“No, I think they would smack into each other, Tathagata.”
“But mightn’t they provide a comfortable cushion to sit on?” I asked.
“I think that sitting on your own balls, especially if they were that swollen, would be enormously painful, Tathagata.”
“Well done, Anuruddha, exactly so.”
Later that night, as Ananda was massaging my back, he suddenly blurted out: “Ghosts are dead, right, master?”
“Obviously ghosts are dead, Ananda.”
“Because I’ve been thinking about it and I do not understand … How can one be reborn as something that is dead?”
“It’s simply the way it is, Ananda. As I told you, I didn’t make this system up.”
There was silence for a few minutes, then: “Are there baby Hungry Ghosts, master?”
“Of course there are baby Hungry Ghosts, Ananda. There are child Hungry Ghosts, adult Hungry Ghosts and eventually, as I also told you, there are dead Hungry Ghosts.”
“How is a baby Hungry Ghost created, master? Do Hungry Ghosts have sexual intercourse?”
I turned, looked at Ananda. “Hungry Ghosts are reborn from wicked beings who ask too many impertinent questions!”
“I’m so sorry, master.”
14
The following day we resumed once again.
“Today we will discuss the next two realms of existence, bikkhus, those of the gods and the demigods. First I will speak to you of the realm of the demigods. What exactly is a demigod, you may wonder. Answer: Demigods are like gods, but not nearly as powerful; they are second rate gods, if you like, and therefore consumed with jealousy for their betters. Yes, Moggallana?”
“Can you give us a specific example of a demigod, Tathagata, because I do not think I comprehend them?”
“Here is one example, Moggallana: The well-known celestial musicians called ‘Gandharvas’? (ILL, Ghosts) They are demigods.”
“Gandharvas means ‘Odor-Eaters,’ does it not, Tathagata?”
“Yes, Moggallana, because that is precisely what Gandharvas do, they eat odors. Another demigod would be the half-horse, half-human creature known as the ‘Kimnara.’”
“Does the Kimnara have any powers, Tathagata?”
“No, Sariputta, it’s just a half-horse, half-human. The truth is, bikkhus, that there aren’t all that many demigods around when you get down to it and we don’t need to spend a lot more time speaking of them. Yes, Mahanama?”
“Would a talking tree count as a demigod, Tathagata?”
“Yes, most certainly.”
“What about a half-horse, half-tree?”
“That I am not sure about.”
“What about a half-tree, half-another-tree?”
“No, Mahanama, that would simply be a tree. Now enough about demigods, as I said they are not particularly important. Let us now move on to the realm of the gods. First, a quick geography lesson, bikkhus. The world is flat—we all know that. On top of the earth’s flat surface sit the four island continents, each of them situated around Mt. Meru, which is shaped, again as we all know, like a giant cube, with each of its four faces made of a different precious stone. The wall facing our continent, ‘Rose Apple Island,’ is made of lapis lazuli; that is why when the sunlight hits it the sky turns blue. The gods who live on top of Mt. Meru live for approximately 140,000 years. That sounds like a long time but the gods who live in the skies above Mt. Meru live much longer, sometimes for hundreds of millions of years. Far above Mt. Meru lies the Realm of Pure Form. Above that is the Formless Realm. The gods who inhabit these realms live for billions of years.” (AGG)
“A question for you, bikkhus: Do you think these gods are happy? If you think so, you are sadly mistaken, for I tell you they are not. These gods are miserable, more miserable than the worst sinner in Hell and do you know why? Because those suffering in Hell at least know why they are being punished; they have been wicked and they know it, while those in heaven have no idea why they suffer. ‘But I have been so good,’ they think. ‘Why am I being forced to watch my good karma slowly run out? Why are my godly robes becoming filthy and my godly body beginning to stink and my godly eyes beginning to weaken?’ Before long, bikkhus, these gods are nothing but half-blind, stinking bums, staggering around heaven and waiting to die (because make no mistake, they do die, just like everyone else) before being thrown right back into the cesspool of existence. No realm is exempt from the pain of existence, bikkhus, not even heaven. That is why I have taught you again and again that the only thing to strive for is Extinction.” (OJO, Gods; SDS)
Later that night I was drinking some tea when Ananda dashed in, eyes wide and terrified, trembling like a leaf.
“What is it, Ananda? What’s wrong with you?”
“I was meditating under a tree, master—”
“Yes?”
“—when a Hungry Ghost with a flaming mouth showed up before me! He quickly informed me that his name was ‘Flaming Mouth’ and that I would die in three days and afterwards return as a Hungry Ghost exactly like himself! (DFMHG) ‘How can I escape this horrible fate, Flaming Mouth?’ I pleaded. ‘You must feed 100,000 Hungry Ghosts, Ananda,’ he told me. ‘If you do that, you will not become a Hungry Ghost like me after you die. Also, not that you would necessarily have any reason to care about this, but I, Flaming Mouth, will be reborn as a god.’”
“What did you say to Flaming Mouth at that point, Ananda?”
“I said yes, of course I would do it! But master, now I am asking myself, how can I possibly feed 100,000 Hungry Ghosts?”
“You cannot, my friend.”
At that, Ananda crumbled to the floor and started sobbing pitifully. “I am doomed then, master, oh, I am dooommmed … dooooommmed …”
I nudged Ananda gently with my foot. “Stop crying, Ananda, you are not doomed. There is one way out of this dilemma.”
“There is??”
“When Flaming Mouth approaches you next, you must speak the following words to him: ‘I pay homage to the Tathagata for he is the most revered of all two-legged creatures. I pay homage to the
