“I was never popular… never had friends to speak of at school. Camp was no different. The counselors were great though,” I tell him, blushing before I feel my face fall again.
It’s hardly the time to be recounting childhood traumas, but Sean’s bent on hearing it from me. It’s almost as though he wants to be able to protect me from my past as well as the present.
“There used to be an old barn near the campsite,” I continue and I hear Sean grunt in agreement.
“I had it taken down, years ago. It was a fire hazard, and apart from the-” but he stops, urging me with his eyes to continue.
“Well, you probably know too, that some kids from camp used it as a hangout long after lights out.”
Sean raises his brows and growls another low sound, breathing in through his nose, like he can tell what sort of story is coming up.
“These two girls… they used to tease me all day. But always out of earshot from anyone else, like it was their own private game. They were twins I think, they looked alike.”
I take a breath in myself. It already sounds less intimidating once I start to say it out loud, but back there, at the camp. It was like I was reliving it… like I was…
“They grabbed me one night, after everyone else was asleep. They were bigger than me, stronger and with two of them they were able to bundle me out of the dorm and down to the barn with no real effort…”
“What did they do?” Sean asks me firmly, his jaw set like stone and his hands tightening on the wheel. His knuckles white with his own anger.
“There was an old pigpen next to the barn, sort of ran into it.”
Sean nods his head, remembering it for himself, I guess.
“Well. Long story short, the girls tied something over my mouth then held me while they told me what they were going to do with me… telling me they were going to lock me in the pen with that pig… because that’s what I am… a big fat… pig.”
“Oh, Tess,” Sean says, reaching out for my hand again, but I have to look away as he takes my hand. The tears are coming again, but I want to finish telling him. I have to tell somebody, otherwise it’ll keep haunting me forever.
“They pushed me into this little box, right at the end of the stall, then they locked it… They even used a rusty old padlock they’d found. There was a hatch at the other end, and then they… Then they opened it and that pig… that huge animal came rushing in.”
I’ve never had such a clearer memory of the experience, which was terrifying.
It’s the same feeling I had back at the camp, and I realize. That the place I walked past where I started to feel so scared and all I wanted to do was run, was right near where that old barn used to be.
“I was locked in there most of the night. I was so scared I couldn’t even scream or cry out for help. The pig was huge and I thought more than once it was going to really hurt me, but it was just sniffing me.”
I feel my tears stop wanting to come. Like I’ve let a part of what happened go and I don’t feel like I need to be so affected by it anymore.
“But, they were right though… those girls. I mean… look at me. I was big then and I’m big now, no matter what I do…. I eat right and I walk all the time but I just can’t…”
“Tess, Stop it!” Sean growls, making me jump in my seat.
He checks the rear view mirror, looking at the sky behind us, and despite us needing to get away fast, he pulls over to the side of the highway and turns to face me, holding both my elbows as he speaks to me.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Sean
I know we’re trying to get away and I know Tess is upset by her memory, but I won’t have her talking like this. Not for another second.
It ends right now.
“Tessa. Listen to me,” I tell her firmly.
“What those girls did, it was wrong. It was terrible. I think I know the girls you mean too, they were a pain in the ass and everybody said butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths. They were cruel and willful. I’m sorry you had to experience any of it,” I tell her.
“But! I won’t have you telling me, or anyone else, especially yourself that you’re any of the things they said you were because you’re not.”
“You’re just saying that,” she says, turning away and I can see she’s almost starting to cry again.
“Did you run because of the memory, or did you run because you believed in what those girls said?” I ask her, knowing how I feel but wanting to understand her feelings better.
“I just don’t believe someone who looks like you could possibly want someone like me!” she blurts out, her eyes blazing and her mouth twisting as she fights back tears.
It hurts me to hear Tess speak like this, and I curse those girls and everyone like them, people who leave such a permanent but unseen scar on others by the terrible things they say and do to others.
It hurts me, because it makes Tess believe it’s true and she’s only putting me in another stereotyped category, just because I work out.
Looking back at the storm cell which is coming, I know we don’t have much time to spare but I don’t want to live another minute seeing Tess so upset, thinking the crazy stuff those morons told her and worse, actually believing it.
“I love you Tess, and yes. Your body does turn me on, you’ve seen enough to know that’s true… being around you, just touching you… I can’t help it. You just have that effect on me.”
She looks down
