“I didn’t order this. They made a mistake.” I look around, making sure everyone hears me.
One of the servers walks by with the chocolate penises. Of course, my mother grabs one before she even realizes what it is.
“Grammy, why are you eating a chocolate willy?” Rachel asks. “Look, Momma! It’s just like Gabe’s willy!” She grabs a balloon and runs over with it.
I look over at the guests, who are all snickering at this point. “Surprise!” Kaleigh yells. “You guys are in for a treat!”
Mom’s best friend, Sarah, comes up to me. “I love it, it’s very liberating. And fun,” she giggles as she takes a sip of her drink through her own penis straw.
I am completely and utterly humiliated, and I’m about two seconds away from sobbing in the middle of my backyard. The song “It’s My Party And I Can Cry If I Want To” is playing on repeat in my head. Tears well up in my eyes.
I’m about to have an epic meltdown, and we didn’t even serve the meal yet. I hear a knock on the side gate and in walk, or should I say saunter, Austin and his friend, Noah.
Austin looks like sin on a stick. He’s dressed in blue jeans and a linen button-down shirt rolled up at the sleeves. His silver Rolex on his wrist, and his gold aviator glasses on his face. A dusting of two days’ worth of stubble gives him an edge. “Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to crash your party,” he says with a megawatt smile on his face.
I look over at Noah, who is looking around at all the penises, his eyes bulging out of his head. He turns and looks at Austin and covers his mouth with his hand. It is in this moment that I know I’ve been played.
“You.” I point at Austin.
He walks up to me, turning his smile at Mom. “You must be Lauren’s sister,” he says, kissing her hand. She smiles and throws her head back and laughs.
“Oh, you silly boy. I’m Deidra, Lauren’s mother. You can call me Dede,” she invites while she smiles at him.
“You can call her nothing, because you’re leaving. Now. And”—I turn to him—“how did you know where I live?”
“Lauren, stop being rude to the guests,” my mother scolds, while my father walks over and introduces himself. “Hello, son, I’m Frank, Lauren’s father.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “He isn’t a guest. This is my former boss.” I look at him. “I quit. Done. Finished. Finito. I’m out,” I snap with my hands on my hips.
“Who is the other one?” Kaleigh asks with a chin lift in Noah’s direction.
“That’s Noah,” I answer. “Gabe, can you go inside and get my car keys? Mr. Mackenzie was coming to get his dry cleaning,” I say to Gabe, who runs inside to get my keys.
“Mom, can I have a willy chocolate?” Rachel tugs at my skirt while she asks me the question.
“No, you cannot have a willy chocolate. We are going to eat in a minute.” I turn and storm inside, walking past the kitchen to the bathroom, where I try to slam the door shut, but a brown shoe blocks it from closing.
“Seriously, what do you want?” I look at him. He’s pushed the glasses to the top of his head. I blink away the tears that have formed in my eyes and look away from him so he doesn’t see. “Didn’t you get your revenge already?” I throw my hands up. “You penis-bombed my parents’ anniversary party!”
He leans against the closed door, folding his arms across his chest. His scent fills the room, making it feel small all of a sudden.
“You made my balls swell to the size of fucking grapefruits. I thought they were going to explode,” he fires back at me.
“I did no such thing.” I look at my shoes and then look up. “But this, this... You pushed it too far.”
“How about we call a truce?” Austin asks. “I don’t think I can take any more. I almost died, and my testicles almost exploded.”
“Fine,” I agree, putting out my hand to shake his. He grabs my hand in his, and the minute he touches me, my breath hitches and I try to pull my hand away, but he holds it firmly.
“Truce,” he promises, his thumbs stroking my hand. I look down where our hands meet. The room is getting smaller and smaller.
Right as I start to lean into him, there is a loud knock. “Hey, I don’t mean to interrupt, but, um, Jake is here.”
Chapter 12
Austin
The minute she told me she was having a brunch at her house, I set a plan in motion. This was after I called the dry cleaners and asked them if they changed soaps.
I was told that my clothes had been brought back with the very odd request that they be recleaned—twice. That little shit.
It took about thirty hours for the swelling in my balls to go down. Thirty hours of praying to every god I could think of that they would return to normal. I just didn’t want to have big balls anymore.
So when I finally calmed down, I put my plan in motion. I found her address in the company directory that only HR and higher management can access.
From there, I set out to find local businesses who sold party materials in the shape of a penis. I called in the event planner that I usually use, and she was nothing but professional. I was really surprised that she didn’t even bat an eye at my strange requests.
“Isn’t this a weird request?”
“Austin, you would be surprised the stuff I have had to find. Penises? Please. That’s like trying to find princesses nowadays.”
After telling her what I wanted, she set it all up to be delivered before noon. I called Noah and asked if he wanted to do brunch with me, but not telling him
