“Yeah, but only if you want to talk about it,” she says with a shrug.
I sigh, and like her, I stare out at the backyard. Neither of us wants our eyes to meet, but I can feel the tension in the air, almost like this is a turning moment.
Will I reveal this personal part of my life to her?
“My brother, Mark, is younger than me by a year. We were close, growing up, but he didn’t really fit in with kids his age, preferring to hang out in my circle. I guess he felt a little lost, and that made me feel protective.” I pause to catch my breath.
I glance over at Pepper and watch her hand circle around Danger’s belly, rubbing and scratching, before my gaze drifts back out to the yard.
“I think he got bullied a lot. More than I even know about. He became withdrawn and angry, and that didn’t help the situation. In high school, he fell into a rough crowd. Anyway, Mark has been in trouble in one way or another ever since then. I feel responsible, but sometimes, the pressure is too much, and I just have to duck and cover while I watch him implode. I’ve managed to keep a lot of it from our parents, but ten thousand dollars is more than he’s ever asked for, and on my firefighter and contracting salary, I just can’t swing it along with everything else I’m responsible paying for.” I sit back, my chest heaving. I don’t think I’ve ever said that much all at once, and I’ve never actually told anyone my story.
Pepper hums a little, and I watch as she chews on her bottom lip, still not looking at me. The only sound filling the air is the creak of our rockers as we move back and forth like a little old couple and Danger’s grunts of adoration aimed at Pepper.
“It’s one of the reasons I want to get my degree in therapy. I want to help others in this type of situation. I have a penchant for taking care of people, and I think it’s something I’d really enjoy doing every day.”
I’ve not really opened myself up like this to anyone about my desire to go back to school, but Pepper makes me want to spill my secrets.
“You know, I don’t really have much expertise in things like this, so I’m not going to act like I do,” she says and pauses.
I nod and stay silent, waiting for her to continue. I feel bare, laying a little bit of my heart open for her to see. Not even the guys at the station know, and I’m not sure how I’ve become comfortable enough with Pepper in this short amount of time to tell her, but I’m sort of glad I did.
“But I do know that you can’t control him or his actions, and none of this was caused by you. It seems like you’ve been carrying a burden on your shoulders for a very long time, and it’s weighing you down. Mark is an adult and has made his choices. You couldn’t have done anything more or less to avoid this.”
I know all of this. I’ve told myself all of these exact things over the years, but for some reason, it makes more sense, coming from someone else. Not just anyone else. Coming from Pepper. It helps to hear Pepper say that it’s not something I caused.
“The night before you came to my apartment to buy the couch, we got in a fight. He had been drinking, and I caught him taking money from my wallet. I didn’t know how much trouble he was in, but I was tired of all the games he was playing. I told him to get out. I made him leave, and that’s on me.”
“No, Ben. It’s not your fault.”
“We got in an actual fight. Punches were thrown, and he tried to put his cigarette out on me. I moved in the nick of time, but that’s where the hole in the couch came from.” I feel like I have Pepper’s word vomit. I can’t stop now that I’ve started.
“Oh, Ben. Is that why you were selling the couch?”
“Yeah. I kept replaying the scene every time I looked at it.” I reach up and scratch the back of my neck, my leg twitching a little. I suddenly don’t want to sit still, so I stand abruptly and hold my hand down to Pepper. “Can I show you something?”
12 Pepper
I glance up beneath my lashes at the hand Ben is holding out toward me. Danger perks up, shaking the slumber from his body, and he jumps off my lap. Placing my hand in Ben’s would be a disaster since I can already feel the electricity zapping from his fingertips to my body, but do I care about the consequences? Nope. Putting my palm in his, I relish in the sensation it sends through me. Ben doesn’t look affected, so I quickly withdraw my hand, rubbing it on my shorts.
“Where are we going?” I trot to keep up with his long strides, Danger weaving in and out from between us and barking in excitement.
“My favorite place, growing up,” Ben says with a grin in my direction.
I follow him as we walk back through trees and across dirt and grass. Thank goodness I wore tennis shoes today. After ducking through a few more rows of bushes at the back of the property, we’re standing in front of a fence, a small pond sitting on the other side. A few ripples move from the center of the pond, where a fish surfaces for a minute before diving back into the depths. I look at Ben, and without saying anything, we hop the fence and walk toward the pond. The water is clear and cool when I strip my shoes and socks off to stick my feet in from the makeshift dock
