“That’s great Madison. Now our sessions are still between us and only us. It’s ok too if you want to call me Scott here.”
“Ok Scott.” It felt weird calling my therapist by his first name, but I guess I’ll get used to it. “Alright love birds, I’m going to head up and sleep this food off.” They both said goodnight and I could hear them already being cute with each other. Delilah was threatening to spray him with the sink hose if even thinks about hitting her in the face with one of the mini pies. I guess he didn’t take her warning because I can hear Delilah screaming and then both of them laughing hysterically. They reminded me of two teenagers in love, which made me miss when Jude and I were kids fooling around like that. Everything always came back to him.
I spent the night tossing and turning, not being able to shut my mind off. Why is it the moment you lay your head on the pillow you replay everything in your head? Then the next thing your doing is thinking what would happen if you did this instead of that. Just so many it’s, what’s, and why’s. By the time the sun started to rise, I was mentally exhausted. Thankfully my brain got the memo and I was finally able to fall asleep.
By the time I got up it was already one. Everyone was coming for five, so I still had time to visit my mama. I always visited her on thanksgiving because it was her favorite holiday. My father would be glued to the tv watching football. He was surprisingly good on Thanksgiving which gave me and my mama break from the abuse we faced from him any other day.
I took a shower, got dressed, and headed down to the kitchen to say good bye to Delilah before heading to the cemetery. Surprisingly she wasn’t anywhere to be found, but I did see a note taped on the refrigerator.
Madison,
Scott and I had to go the market to pick up some food for tonight. I’ll be home around two. Tell your mama I said hello and I’ll see you later.
Love, Delilah
One of the many things I loved about Delilah was she never judged my mama for her mistakes. I grabbed my scarf, a bottle of the wine my mama only drank on Thanksgiving, and headed out to the cemetery. They say time make things easier, but I don’t think it ever gets easier. Time makes you learn how to manage your new life without your love ones, but trust me there’s nothing ever easy about losing someone close to you. There is never a time or place that doesn’t remind me of my mama.
When I got to her headstone, I sat in front of it and poured my mama a cup of the wine. It may be silly to others, but it’s something I’ve done the past few years that makes me feel that my mama is here visiting with me. “Hey mama, happy Thanksgiving. So much has changed this year that I really wish you were here. I live off campus with Stella while I go to St. John’s University. Do you remember me telling you about Jude? Funny thing he goes there too and lives with Stella’s brother.” I paused for a few minutes before saying, “Mama I fell. I fell hard for Jude and I don’t think I ever stopped. The problem is we have so much history filled with secrets and lies, but there’s been good moments too. He confuses me because he will do or say something awful, but then he makes up for it in some way.” I paused and took a drink of the wine before finally admitting, “I finally got fed up with the back and forth between us, so I decided to walk away. In my head I was doing the right thing, but my heart begs to differ. I’m so lost mama.” I laid my head against her tombstone when a gust of wind blew through. I looked down at a beanie that flew next to me and it’s owner looking down at me.
“How did you find me here?” I asked Jude.
“That gust of wind blew my beanie over here.” He bent down and grabbed his beanie from next to my mama’s tombstone.
“Oh ok.” I felt like an idiot there for a minute because I thought he might have came here looking for me.
“I’m happy it did.” Jude said.
“You are?” Just those few words he said had my heart racing.
“Listen little bird, this isn’t the first and mostly likely won’t be the last time I screw up, but I’m sorry for everything.”
“Thank you, but honestly I still have no idea why you are so mad at me.”
He took a deep breath. Either he was nervous or pissed that I was still clueless, but he finally said, “Mr.Montgomery showed me the texts on his phone from you telling him I was selling his wife’s pills and that I tried drugging and taking advantage of you. He kicked me out because of that.” All this time he thought I betrayed him because of that monster.
“When were the texts sent?” I hope Mr. Montgomery was dumb enough to do it that night.
“The night we got caught. I figured you did it because I wanted to keep us a secret, but Madison it’s ok it doesn’t matter to me.”
“It does matter! How could I send those texts if he took our phones away that night.” Jude’s face paled at the realization that I never had my phone to do that. All these years we wasted over me thinking he
