“There’s nothing to be sorry about. We’re both adults. People make decisions and move on. And they get old and die.” He went back to eating his noodles. “That’s life.”
“I guess,” I whispered, sniffling and wiping away two stray tears. I didn’t even try to pretend to eat my food anymore, just shoved it away from me and delicately dabbed a napkin to my eyes.
After a moment, he pushed his plate away too. “Are you done?” he quietly asked.
I nodded, sniffed, and stood up to go. He rose and walked with me towards the elevator.
“Anna, I...I really appreciate the time that I had with you. It was...thrilling.” His voice cracked before he cleared his throat and added, “I hope you’ll find the right person for you. And that we’ll remain friends.”
He’d put on his bland colleague voice again. I was no better to him than Tom, Rich, or Emily. The elevator doors opened and he placed his hand on my back and walked me in.
But when the doors closed with just the two of us in the elevator, he turned to me and surprised me with a hug. He pressed my face into his chest and I couldn’t help but inhale his familiar scent. I wrapped my arms around his waist and he held me close, blanketing me with his warmth, cradling my head in his hands, his fingers in my hair. He took a deep breath. Then, as the elevator slowed to a halt, he let me go.
I turned to catch his arm. “Ian—”
He firmly pulled away and walked out without a word, not meeting my eyes.
I stared after him as my coworkers got onto the elevator. They stepped in and turned their backs to me, facing the front, their eyes carefully averted. The door closed.
The waterworks were on full blast by the time the doors next opened.
Where was the anger? The hatred? The pride or sense of self-preservation? The only thing in my chest was emptiness, like a core part of me had just suddenly disappeared, collapsed in on itself. Where Ian’s steadfast support and tender compassion once existed, there was just a huge, gaping vacuum, a black hole eating me up inside.
It was clear that he’d already checked out of the relationship, had moved on without me. And he was literally moving away, to San Francisco, without me.
I would never hear his boisterous laugh again, the one he saved only for me, for our private moments together. I’d never again feel the perfect fit of his body against mine, the feel of him inside me, his weight so comfortably crushing me into the bed.
His smell, his smile, his eyes, his hands...his affection...they were no longer mine. And it fucking hurt.
After one full elevator ride down and up, I walked back into the office and asked my boss for the rest of the day off. She took one look at my face and said, “Take tomorrow off, too.”
◆◆◆
“Yeah, he told me while he was here.” Apparently, Cassie already knew that he was moving to San Francisco.
“I guess that’s all. He just wanted to apologize, say it’s over, and tell me that he’s moving.”
“I see. Nana...you going to be okay?” On screen, Cassie’s face was scrunched up with sympathy.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” I’d cried it all out at the office earlier. And I knew that we weren’t right for each other. It was a painful truth that I just needed time to accept.
Cassie bit her lip. “You know...you could move to SF, too.”
The thought had crossed my mind earlier, but...“No thanks. My life is here.”
“So don’t take this the wrong way, but what’s so great about New York? You told me that you mostly just hang out with Asher and his music buddies.” She bobbed her head around, excited. “If you came here, we could meet at a bar every Sunday instead of on Google Hangouts!”
I slowly shook my head. The idea was tempting, but I didn’t want to just follow Ian, and I didn’t think that it would actually make me that much happier. I needed to figure things out on my own. For real this time.
Part of me knew that I’d been a hypocrite with Ian. I’d judged him for not living a life for himself, but at least he acknowledged that he’d wanted to live for others and went all out for it. He’d been successful, in his own way. I supposedly knew what I wanted...but how much was I really doing to achieve it?
I’d felt helpless for so long, stuck in situation after situation, with no easy way out. My solution had always been to run away or blame others. But deep down, I knew that I had only myself to blame. I wasn’t helpless...just scared.
Tears flooded my eyes when I thought about the first time we’d ever gone climbing together. How he’d believed in me and helped me learn to believe more in myself. Or about how, even though we’d lived together, he’d given me space to grow on my own, like I’d asked him to. Or when I’d admitted that I was serially dependent on others, how he’d looked me in the eye and challenged me to do better.
Don’t just sit there and cry, do something about it.
He hadn’t let me wallow in self-pity, something I regularly did and hated about myself.
Something I was doing even then.
I sighed. There was no reason to dwell. He was a great guy, and I was broken. I really didn’t deserve him.
But maybe...maybe I could.
“Cass, I need your help. I need you to hold me accountable.”
“For what?”
I gritted my teeth. “I’m going to fucking take control of my life.”
Chapter 22
-Ian-
It took a few weeks for the transfer to happen, and for me to arrange for my mom’s and my belongings to be shipped to SF. She’d opted to stay with my aunt and uncle, so I decided to just rent a place in Pacific Heights instead of
