Sabine
“How’s it going?” Abby asks me when I sit down to talk to her on the phone. I’m surprised Master Kellen has given me my phone and granted me this call. I’ve been a pain in the ass all day today.
He sat me down earlier and questioned me about my behavior issues, but I don’t have answers. It’s like I’m out of control and can’t stop making poor choices. Every day, I’m naughtier than the last, and I do this even knowing Master Kellen doesn’t like it.
Tonight, he has specifically handed me my phone and told me to talk things out with Abby.
I’m sitting in the corner of the large sectional in the living room. Master Kellen is outside on the patio with his laptop, talking on his own phone. He told me he had a business call to make.
I blow out a breath and pull my knees up under my chin. “I’m not good at this little thing.”
She chuckles. “I don’t believe that. What do you mean?”
“I mean I’m naughty. I can’t seem to stop myself. I disobey Master Kellen every day. I don’t want to. I tell myself not to. I give myself a pep talk every morning and leave my room resolved to be good. And then I’m not good.”
“Maybe you’re a brat?” she offers. “Some girls are. Some littles thrive on the attention they get from being punished. Or maybe you enjoy the punishments themselves?”
I chew on my bottom lip. “I don’t think that’s it. It’s strange. I’m so attracted to him. He’s the first man I’ve ever wanted this badly in my life. I’m humbled by the fact that he returns the sentiment. He could have any woman he wants. He’s fourteen years older than me, for heaven’s sake. But that’s attractive, too. And he’s kind and fun and sweet and giving and patient. And yet, I do something every day to ensure he won’t touch me. Not enough, at least.”
“Hmm. What kinds of things do you do?”
“I run through the house. I yell. I talk back. I cuss. I stomp my feet. I pout. I’m seriously the worst little ever.”
She chuckles. “Sounds like your first childhood. You’re spoiled.”
“But I’m not though, because I never get away with it. I just keep trying.”
“Do you think you’re testing him?”
I sigh. “Probably. Which isn’t fair, because I’ve known him ten days. Sure it’s intense, but he’s under no obligation to help me through this weird phase of mine. He volunteered for this arrangement, and I’m failing. I don’t know why I keep testing him. He’s proven he will punish me when I misbehave. We’ve discussed this several times. I get that it seems reasonable that I would need reassurance that I can’t get away with anything. Boundaries. It’s what I was missing from my childhood. I don’t need a shrink to explain that to me. I get it. But I don’t understand why I keep misbehaving, since he never once has let me get away with anything. I’m not worth all this effort. I’m not good enough for him. And I keep telling myself that, which only makes me feel worse.”
“Sabine, that’s not true. You’re a wonderful person. You’re just going through a weird reality shift.”
I chuckle without any humor in my tone. “This is far more than a reality shift. It’s more like an earthquake. Two months ago, I was a regular college grad heading to Seattle for a fun trip before entering the real world. Now… Abby, I don’t know who I am.”
“And that’s okay. You didn’t really know who you were before you got here. That’s why you came. You were intrigued by my lifestyle and you wanted to experience it yourself. If you think about it, you were always interested in BDSM. You’ve mentioned it peripherally for years. This was your chance to try it out.”
“True. But I didn’t expect to find something comfortable in living like a little girl. I didn’t know much of anything about this aspect of the fetish community.”
“But then you met Lucy, and now you do know. And you can’t unknow it. It got under your skin. And you’re entitled to be whoever makes you happy. If you think you’re rebelling because you don’t like living as a little, that’s fine. You can end this arrangement. But, maybe your behavior is about something else entirely.”
I rub my temples and close my eyes. “What might that be?”
“Maybe you’re testing yourself because you aren’t willing to admit you enjoy this new world. That’s not hard to believe. It goes against everything society has taught you. Anyone would question their motives.”
I nod even though she can’t see me. She has a point. If I decided I wanted to enter into a more permanent arrangement like this one, I would be bucking everything I’ve ever known to be reality.
“But Sabine, I think it’s more than any of that. I think you really like Master Kellen. I saw the way you looked at him when you were at my house.”
“I do,” I admit. “More than I should. I’ve fallen for him. Hard. And he’s not mine. He’s never once indicated he has any interest in seeing this thing beyond Saturday. That scares me. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay longer.”
Admitting this out loud shakes my foundation, and I glance out the window to see Master Kellen sitting at one of the tables. He’s no longer working. He’s leaning back in the chair, relaxing, hands crossed at his waist, head tipped back enough to watch the sky. His ankles are also crossed. He looks so damn handsome and peaceful at this moment. I wonder if his brow is furrowed though. I cause that. Every day.
“Do you think you’re testing him?”
“I know I’m testing him, and it’s not fair to him. He doesn’t want this kind of little. He likes peace and harmony. He likes obedience. He deserves a sweet little who doesn’t act up all the time.”
“You can’t make that decision
