Anna had infuriated me. How could she be so closed-minded, so fixated on her own problems? She was just as much a product of the Chinese-American dream as I was, in her own twisted way. She’d accused me of thinking everything was black and white and crystal clear, but she was the one who always assumed the worst about everything. Her negativity was so draining to deal with sometimes, her moods so fickle.
Fuck.
And her line of questioning about my lack of friends, my lifestyle...that had really rubbed me the wrong way.
Especially because, to some small extent, I knew that she was right.
I’d lived with my parents during undergrad to save money, so I didn’t have as many close college friends. And even after college, I just didn’t seem to fit in. It always felt like people were judging me, like everyone else had some mysterious knowledge base that they could draw upon, spoke some secret language that I didn’t. It wasn’t easy for me to meet new people and make meaningful connections with them. I didn’t like the things that other people did, and I wasn’t going to change my preferences or lifestyle just to have a few drinking buddies.
And career-wise...I had taken the safe route. I didn’t know exactly what I’d wanted to do with my life (who does?), so I did what I was told—get good grades, make good money. But fulfilling the American part of the Asian-American dream, finding something that I loved, that was meaningful and helped people...that part was tough. The times that I’d tried to discover my own passions, I’d felt like I was being selfish, putting my livelihood at stake and therefore the hopes and dreams of my parents, too, both of whom had busted their asses to give me the privileged life that I now lived. I didn’t want to take that risk. It was easier for me to live my life for the people who depended on me than it was to find meaning for myself. After all, meaning was what you made it to be.
But ultimately, while my parents were proud, I knew that it was impossible for them to be everything that I needed. I did want to set bigger goals for myself. I just...wasn’t sure how.
Sigh.
I’d said some things that I was absolutely going to regret. Anna, at least, was trying to live the meaningful life that she’d dreamed of for herself. I admired her passion, her strength of will, her desire for independence. I hadn’t meant to throw her past in her face. Even now, I wanted to go back and apologize, to make sure that she was okay.
But first, I needed time to calm down.
So I bouldered, hard. Bouldering required me to clear my mind and be in the moment, to focus on what was in front of me. It required more than strength—balance, precision, and the conquering of one’s fear. As always, it centered me and helped me calm down.
Lina eventually showed up. “Hey, I got your text.” She studied my face, and her brow furrowed in concern. “You okay? Trouble in paradise?”
I got onto a seriously crimpy blue V7, balancing precariously on the very tips of the fingers on my left hand, then reached straight up with my right to a one-finger pocket. I placed my right foot onto the next highest footchip, nearly level with my hip, then—
My foot slipped and I fell to the mat.
I sighed and stared up at Lina. “Yeah.”
She sat down on the mat and I rolled up to sit next to her.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. I liked that Lina was never really one to pry. We were climbing partners, and we climbed together a lot, so she could always tell when I was upset about something and vice versa. But we mostly tried not to burden the other person with our problems, just pushed each other to climb harder. Climbing was what we needed from each other, not idle chat.
But I couldn’t help it today. “She’s just so...frustrating. I love that she’s passionate and strong-willed, but she’s also just...kinda messed up.” I sighed and lay back down on the mat. “This has been the craziest three weeks of my life.”
Lina laughed and leaned back onto her elbows. “It’s only been three weeks, and you’re already climbing out your problems with her? That’s not a good sign.”
“I’ve just never felt so..so…”
“Alive?” she offered, chuckling.
It wasn’t quite the word that I was looking for, but maybe it fit. Anna had a knack for bringing out the worst in me, as well as the best. She had upended my peaceful world, like a force of nature, and I both reviled and revered her for it. It’d only been three weeks, but maybe...if we could just get past our differences and learn to communicate better...maybe I could love her more than I’d ever loved anyone. I heaved another sigh.
“Hey.” Lina poked my arm. “What are you doing here?”
“What do you mean?” I sat up. “I’m climbing.” I went to attempt the blue V7 again (same sequence, same result) then came back to sit down.
Lina stared at her fingers, then casually said, “You know, I was married briefly.”
I gaped at her. “Before...we started climbing together?”
“Yeah. He used to be my climbing partner. I met him on a climbing trip, and it was the most passionate relationship I’ve ever been in. Towards the end, we both quit our jobs and spent the year climbing in some of the most beautiful parts of the country.” She smiled fondly. “It was the best year of my life.”
She picked at some dead skin on her palms. “We had such a rocky start, though.” We both chuckled. “No pun intended.”
After a brief pause, she continued. “It was so rocky in part because he was already doing van life as a dirtbag, whereas I was in grad school. So he’d be away for weeks at a time, chasing crags, only coming back to check
