“I need an OBGYN,” I say. I don’t need to think about anything. I’m not sure about anything else I’m feeling, but I am sure I am meant to have this baby.
The one thing I don’t feel is disappointment. Not in myself, not in the situation. I’m worried about the future. I’m angry… so angry that Justin’s not here with me. But that’s my fault. He doesn’t even know that I’m here. I’m excited and terrified. What if he doesn’t want a baby?
I know he’ll do right by me and pull his weight. He won’t abandon his kid and will want to be part of the child’s life. But I know he didn’t plan for this. And it could upset all his plans. Goodness knows, it will put a wrench in some of mine. But I needed to tell him.
Dr. Dodds writes a prescription. “Have this filled immediately. Go off your birth control.” She gives me another form. “Here’s a referral to an OBGYN. She’s pretty busy but she does keep early mornings free for new patients.”
Twenty minutes later I’m in an Uber on my way to the office. I tried calling Justin again, but his phone went through to the voicemail. His car wasn’t in the building when I left for the doctor. I’m starting to get worried. I decide to call my brother.
He picks up on the first ring. “Hey my not-pregnant sister.”
I choke and cough before I answer him. “What?”
“Justin told me you had a pregnancy scare, but it was negative.”
I need to play it cool. I don’t want my brother suspecting anything before I have a chance to speak to Justin. “When did you speak to him?”
“Last night. I had to go and fetch him at a bar.”
That’s fucking rich. “Oh, so it’s cool when he calls you.”
“Sis, you have no right to be pissed at him.” Denver takes an audible breath. “You’re my sister and I’ll always have your back. But I have his back too. And I will tell you both when you’re acting like jerks. You can’t keep excluding him.”
“I wasn’t trying to. It just made more sense to call Andi.” I don’t know why I didn’t call Justin actually. That’s not true. I didn’t want to freak him out until I knew for sure.
“And to him it made more sense to call the guy with a car instead of you.” I hate it when Denver was right. “Look, he’s a little hungover and still a bit angry. Just give him a little time.”
I say goodbye to my brother. Shit. I need to talk to Justin. And not just about the pregnancy. I need to talk to him about everything. About the fact that I am so scared of what I feel for him. Because he, more than anyone else I know, has the potential to devastate me.
Justin
Denver tosses his phone on the coffee table in front of me. I don’t have a major hangover like he just told Angela, but yeah, I had a bit too much last night. My head hurts a bit and my mouth is a little dry.
“Look, I’m not going to play go-between with you and her.” He plonks next to me on the couch. “Talk to her. Pull yourself together and man the fuck up. She doesn’t expect you to be perfect.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” I’m not perfect. I know that. What does he want? For me to list all my flaws. Actually, that may not be a bad idea.
“You have a chip on your shoulder about being excluded, always have.” Denver is not even mocking me. Just stating a fact. “She doesn’t know that, though. As far as she’s concerned nothing bothers you. Because that’s what you let people think. Michael and I know differently, because we’ve had years of experience.”
“I don’t want to force myself into her life.” I don’t want to be anywhere I’m not wanted. “That’s not how it’s supposed to work.”
“Why the fuck not?” Despite his words, he’s rather calm. “You are in her life. And if she wants to keep you there, she needs to let you in. But she won’t know any of that if you don’t tell her. You love her, Justin. You can’t love her in half measures. I will kick your ass if you do that.”
“Maybe.”
He pushes off the couch. “Look, I need to go and see a contact.” He grabs his keys. “Lock up and set the alarm when you leave. I’ll get my keys from you later. And for fuck’s sake don’t mope around here all day. Go talk to my sister.”
Once he leaves, I hunt around his kitchen. I find bread and butter. There’s a block of cheese in the fridge that looks like it’s still good. I pour myself the last bit left in the coffee pot. A quick shower after I’ve eaten, and I feel a little more human.
The things Denver said are playing around in my mind. She needs to let me in. But I haven’t exactly made it easy for her. She mentioned once that she doesn’t know anything about what I like to do. My default was that I don’t know what I like. Maybe that’s true, but I haven’t actually made it a priority. I’ve been so focused on making sure I have so much money that we don’t have to know poverty again, that I forgot to focus on what I like and what I don’t. I know that I enjoy my job. I love the fact that I’m making a difference. I love spending time with Angela, I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But that’s it.
I check my watch. It’s still a few hours before I need to fetch Angela from the office. I pick up my keys and lock up as I leave Denver's house.
My first stop is Mr. York’s bakery.
“Justin, my boy.” Mr. York shakes my hand. “What can I do for
