“Liz Devizes,” gasped Pearl, shuddering as she did so.
Ruby nodded sagely. The others at the table let out a low and mournful groan.
“And I have no doubt that where a Devizes lurks, from under the same rock shall creep a Nutter.”
Gentle Reader, it is perhaps necessary for your humble author to furnish a little historical background information at this point... You see, Ruby and Pearl Derwencast are not the only practitioners of witchcraft in the village. There is also a certain Elizabeth Devizes and her motley clan – sworn enemies of Ruby and her family and familiars. The Derwencasts and the Devizes have been locked in a feud for as long as anyone can remember: for Elizabeth Devizes is a follower of the Left-Hand Path, and practises the Craft in its black and evil form. Any time the name of Devizes is mentioned, Ruby will curse, tut, shake her head and mutter... “Ooo, that Madam, she's a bad 'un. She can't be trusted or left to her own Devizes.” This is only partly a joke, for Ruby is more than half-convinced that Liz Devizes is the current incarnation of Abaddon, a demon from the bottomless pit. Liz Devizes has a side-kick, name of Alice Nutter, about whom Ruby is also less than complimentary: “Nutter by name. Nutter by nature”. If something nasty occurs in the region, Ruby will invariably remark that, “sinister devices are foot or I'm a complete nutter”. And generally she is proved correct.
Eddy had been listening to the above discussion with growing personal concern. As soon as he felt he politely could, he interjected:
“Excuse me, dear ladies... I'm sure this is all very entertaining and interesting, what with the colourful historical facts, and the lurid symbolism, and the sinister death cults, and Madams Devizes and Nutter and what have you, but I don't think I'm quite cut out for taking on a whole mob of loonies, no matter what their religious leanings, who want to 'promote a programme of research and reformation of the sciences.' Ambitions like that always lead to trouble and have a nasty habit of ruining one's evening. They start me thinking of military drums and stamping jackboots... You know full well the kind of fruitcakes that get involved in such nonsense: all bad skin, and plastered-down, slicked-black hair, screeching all night at the moon; each of them intent on resurrecting a Wewelsburg master-race. All very Wagnerian. Great costumes, bad attitudes. We've been here before, and it gives me skull-ache. Really. Not my cup of tea at all. I appreciate you considering me a candidate for involvement in your scheme, but, if you don't mind, I think I'd prefer to be popped back in the handbag along with all those delightful dust mites and have nothing whatsoever to do with any of it. Thank you very, very much – but no thanks, ta-ta and goodnight.”
Ruby scowled at the skull and drew herself up for a rousing speech.
“Edward. You cowardly wretch. We have been handed a task. We did not ask for it, but fate has decreed it is ours.”
“Yours, Dearie. Yours! That letter wasn't plopped on my door mat, sweetheart. Oh, no. I'm out.”
Ruby was not to be put off. This was a moment to be seized:
“This task is OUR Agincourt. Our Trafalgar. Our Battle of Britain! And we shall all – and I do mean ALL – play our parts with the utmost gallantry, with all of the valour and bravery that we can muster. We shall prevail. We shall never surrender. We shall fight them in the beeches, in the hedgerows and in our gowns. It matters not that we are mere grains of sand in the desert of existence. We few, we merry few; we band of others! We have been granted the chance to make a difference, to shine forth like a beacon of light and hope, so that all others may look to us in the future for guidance and example, reflect on us and our endeavour in the glow of eternal history, and say, with great admiration mixed with immense awe, that this task, this deed, this venture, this most noble of undertakings. That THIS was their finest hour!”
Ruby closed her rallying speech with a grandiose flurry of her sleeves, placed her hands squarely on the table and swept a look around at her 'troops'.
The troops were not impressive. A pair of witches of a very debatable age, a monkey skull, a cat, a goldfish and a magpie. Not exactly the S.A.S.
Ruby, however, believed that, with the wisdom of Chen and the natural luck that Tobias possessed, if the cause was just and the players true, then they could not fail.
“Rissoles!” spat Eddy, with increasing hysteria. “We're going to muck it up and end up dead. Did you hear me? Dead! Dead! Dead! Beacons of light? More like beacons of ...”
“What's the plan, Rube?” Pearl butted in hastily.
“I shall explain what I believe to be the full nature of the symbolism before us in the fullness of time. Right now, we need to act
