Her eyes met his, and for a moment, he thought maybe she would start a conversation, but all he got was, “Not hungry.”
She had to be hungry. In the week since they’d been here, all he’d seen her eat were snacks, and she’d only grab those when Sawyer wasn’t looking.
Was she anorexic? How did he even tell? Did he need to get a doctor involved? Fuck. What had his father been thinking, leaving these kids to him?
Sawyer backed out of the room. Savanna would come around soon… right? Weren’t you supposed to let kids come to you when they were ready…?
God, he knew fuck all about raising humans.
“If you change your mind, it will be waiting for you.”
Not even a nod.
He shut the door, his forehead connecting with it. Closing his eyes while he leaned there, an almost imperceptible deep sound vibrated from low in his throat. He was doing his best, but it felt like it wasn’t good enough.
I can do this. Maybe if he said it enough times it would start to come true. The universe was supposed to give you back what you put out. Well, what the hell did I put out there to deserve this?
He took a deep breath and turned around. “Fuck! You scared me.” If not for his quick reflexes, he would have collided with Gavin.
Gavin’s eyes went wide, and Sawyer realized what he’d said. “Shit… I mean damn…” His brother’s eyes widened with each curse word.
Sawyer closed his eyes and slapped a hand over his mouth. He was working on that, but having kids around wasn’t exactly his norm.
He opened his eyes to see Gavin still in front of him, studying him.
“Everything okay, buddy?” Sawyer asked while looking into eyes that matched his. It still tripped him up seeing basically a miniature version of himself.
Gavin nodded, but the youth took his hand, and that was how they walked to the kitchen.
As much as Savanna treated him like he had the plague and there was quarantine glass between them, Gavin stuck to him like glue. He seemed to need Sawyer the most… actually, he seemed to need to know where he was at all times.
Probably because he had just lost his dad. Even though he knew they were his siblings, Sawyer couldn’t bring himself to see the man as his own father.
Callum, his youngest brother, was happy to be sitting in front of the TV on his mini bean bag chair. He, at least, was a good eater, but the toddler didn’t seem to want to sleep. Not to mention everything in his apartment was now child-proofed since Callum seemed to think everything went in his mouth. Who knew there was a service for that?
“You hungry?”
Gavin nodded.
Sawyer lifted his brother and settled him on one of the stools at the kitchen island, even though the boy could have done it himself using the leg rest on it. He glanced toward the timer on the oven. Twelve minutes to go.
“I guess it’s just me and you for lunch, huh buddy…”
Gavin met his gaze and nodded.
“Should we eat here or at the dining table?”
Sawyer’s question was met with shoulders hitched up.
Well okay then. Clearly he didn’t care.
He’d already fed Callum chicken and mashed potatoes an hour ago. Actually, it was more of watching his youngest brother use his hands to stuff potatoes in his face and throw most of the cut-up chicken on the floor.
Gavin got off the stool and walked out of the kitchen without saying a word, but then, less than a minute later, he was back with the iPad Sawyer had picked up for him. He put it on the island, then got himself back on the stool and tapped the button to bring the screen to life.
So this was silent time then.
Even though his life was completely different now that the kids had come into his life with the notice of a tornado, Sawyer found that he was already attached to the little ones, even Savanna who was doing her best to pretend he didn’t exist. There was something about knowing you had people in the world that settled your spirit.
He’d never dwelt on it, preferring to focus on what he could control, but being alone in the world was not fun. Ford and his family had not only shown him that but made him feel less so.
God, he’d done his best not to think too much about Ford. Not that it ever worked. That was another thing he never had—missing someone. Sure, he missed his mom, but it was a different kind of ache because he knew she was gone forever.
Ford was…
Nope, don’t go there Sawyer… He was still battling the need to tell Ford this recent change of life he had experienced, but as more time passed, the harder it was becoming to say anything. It was easier to just ignore it and Ford since he was far away at the moment. Handle one thing at a time, and the kids were here.
He went to the freezer and grabbed the garlic bread and put it on the counter. Where were the oven trays? His cellphone started to ring, and he walked over to where he’d left it on the counter. Ford’s name on the screen had his heart skipping a beat.
Still, Sawyer considered letting it go to voicemail like he had been doing with every other call. He just didn’t want to lie to his boyfriend again.
Sawyer wanted to go back to Amber Falls, or even have Ford here, but he’d barely gotten his head wrapped around having three kids as his responsibility now. How could he ask Ford to jump on the crazy train?
But he didn’t want to give him up, and if they spoke, then… Sawyer didn’t know what would happen, and that scared him more than anything.
Right now, their relationship was like Schrodinger’s cat. It was both dead and alive, at least if he understood the Big Bang
