Still, for a few moments yesterday, I entertained the idea of being a family. Clearly, Justin didn’t. His blank expression when I told him the test was negative spoke volumes. And then he walked out, leaving me alone with the rollercoaster of emotions. I needed him, dammit. But whatever was going through his head, clearly didn’t involve being with me.
Maybe he wasn’t ready to start a family. Neither was I. It’s possible he was relieved that it was negative. It’s the most reasonable reaction. But then why walk out. And considering my mess of emotions, how could he walk out on me?
He was angry about something, but I’m not sure what. We’ve had a few fights over the last few weeks. Most notably every time I’ve relied on someone else. I pause. Oh my god. He wasn’t angry all those times. Okay, yeah maybe he was angry too. But mostly, he was hurt. Could that be it? Every argument we had was because I'd excluded him. The man has a pathological need to help the people he cares about. And I know he cares about me. I’m not sure if it goes beyond that but every time I’ve needed help or support, he wasn’t my go-to person.
Yeah, my brother was more convenient, so it made sense to ask him. And Andi’s a woman and more likely to understand what I was going through. I’m willing to bet that she’s been through a pregnancy scare or two. The people I called all made logical sense. But that’s not enough. And it isn’t the full truth.
If I’m honest with myself, and let's face it, I need to be, it has nothing to do with convenience or solidarity. The idea of relying on Justin is scary. It’s not something I want to get used to just to have him pull the rug out under me and leave. Like he did yesterday.
Sure, he had his own set of emotions to deal with, but I needed him, and he walked away.
My stomach finally feels settled and I walk back into the doctor’s office. Dr. Dodds is in her fifties, with white blonde hair and a happy face. I think she’s seen a little too much sun, but she doesn’t look like a prune.
She gestures for me to sit down. “How long have you been getting sick?”
“Every morning for the last week and half.” I take a breath. “My period is also late. My body’s a little sore.”
“Maybe we should eliminate the obvious.” She pulls a box from a shelf. “Do you know how to use one of these?”
I shake my head. “I used one of them yesterday. It was negative. I’m not pregnant.”
She patted the box and smiled. “Good, so you know how to use it. Let’s just humor me. Over the counter pregnancy tests are pretty accurate, but false negatives do happen. It’s rare but it happens. Take the test. Bring it back here, we can wait on the result together.”
I take the box from her. “May I have a glass of water please?”
She nods and I pour from the jug on her table. As I stand, I can’t deny the feeling of dèjá vu. Less than twenty-four hours ago I was making this same trip after having thrown up. I really needed to get more original drama.
I went through the same process and walked back to the doctor’s office. She placed it on the table between us. “Are you on birth control? Condoms?”
“Both actually.” Not that I have much faith in either right now. “I was thinking about getting the shot now that I’m not cheerleading anymore.”
She chatted to me about the change in routine since I’ve been back. She reminded me that I would need to find a way to work-out regularly. The lack of exercise after it being part of my daily life could affect my moods. I didn’t even realize how much time had passed when she picked the stick up. “Yep. Positive.”
I froze. Was I happy? I’d settled on not being pregnant. I couldn’t understand why I was disappointed when I saw the negative test. And I certainly cannot explain the cocktail of emotions flowing through me now. I took a few calming breaths. “Oh my. Are you sure? I mean, if it is, how do you know that yesterday’s one was wrong and this one is right.”
“False negatives are rare, false positives even more so. We can do another one if you want. But with your symptoms I’m sure yesterday’s one was wrong.”
“Oh wow.” This is a lot to process. I’m pregnant. I’m going to be a parent. Justin’s going to be a father. Oh my god, will we be a family? I don’t even know where he is right now. I tried calling and texting last night but he never answered. In fact, as far as I can tell he never even read my messages.
Dr. Dodds takes my hand. “I take it this wasn’t planned.”
“No.” I shake my head. “We haven’t been together that long.”
“You have options. I will recommend a good doctor, no matter what you decide to do.”
I nod. I understand what she’s saying. I don’t know what will happen between Justin and me. I mean he walked out on me yesterday and I need to get to the bottom of that. If we’re over, I can understand that, but I cannot imagine not having his baby. It may be the one good thing to come out of our relationship. Well, that and some mind-blowing sex and great memories. There will be nothing about my time with Justin that I will regret. If that
