‘Honestly, I think it’s for the best.’ Tom realised he was wrapping his scarf around his hand again.
He was lucky to have such a friend. Someone who’d stick with him through thick and thin and already had for years. He knew Nell would be supportive too when he told her, but he just couldn’t deal with that yet. She’d hug him and being in her arms would only intensify the pain of everything he was about to lose. There had never been much of a chance of them getting together, but it was like the last vestige of hope had gone with his diagnosis. The only thing he could deal with was getting back to the shop. He might even give Janie the afternoon off. After all, she’d covered for him enough, she deserved it. And he’d make sure to give her a surprise Christmas bonus in her pay packet this month. She was a good girl and if he was looking at winding up the business and finding something he could do even when his sight failed, she’d be out of a job.
As they left the warmth of the hospital and stepped into the cold December air, Tom again felt the whole of his life sliding away: all his plans, all his dreams, all his hopes for the future were fading with his sight. He’d never felt so low in his entire life and it was only going to get worse, but he had to push those feelings deep down inside and bury them. There were only five days until the mayor’s Christmas party when he and Nell would be turning Holly Lodge into a winter wonderland and less than two weeks till Kieran and Cat’s wedding. He had to keep it together until then.
As much as he could on the drive back, he studied the world of Swallowtail Bay before he wasn’t able to see it anymore: the rolling green fields surrounded by high hedges; the way the coast appeared on the horizon and then ran alongside as you drove into town. He tried to memorise the endless noise of the seagulls, remember the way they soared on the wind, gliding effortlessly.
The sea was blustery today, violently crashing onto the shore – destructive. Something about it matched Tom’s mood. Before long, they entered the hustle and bustle of town and seeing the glittering Christmas lights hung all along the promenade made a lump form in his throat. Being surrounded by Christmas decorations made it all seem worse somehow. Receiving this news at any time would have been awful but getting it at Christmas – at the most magical time of the year – made it even harder to bear. Every decoration reminded him that at some point he’d be like Grandad Nigel, unable to see anything at all.
What would Christmas be like when he couldn’t see? Would it still feel the same? It was the start of December, traditionally the time they got the Christmas tree out. At some point there’d come a time when he couldn’t put the tree together with Nell at Holly Lodge or decorate it. The stinging in his nose returned as tears tried once more to take over. The town was busy with early Christmas shoppers and the tree at the bottom of the high street sparkled in the dull light.
Looking around he felt all his Christmas spirit vanish. It wasn’t the most magical time of the year for him. It was the most horrendous.
Chapter 19
Saturday came far too quickly, and Nell had roped in all her friends to help rearrange and decorate Holly Lodge ready for the mayor’s party that evening. To set the mood, she had cheesy Christmas music playing as loudly as she could get away with and set up a tea tray for them all with gingerbread men, mince pies and lebkuchen. There was more than enough to keep them going. Cat had taken the day off work, and Kieran and Tom were joining them later.
The thought of seeing Tom for the first time since Kieran told her how he felt about her – how he’d always felt about her – made her more nervous. It had been a relief not to see him as often as usual this week, but she was still worried about him. Since Monday he hadn’t really spoken to her. Whenever she’d called, he’d been dashing off to see Nigel, or been working late into the evening. Though she had some guests, she’d also pretended to be busy with preparations for the party, and somehow had managed to avoid him without it being obvious. She just needed to figure out how to act around him first.
Nell wondered now if that was why he’d been so distant lately. Maybe as it was Christmas and they were both single he was feeling lonely. The thought that he wanted her made her both excited and scared in equal measure. Over the last few days, she’d spent the time trying to imagine a life with Tom, but her brain refused to budge. It made her feel guilty that she couldn’t picture anything, because it meant only one thing – she didn’t want him the same way she’d wanted other men.
To save her from herself, Nell shifted her attention onto Cat, who’d just come through the dining-room door. Holding onto the news for nearly a whole week had been the hardest thing she’d ever done, but Cat had been working long hours again, and whenever they’d talked, she’d had wedding things to discuss. Nell hadn’t wanted to hijack those discussions with something like this, especially over the phone.
‘Hey,’ Cat said quietly, full of trepidation. Nell could immediately see she felt guilty for changing her mind on some more of the wedding details. The latest thing had been the fairy lights. Cat had originally
