“She’s wasted again, B. Don’t listen to her,” Suki says. “How many times have we gotten you out of a mess this year, Donnie? You always go too far. Just shut up.”
“Stand up,” I say, grabbing at Donnie’s arms, but she’s hitting me away, fighting me. “We’re taking you home. Stand up.”
“Remember when it just used to be us, B?” Donnie is saying, stroking my thighs. Kneeling below me. “Remember when it was just me and you? And none of these hangers-on . . .” she says, holding on to my thighs, because if she doesn’t she’ll fall. I take her arms. Support her. “Why did you need anyone else but me? Why did you need Sean? The way you followed him down that hole? And who did it lead you to? Ali Greenleaf? And then you followed her, crushed on her, and let go of me. Couldn’t you have liked me the way you loved Ali?”
My hands over her cheeks. Pleading with her, her thin body still kneeling in the ground. “I love you, Donnie. What are you talking about? I love you. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I’m begging you to come home with me.”
She raises her body up slowly, painfully, holding on to my hands, like she has weights on her shoulders. One foot in front of the other. Her hands out. Balance.
And like a snap, a quick snap. She’s got no floor. “Catch her, catch her,” Cate is screaming. Donnie’s face pale and greenish. She’s on the ground face forward in the dirt. All her beautiful curls floating. I shake her, screaming her name.
“What is she doing, B? Turn her over!” Cate screaming. Like I know. Like I’m in charge here.
“Don’t turn her over,” Dylan says, but it’s more like a whisper from a ghost. He’s sitting in the dirt. His head rocking between his knees. “That’s how Jimi Hendrix died. Choked on his own puke. Just leave her. I’ll take the princess home. She’s just nodded out. Prop her on her side.”
I’ve done pretty awful things in my life. But I’ve never left my best friend with her face in the dirt in the middle of the night.
“How are we going to get her down, B?” Suki says. Her face struggling for an answer. “She’s gonna die, B.”
I hiss for her to shut up.
“Suki, you’re going to take her head and shoulders, and Cate, you’re going to take the middle. I’ve got her feet and legs.”
We hoist her up, and she’s so bony yet so heavy. Suki screaming in Donnie’s face. She’s still breathing. She’s still there. My face is wet with tears. We’re shaking her as we make our way down the hill.
“All we need to do is get to the car. That’s it. We just need to get to the car.”
* * *
We stretch her out in the back seat of the car, pulling and unfolding her limp body. All of us breathing heavy. Checking her pulse like Nurse Chiltarn taught us in health class.
“This seems like a long time for her to be out, B,” Cate says, panting. “This just seems like a really long time.”
Suki leans over Donnie’s face and shakes her. Hard. “Wake up, Donnie! Wake up, Donnie, you idiot!” Then right in her face, her mouth so close to hers. “We are taking you to the hospital! Can you hear me!”
Donnie opens her eyes.
“You’re not taking me to the hospital,” she says. Coughing, her eyes blinking as if she’s trying to focus but she can’t.
Suki starts crying. Really crying. Rolls off Donnie and crawls backward out of the car. Sits on a rock.
My eyes are closed. Listening to the hum of Suki’s cries. She’s in the car now. Up front. Shotgun like she always wants. I’m in the back with Donnie on my lap and I feel us moving. The windows are open. Like it’s any other night. Like it’s the four of us just cruising.
But everything is different now. We all know this. That none of it’s the same.
“Take me somewhere easy. I just want to go somewhere easy,” Donnie whispers.
If only there was such a place.
I fold over her chest. Surrender to the night. Suki twists her body back to me and reaches her hand out to grab mine.
“You know when you just have no more left?” Donnie says, licking her dry lips.
“Yes,” I whisper.
“It’s like that.”
“I know,” I say. “I know.”
52
ALI
It’s on the plane back to New Jersey that I decide to report what happened to me. I don’t know what clicked. I think it was the thought of Sean Nessel getting his Christmas presents and feeling relieved, like the worst part of his life was finally behind him and how did he get so lucky to escape it? I imagine him sitting there like a child who got everything he wanted from Santa and how maybe he’d go off to college and do the same thing to other girls that he did to me. How easy it would be for him.
That’s when I decided that I didn’t want to make things easy for him. I saw way deep into the future, where one day someone like Sean Nessel would exist as a powerful figure, in charge, making decisions. Where his past would completely escape him. Where rumors would be dismissed as teenage antics because nothing was actually on the record. This doesn’t mean that this is the right choice for everyone. But right now, this feels right to me.
* * *
That night. Home with my dad. I explain it all to him. My nose wrinkles from the smell of my words. Ever have that happen to you? Your words stink so bad that you can smell it— It’s like that awful rotten-egg stink.
My father whimpers an awful sound of defeat. He looks around the room. Sits on his hands. Scrubs his hair. He is not ready to process this. I try
