This is the moment I miss Ali. This is the moment I wish I was friends with someone normal. Someone like her. Someone who doesn’t search out drama. But I destroyed that friendship with Ali. I destroyed my relationship with Dev. I destroy everything.
The four of us go in Cate’s car. The Core Four.
“We’re all together,” Cate says, singing. But it drifts off into the night.
We crawl under the gate to hike up to the old cliffs. My shoes slip over the rocky path. This dirty place, with all its boulders and its shaky ground and its cliffs, used to be the place to hang out. Under the dark lights we could be whoever we wanted to be. Now it’s gated with trespassing signs. Much smaller crowd. Hardly anyone wants to attempt the climb after some kid broke his leg last year.
Donnie pulls my hand, leads me up the hill. Dylan, she keeps saying. She wants me to meet Dylan. Dylan’s waiting for her on the edge. And that’s where Donnie wants to be. On the edge.
She sits cross-legged on a boulder in front of Dylan, who is too skinny and too ratty-looking. Long dirty hair and brown moccasin boots. He probably gets her Vicodin. I don’t bother to ask.
I slide up next to Donnie. Curl into her. Like we used to at parties. It’s been a long time since it was like that. Pretend like we’re here together. Alone.
“Everything’s changed so much, Don. Why has it changed so much?”
“Because we’re human. We evolve. You don’t see that, B? You want everything to be the same. You want to be a Polaroid? You want to be a trophy? A stuffed deer on a wall? People have to experiment. We have to open our hearts to new ways of thinking.”
There’s a little packet of crushed-up vikes in her palm.
“I’m not doing that,” I say.
“Why? You’ve done everything else like it before. If you do it, you’ll see the way the stars line up. And we can do it together. Me and you together forever, B. You’ll forget about all the other stuff with Dev tonight. It’ll make all the bad stuff go away.”
“I’m not sticking that shit up my nose.”
“You’ve swallowed it before. It’s just a different high, snorting it.”
I push her hand away.
She rolls her eyes and closes her hand, shoves the packet back in her jacket pocket. Zips it up to her chin.
I want things to be the way they used to be. How we used to fantasize about throwing people in the black hole, the joke we used to have when we were little. People who were mean to us went into the black hole. They’d disappear in there, fly in a circle, their arms raised and desperate.
“Don’t you just have a vape pen? Can’t you keep it light?”
But Dylan says that vape trash will kill you. And Dylan has two joints. Because Dylan likes it old-school. He’ll only smoke flower, he says. I hate people like Dylan. I don’t know how Donnie can stand him.
I try to catch her attention, her face; I just want to see her. Make eye contact to signal that I’m done here. That we’re done here. But she’s somewhere else, her dark curls shielding her face. Then she hops up, stumbling, claps her hands to a cheer we made up freshman year.
“Five-six-seven-eight! Roll-a-joint! Roll-roll-a joint!” Then she spins. Shaking my arms. Trying to get me to sing along. “How-you-think-you-roll-that-joint? Come on, B, sing it with me. Roll-a-joint! Roll-roll-a-joint!”
I laugh and look away. I just want to get out of here. That’s all I want to do.
But Dylan rolls the joint and passes it along. There’s a circle of us now. Cate. Two of Dylan’s friends.
Me, Suki, and Cate look at one another. Shake our heads. None of us takes a hit from it. Who knows what’s in it. Dylan pulls something out of his pocket, then squishes himself between me and Donnie. And they hover over it together, snorting it up their noses.
Suki gives me a look. She shakes her head. Mouths Let’s go.
Donnie’s eyes get soft and hazy. She tosses her head back. Tired, euphoric? I don’t know anymore.
“They’re all gonna OD and we’re going to have to drag them down this mountain to a hospital,” Cate says, whispering. “This is like a very bad Lifetime movie.”
She’s right. Cate is totally right. They’re all going to die.
I know Donnie’s here, and I know she’s my best friend and I’d do anything for her. But I’m not staying.
Donnie crawls over to us, her jeans dragging through the dirt. Her brand-new white sneakers, filthy. Her hands in the gravel like she’s some wild creature. Then she looks back at Dylan, still on all fours. He’s more wasted now than I had realized.
“Sometimes you have to start something to get things started,” he slurs, and I don’t even know what that means.
“You should just tell him everything, B. That’s what I do. I just tell him everything,” Donnie says. She’s practically salivating. I lower myself down to her.
“I want to take you home with me. I don’t want you to do anything crazy.”
But Dylan’s talking louder now. In the center of us. Babbling about the moon and stars. He won’t shut up. Then he blurts out: “I read Ali Greenleaf’s story online. That girl goes to your school.”
My hands feel numb, like all the blood is rushing to my fingertips. Like the night was awful already. And now it’s just delved into hell.
“You’re high. You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” I say.
“But you know I do,” Dylan says, too confident. “I know all about it.”
“He doesn’t know shit, B. Look at him. He’s in space,” Cate says. “Let’s get Donnie and get out of here.”
“Some girl got raped and you guys tried to take her down,” he says. “I read it. I know it’s about you.”
I give him the finger.
Donnie grabs my leg. She’s still in the dirt. “We
