I was a monster.
Hours later back at our flat, Sam was sleeping soundly. I was wide awake. Careful not to disturb him, I snuck outside to sit and think on the veranda. My mind raced. I wondered what the hell I was going to do. I needed my BFF.
Alex: Z are you there?
Zoey: …
Zoey: …
Zoey: Hey!
Alex: I miss you.
Zoey: I miss you too.
Alex: I’m engaged to Sam the Aussie.
Zoey: What????
Alex: Long story, I’m living in Oz.
Zoey: WTF! R you going to get married?
Alex: Dunno, for fucks sake, I’m only 21.
Zoey: Huh. Well, I’m going to law school.
Alex: Will you come to Australia and be in my wedding if I go through with it?
Zoey: Something tells me that I won’t need to worry about it.
Alex: Full disclosure - I saw LTZ tonight in Sydney.
Zoey: …
Zoey: …
Zoey: I can’t talk about Ty. Sorry.
Alex: I know, I’m sorry, but I didn’t want to lie to you.
Zoey: It’s ok.
Alex: Please don’t disappear again, I need you.
Zoey: It’s hard when you’re with them, I’m jealous and sad.
Alex: You could talk to Ty.
Zoey: …
Zoey: …
Zoey: Gotta go, love you don’t get married without me.
Alex: love u2, I won’t.
I despaired as I wrapped myself snugly in a blanket, and I was not the despairing type.
How did I end up engaged? Why did I bring Sam to the show? Did I want to throw it in Jace’s face? Did I want to be with Jace? Even though I only saw him for a few minutes, his mere presence brought up a groundswell of feelings. Feelings that had no basis in reality. Jace had never given me any indication that he wanted us to be a couple. So why was I so conflicted?
My phone buzzed interrupting my thoughts.
Jace: Where did you go?
Alex: headache
Jace: huh
Jace: You looked beautiful, are you happy?
Alex: I don’t know how to answer that.
Jace: huh
Jace: Sam seems nice.
Alex: He is.
Jace: Do you love him?
Alex: Yes . . .
Jace: But?
Alex: I’m barely 21, WTF am I doing.
Jace: You said you’d meet someone.
Alex: I know.
Jace: I can admit that I was hoping tonight would go a different way.
Alex: huh
Jace: We head back to Seattle tomorrow.
Alex: Say hi to Seattle, I’m missing home.
Jace: So, do you live here?
Alex: Y for now
Jace: I want the best 4u.
Alex: I know, I want the same 4u.
Jace: I should get going.
Alex: Ok.
Jace: jealous, u know
Alex: Have u been celibate for a year?
Jace: What if I told you I was?
Alex: ???
Jace: No, I can’t lie.
Alex: Then u can’t be jealous, it doesn’t work that way.
Jace: I know.
Alex: ok
Jace: ok
Alex: keep in touch
Jace: Maybe, it’s best I let you off the hook on that.
Alex: we’re friends
Jace: sexy friends
Alex: right
Jace: Take care, Poppy.
Alex: You too.
Tears streamed down my face and I curled up into a ball and wept, trying hard to sort out the mess I was in. Sam was awesome and I loved being with him, but after seeing Jace, I realized that I didn’t love him the way I should. I was pretty sure I loved Jace.
But, did I know what love was?
Jace was unavailable. It wasn’t like if I broke up with Sam that my sexy drummer would call me his girlfriend or propose marriage. For nearly three years, outside of our two days in Barcelona, I’d been alone. I’d met a lot of friends, but they were transients like me. Sam was truly awesome, and now that I had someone who really wanted to be with me, how could I leave him behind?
Then again, how could I stay?
Chapter 11
JACE
Two years later
Ordinarily, we didn’t have to be at the venue on a load-in day, but since it was the beginning of the Z tour in Europe our new publicists hired a crew to shoot a bunch of behind-the-scenes footage and we wanted to do a run-through of the live show. Now that we had truly hit the big-time, our schedules were more packed than ever before. Even with an actual staff to handle a lot of the mundane things we used to do, it felt like we had even less time for ourselves.
Strolling through the bowels of the SSE Arena in Belfast, I watched the flurry of activity related to our new stage, which was in the final stages of being set up. The crew was scurrying around troubleshooting the lighting, rigging, and PA systems, and the arena staff was equally as busy making sure catering was perfect and the dressing rooms followed our riders.
My favorite part of production was watching the safety checks on the special effects we had incorporated into our live show. The LTZ experience now involved lasers, pyrotechnics, and a couple of aerial tricks which, when you were in the middle of playing, were hard to fully appreciate. I wanted to take photos for the social media feeds from the audience’s perspective.
Afterward, I headed to the dressing room. Connor and Zane were already there getting ready for our photo shoot. With my uniform of a T-shirt and khaki shorts, I was ready. I still hated the bullshit man-primping our “advisors” kept encouraging. My one act of rebellion.
No one knew where Ty was, so I went to look for him. Sure enough, he was in the stairwell getting a blowjob from some random chick. I could see her tousled black hair bobbing back and forth on his dick. His new normal. When he caught my gaze, his blue eyes were hollow. His face didn’t really register any sense of enjoyment.
“Dude, finish up.” I rolled my eyes.
“That’s enough.” Ty pulled the chick off his cock by her cheeks and stood up, tucked himself back into his threadbare jeans, and followed me back to the dressing room without giving her a second look.
“Ty—” I really didn’t know what the fuck he was doing anymore.
“Don’t say a fucking word.” Ty glowered at me.
“I’m not going to tell you what to do.” I clapped his back. “But, fucking Zoey out of your system isn’t working.”
“I sing these songs
