the Atlantic, she told herself. But another part of her couldn’t help worrying about her mom, too. Last time she’d seen her, there had been something a little not right about her.
Pushing thoughts of Mother from her head, she looked into Ava’s deep brown eyes. ‘Everything is going to be okay,’ she promised her.
It felt strange to be saying these words to Ava, because usually it was her lover who said it to her. All the times Susannah had broken down in bed, unable to bear Ava’s touch. Slowly and gently, Ava had coaxed her back, little by little, and her senses had been reborn. The idea of being apart from Ava, even for a few days, was torture. But she couldn’t let Kate down. Not now she’d finally found the courage to leave Matthew.
They made love, curled up in the green chair of their stripped apartment. Afterwards, Susannah often thought about that last hot, late summer afternoon in Cambridge, when she and Ava had been together. Their bodies slick with sweat, melting into each other. Feeling the beat of Ava’s heavy heart in the thick, roasting air. All of who they were was contained in their love-making. Their most primal selves, licking each other, wordlessly sensing the urges and wants of their bodies; and their most spiritual selves, looking into each other’s eyes. No need for words, for it was said in every tiny gesture – I love you I love you I love you.
With the sounds of afternoon stirring the street below as children went out to play after a hot, dusty day in school, lamenting the end of their holidays, and Bostonians emerged from the boiling subway, or sat on the café sidewalks and drank beer, Susannah got washed and dressed.
Ava sat cross-legged on the floor in her damp shirt, staring out of the window.
‘I’ll see you in a couple of days,’ Susannah said, bending down and kissing the top of her head.
Ava caught her arm.
‘Are you sure about this?’ she asked her. ‘I’ve a bad feeling.’
Susannah had never seen Ava so anxious. Not even at one of their most controversial protests.
‘I have to go get my sister,’ Susannah said, sounding determined, although inside she was tempted to give in to Ava. Start fresh in New York, and never think about her mom and sister again. But she knew it went against her grain to be able to do that. ‘If I was in trouble, Katie would come get me.’
‘But would she?’ Ava questioned, looking at her with searching eyes.
‘Sure she would,’ Susannah said,
