Exams were a few weeks away, and I threw myself into studying, spending time in the library in school, pulling the occasional all-nighter over the weekends. I saw less of everyone, even Sarah, as I dove into my notes and textbooks, seeking solace from the familiarity of it all. Cole was still not back yet, and I wondered if he would miss the exams altogether. He was unlikely to be in the frame of mind to sit them anyway.
But then late on Wednesday night, as I pored over my Math notebook, doing some last-minute revision for the exam the next day, I heard a knock on my bedroom door. It was soft, and I immediately walked over to the door, expecting to see my mom, who I hadn’t spoken to since the night before. She and Marcus were on better terms, it seemed, although I still hadn’t heard anything about the wedding.
It was...Cole. He stood at the doorway, his head bowed, and I was struck by how gaunt his cheeks were. Not Hans, because Hans is still in that rehab place. He had to be. My heart stuttered at the thought. “Cole?” When did he arrive?
His rich brown eyes clouded over as he searched my face. “Ella.”
I became self-conscious, dressed in my old pajama shorts and a camisole, my hair probably a mess. I rubbed my bare arms, then turned to grab a robe hanging just behind the door. He stood there, silent, as if waiting to be invited in, and I decided to trust my gut. “Come on in.”
He walked inside, turned as if to do a quick survey of the room, and remained standing. “I...I can’t sleep.” His arms hung limply by his sides. I wasn’t sure what made me reach for him - the desperation in his voice, the way it wavered as it revealed his inner turmoil, or how broken he looked then. It was at odds with the Cole I knew, or at least the one I thought I did. I stood in front of him, wanting to give him a hug, but unsure as to how it would be received. To hell with it. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling his body stiffen before he slowly relaxed in my embrace, his head bowed, his muscular arms coming around me. I could hear his shuddering breaths, feel the tears as his eyes pressed into my head. I had never seen him so naked and vulnerable before, and couldn’t associate this guy to the one who had sat in the cafeteria with his taunting eyes as his twin made fun of me.
“This is so messed up.”
I waited, knowing there was more where that came from. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. He wasn’t supposed to do any of that. Not him.”
Me – Cole.
It was what he didn’t say that struck me. “Why do you say that?”
He pulled away, crossed his arms in front of him and started to pace around the room. When I was sure he would burn a circular hole through the carpet, I tried again. “Cole, you can’t blame yourself for what Hans did.”
His laugh was brittle, like shards of broken, jagged glass. “It was supposed to be me. Heck, it might still be me.”
Tell me, I willed him. I don’t understand.
He turned around suddenly, his dark eyes fixed onto mine, suddenly appearing focused and stealthy, back to the Cole I had come to know. “Ella. I came here to apologize. You don’t want to be a part of this family. It’s best if you stay away from us. It’s...broken.”
And he turned and left the room, slamming the door behind him.
What just happened?
I deliberated whether to run after him and shake him until I got an explanation, then decided he probably needed space and time to think. I looked down at my abandoned notebook, and decided I had had enough. It wasn’t as if I could focus on formulas and numbers now anyway.
It took me forever to drift off to an uneasy sleep, and when I did, I had a dream punctuated by screams and images of me in Monica’s place, being forced facedown against a black mattress, whilst Cole held a knife against my neck. I couldn’t get out of it, and when morning came, I could still feel the scream trapped in my throat and the blade against my skin.
***
I finished the paper with minutes to spare, having double-checked all my answers. A headache had begun to form behind my eyes, and I rubbed my temple in circular motions, attempting to relieve it. Cole’s face kept on flashing in my mind, and I itched to find out whether he went to school today or not. Marcus had dropped me off this morning, and I had noticed both the twins’ cars were still in the garage, untouched for over a week now. Marcus hadn’t mentioned that Cole was back, and I wondered if he even knew. Nor did we speak about Hans and how he was doing, or even how long they expected him to stay there. It was a far cry from the open, honest relationship I had seen begin to develop in the whole of last year – before the twins came into the picture.
After the last of our classes, I headed for my locker, keeping an eye out for Cole the entire time.
"Ella!" I turned to see Jules sprint towards me, and was surprised when she swept me into a bone-crushing hug. "You okay?"
I wasn't sure what she was asking about, so I simply nodded.
"How were your papers today?" I asked.
She shrugged. "I probably bombed that Chemistry one, but that wouldn't surprise me. It's not my best subject. What about you?"
I wanted to tell her I thought I
