He presses his lips into me harder, kissing me stronger. His hands at the back of my head, around my neck, pulling me in, pulling me in so hard that I want to pull back. I’m just trying to catch my breath. The two of us, our foreheads touching. All of that wanting. I don’t know what to do with it. “I’ve been thinking about you all day since we left. . . . It’s why I’m running now. To get it out of my system. To get you out of my system,” he says. “What are we going to do, B?”
* * *
I go to bed that night feeling guilty. I kissed Sean. I feel so close to him. So much closer than I’ve ever felt, and it’s not just the kiss I’m thinking about now. My body shuddering from today. His words in my head. The way he tilted his head against mine. I tug down my underwear and touch myself between my thighs because it’s all too much and I have to release it and let it go. I imagine him here with me.
But then I see Ali’s face. Those little bangs. Ali, who looks up at me with those glowing eyes. And Dev. Who trusts me and is loyal to me. I cringe. I’m a terrible, hateful person and I don’t deserve anyone. I pull up my underwear. I have to shut it all off. What am I doing anyway?
I text Donnie because I don’t know where to go with all this and I hate myself.
I kissed Sean
Of course you did B
What does that mean?
It means everyone saw it coming but you
Not everyone
No not everyone . . . just me
* * *
On Monday in school, I don’t know how to look at Dev. He’s got his arm wrapped around me like everything is the same, but it’s not. It’ll never be the same. Sean and I pretend like nothing happened. I can’t even look at him in the hall.
* * *
C-wing. Just me and Donnie. Smoke all around us. We’re going to choke in here one day. That or set off the smoke alarm.
“How does it feel?” she says.
“How does what feel?” I exhale.
“Betrayal?” She laughs, rolling her eyes. “You are an awful person, B. But this is nothing new.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong, Donnie. It was just a kiss.”
“I didn’t say you did anything wrong. In fact, I think I’ve been the one to encourage you to get out of that monogamous box you’re in with Dev.”
Donnie flicks her cigarette onto the floor. The ashes go flying. An ember bleeds off the paper.
“He’s different with me. He’s softer.”
“Of course he is, baby. Of course he is.”
25
ALI
Sammi shows up first. Her mom drops her off, and I see them hug in the front seat of the car. She’s wearing the dress from the store. With the cape. It flies behind her when she runs down the driveway. Here she comes to save the day. My eyes swollen. Welling up.
“You’re crying?” she says. “You’re supposed to be glad I’m here.”
“I am glad.”
“Then what?”
“You just look cute,” I say. “Really cute.” I hug her, so tightly.
* * *
Raj rides up in his parents’ station wagon. Black button-down shirt. Black tie. Black jeans. His hair swept up in a pompadour.
“That’s quite a limo,” Sammi says.
“My parents are out for dinner. They took the Mini Cooper.”
“Nice hair,” I say. “How’d you get it that way?”
“Hair spray,” he says, proud of himself.
Raj is smiling nervously, kind of looking away. He edges closer to me, on the porch, still not talking. He’s not used to me wearing a dress. He’s not used to me wearing black eyeliner. Silver glitter freckled over my eyelids. I can see it in his face, the way he keeps looking away.
“Why do you keep looking the other way?” I say.
“You look really pretty.”
I laugh. It’s nice. I like the attention. It’s the first time in a while that I actually feel safe. Like a taste of something normal. After all those weeks of pain, maybe for a second I could feel something good.
A text from Blythe.
On my way to Cates. U coming?
I make something up.
Pops won’t let me go. Too strict.
Wonder what that’s like?
“Who’s that?” Sammi says. “Your girlfriend?”
“She wants us to come to Cate’s party.”
“I’d rather eat glass,” Sammi says.
“Is that what you want, Ali? To go there?” Raj says.
“We can drop her off there on the way to the dance and she can punish herself,” Sammi says.
“It’s not like that.”
“Oh, why don’t you tell us what it’s like, then?”
“I don’t even want to go, so why don’t you both relax.”
But if I don’t go, what’s the alternative? Texts from Blythe? Sean Nessel, thinking he got the best of me. Not that he’s even thinking of me.
Not that he’s ever thought of me.
Not that he ever thought of me more than as this cute girl who he could mess with.
“We don’t have to go,” Raj says. That concerned look on his face. His voice real low and calm. “And that’s it. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. We don’t have to do anything. We don’t have to go to this dance.”
“No. That’s not it. I want to go,” I say. “I want to go with the two of you.”
Sammi needed to hear this. I see it in her eyes.
“Then let’s go,” Sammi says, her voice lighter than before. She reaches out and squeezes my hand. “We’re gonna go. And it’s going to be great.”
I kiss her hand. It’s deserved. What I’ve been putting her through, I should be kissing her toes.
She dashes into the house to pee.
I think about what Raj said too. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. It sends me away from this moment. I feel like I smell dirty. I feel like he’s going to smell it on me.
I inch closer to him and smack him in the arm. And then
