Horribly so.
Struggling to breathe through the hurt bombarding me at the sight of her, I climbed to my feet and crossed the room to where she sat next to an open window, her shaking arms circling her bent legs as one tear after another fell from her eyes, leaving streaks of wetness in their wake.
“Bebé,” I whispered, sitting next to her. “What’s wrong?” It was a question I already knew the answer to, yet I still asked it.
Tucking a stray lock of chocolate-brown hair behind her ear, I leaned forward and kissed her forehead.
Neither move did anything to dull the pain that was ripping her to shreds, but I wanted her to know that I was there and that I loved her.
More than words could ever say.
Dark eyes meeting mine, she hiccupped. “I want her b-back,” she cried, her entire body trembling. “I want my Addie b-back.”
Her agony-lined words hurt.
So damned bad.
Like every other minute since she’d made the hard decision to surrender her child via the Georgia Safe Haven law following giving birth, she was missing her preciosa little girl.
It enraged me like nothing else because at only sixteen, losing her child was a soul-crushing type of anguish that she should’ve never been made to bear.
But life had given her no other choice.
Or rather, El Diablo hadn’t.
I had little doubt that if she’d attempted to keep sweet little Addie, Dominic would’ve disposed of her without thinking twice.
As deep as his obsession with Chiquita ran, there was no earthly way he would’ve let anyone come between them unless it was a paying client. It mattered little that Addie was his bebé too.
Fucking hijo de puta. I hated the bastardo for all the pain he’d caused, with a fiery passion.
Needing to comfort mi oldest chica the only way I knew how, I pulled her into my arms. Sobs growing in intensity, her body shook harder.
“It’s okay.” Running my fingers through her silky hair, I rocked her back and forth. “Everything will be okay, bebé. I give you my word.”
Face buried against me, she fisted the oversized tee I wore. Tugging on the fabric until she nearly ripped it right off me, she cried out, the heart-wrenching sound similar to one a wounded animal would make.
“It’s not o-okay,” she stuttered, tears soaking my shirt and chill bump-covered skin. “And it never will be. Not ever again. Not without h-her.”
It broke me to admit, but she was right.
No matter what happened in the coming years, or how bright Ashley’s future grew after I got her and Jade away from the devil who held us captive, an enormous chunk of her would always remain broken.
Shattered.
Heartsick for her, tears of my own fell, wetting the top of her freshly shampooed hair. “I’m going to get us out of here.” My quietly spoken words were more to myself than her. “And when I do, I’m going to make everything better.”
After having been let down by everyone who was meant to care for her, she had little reason to believe me.
Yet I still tried to convince her—along with myself—that I would do as I promised. “It’s been nine days since El Diablo shot me up, Chiquita. I haven’t had a hit since, and I won’t ever again. I’ve got this. I swear it.”
I prayed my words were true because truthfully, it was a miracle that I was still clean.
The emotional cravings that continued to linger as the worst of the withdrawal symptoms lessened were hard, more so than I expected, but it was the physical pain that still inhabited every inch of my body that nearly pushed me to the breaking point.
But I refused to stumble.
My girls needed me clean.
So did James.
Eyes sliding closed at the thought of him, the very man who’d inserted himself into both my thoughts and dreams, I snuggled Ashley tighter, holding her together with every ounce of strength I possessed as she continued to fall apart.
Many hours had elapsed since I’d last smelled his intoxicating scent and tasted his breathtaking kiss on my eager lips.
In that time, I’d begun to go crazy as new feelings I’d never experienced before, took root in my churning belly.
I miss him so much…
Lost in my thoughts, along with the ache that flourished in my chest over his absence, I jumped in place, my culo nearly leaving the floor when Ashley wrapped her fingers around my forearm, surprising me.
Sucking in a startled breath, I snapped my head back and looked down at her, eyes bulging like a cartoon character.
“No more d-dope,” she said in between ragged breaths, her sobs making it hard for her to speak. “Please, Carmen. I don’t—”
I pressed a single finger to her lips, silencing her. Fully aware of what she intended to say, I forced a smile, one that was filled with both desperation and hope. “No more,” I said, assuring her that this time was the time. “I promise.”
No matter how hard the battle became, I would wage a never-ending war against whatever obstacle I faced to remain clean. It was the only choice when all of our lives were on the line.
For them, I could stay clean.
For all of us, I would fight.
“One day soon, I’m going to get all of us out of here. And when that time comes”— my chin trembled, putting the emotions battering me on full display for her to see—“we’re not going to look back.”
At that very moment, my heart screamed at me to tell her all about James, Maddie, and the plans that had been set into motion—James especially.
But I couldn’t.
If I did, my sweet Chiquita would’ve undoubtedly flown into a panic when she learned that I was allowing others to get close, an action which we both knew would turn deadly for all involved if things went awry.
“Not ever,” I continued, swallowing down the secret I so desperately wanted to confess to her. “I promise.”
Disbelief filled her eyes, proving she was hesitant to believe
