Still, she almost felt like there was a bullseye between her shoulder blades. Her gaze flickering between the woods and the breaker box, she flipped the switch and watched the electricity come back to life.
Liv yelped and covered her eyes, almost blinded by the bright rays of light. At least the fuses weren’t dead. She wasn’t certain she knew where any new ones were.
She took a deep breath and shook some of her jitters out. It was fine. Everything was fine. She headed inside. It was time to make dinner.
Woof!
Woof!
The barking was loud enough that it pounded into Liv’s head, rousing her from sleep. “Mocha?” Liv sat up, gazing blearily around the room. Mocha was at the window, her paws just up on the sill, bouncing and barking.
“Come back to bed,” Liv said. Mocha had probably seen a deer or something and had gotten sidetracked. She patted the bed, then blearily rubbed sleep out of her eyes. A quick glance at the clock revealed it was midnight. She groaned.
Mocha bounced and barked, her attention on the window.
“C’mon.” Liv tried to look sad, as if that would bribe her eternally stubborn dog into doing what she wanted her to.
Not surprisingly, it didn’t work.
Sighing, Liv got out of her bed and walked over to the window. Something moving outside caught her attention, sending chills down her spine. But the figure wasn’t dressed in black.
She was dressed in Gram’s nightgown.
Ignoring the fact that she was in mismatched pajamas, Liv bolted down the stairs, Mocha at her heels. She headed straight out the front door, ignoring the rain pelting down against her skin as she figured out where Gram was and headed for her.
Gram was wandering around, her hands held up to protect her from the rain.
“Gram!” Liv yelled, trying to be heard. At least there wasn’t a proper storm. She was no match for thunder or lightning.
Gram didn’t respond. Liv’s adrenaline kicked in, and it wasn’t long before she had her arm around Gram’s shoulders and Mocha was right on her other side. Both were shivering now, and the rain was still trying to drown them, but at least Gram would be inside soon.
Once she kicked the door shut behind them, she sat Gram down and went to turn the heat up. Her teeth were chattering, and she rubbed her arms, trying to warm her up. Next stop was the bathroom for towels, and clean clothes for both. Soaking wet pajamas did little to help restore body temperature.
She was especially worried about her Gram. If she wasn’t able to get her warmed up soon, Liv knew she’d have to call 911, and that was the last thing Gram wanted.
Liv closed her eyes, between a rock and a hard place, then brought the towels and clothes out and got to work.
Privacy was the most valued thing in her family. It was drilled into her when she was little. No matter what others said, unless they were ‘Trusted’, you didn’t speak to them. And even then, things were need-to-know.
It was the second to last time she saw Ryan. Liv was sitting on a park bench, staring at the ground. Stage 4. Her mother was going to die. It wasn’t a matter of if, it was a matter of when.
She didn’t let the tears fall to the ground. She didn’t let the emotions come to her face. “A private woman is a proper woman,” she could hear her mother say. Gram was the same way, but she showed it with looks. Gram, at least, was warm with her. Mom was distant.
Still. Mom was dying, and that fact rocked her to her core.
“Hey.” Ryan sank down onto the bench with her.
Liv didn’t react. She couldn’t react. She was falling apart inside, and she didn’t trust herself enough to share it with Ryan. She didn’t trust Ryan enough.
Thanks, Mom.
It was hard for people to understand, the sway that parents could hold over their child. Liv knew it was her own weakness, in a way, her ability to believe everything her mother was saying. But she couldn’t tell Ryan about her Mom. She couldn’t tell anyone. There would be no obituary, no funeral. Mom would just disappear.
“Are you okay?” Ryan leaned forward, her gaze concerned.
“Yeah.” Liv forced a smile to her face, which was, predictably, met by a frown from Ryan.
“You’ve cancelled our last four dates and I barely see you any more.” There was a hurt to Ryan’s voice, one Liv could understand.
What Ryan didn’t know was that Liv was in charge of taking her mother to chemo, to cancer treatments. Anything at this point to prolong her life, keep her there a little bit longer. But Mom would be so angry if Liv mentioned it.
Ryan let out a long breath. “Liv…” She trailed off, as if she regretted the words she was going to say. “I can’t do this any more.”
“What?” That drew a reaction, but the word was a monotone. She couldn’t have any more feelings, they were going to break her.
“You’re shutting me out. You’ve been shutting me out for months now.” There was definitely hurt in Ryan’s voice. “I can’t deal with it.”
Liv shut down the feelings that threatened to rise in her. “Sorry.” It was all she could manage without bursting into tears.
A tear trickled down Ryan’s face. “Me, too.” She sat there for a moment longer, then stood and walked off. They would see each other once more, but that was it.
Liv waited until she made it home, to her bed, before she let the tears fall. Above all, she couldn’t let anyone see her weakness.
It had cost her Ryan, and she was still doing it. When was she going to learn?
Saturday 1st October; 6pm
Ryan chewed on the tip of her
