Scared to death I’m going to lose not only my family, but the love of my life. Shit’s never been easy for us, we’ve fought and clawed our way through situations that would have destroyed other married couples, and I’ve always seen us making the sacrifices to keep us together.
But now, I’m not sure we’re going to make those sacrifices.
I don’t know how we can come back from this.
Every day I start the morning thinking this is the day. She’ll finally let me back home, but each day I’m disappointed because we’re further away from where we started.
“Do you think she’ll hurt Walker?” Drew’s voice is low, almost so low I can’t hear him.
“She’d never hurt our son.”
His glare presses against me, holding me back from taking the swing at his face he deserves.
“I thought she’d never kick you out of the house, but here we are.”
There’s nothing I can say to him, nothing that will make him understand how I’m trying my best to adhere to her wishes.
“She lost her baby.”
“Both of you,” Drew insists. “Both of you lost your baby, you should be trying to get through it together. I just can’t get behind this, dude. You’re both hurting so much and neither of you want to take the first step.”
“Fuck you,” I throw my half-smoked cigarette down.
“What’d you say to me?”
Most men wouldn’t go toe-to-toe with Drew, but we’ve grown up together, we’ve started running this club together, and even though I should be, I’m not scared of him.
“You heard me. Fuck you. You don’t know what it’s like,” I kick at the gravel around our feet, smiling smugly when a few of the rocks make a clanging noise against his bike.
“I’m gonna pretend like you didn’t just do that to me, Dalton. You do it again and I’ll kick your ass.”
The idea has merit. Maybe then I could fucking feel something. Right now, I don’t feel anything at all. Even pain would be preferable to this numbness that seems to have overtaken my body in the past couple of months.
Before I can even think about it, my foot goes out, kicking the rocks one more time. Again, they clang, hitting the metal of Drew’s bike.
“I told you son-of-a-bitch, you do it again and I’m gonna kick your ass.”
Standing there with an attitude - which I know pisses him off - I cross my arms over my chest. “That’s what you said, but that’s not what you’re doing.”
He makes a noise deep in his throat, bends over at the waist and runs, tackling me, and taking us both to the ground.
In times past when we’ve tussled, I’ve never taken a shot at him. Not to say I haven’t wanted to, but I’ve always respected him enough not to let my anger get the best of me. He’s the hotheaded one and I’m the person who typically talks him down, and reminds him there’s always a bigger picture.
But not today. Today I let him hit me once, then I fight back.
Fight with everything I have.
Fists are flying, fucks are being thrown out haphazardly, and I’m reveling in the pain. It’s something I can finally feel. So much better than the nothing I’ve been saddled with since I realized Mandy called her brother to take her to the hospital and not me.
From that moment, it’s seemed like I didn’t matter and the truth is - I’ve hated him for it. I’ve hated him for being there for her in that moment, because it should have been me.
Drew stops, his face screwed up, blood gushing out of his nose. “What did you say?”
I don’t remember saying anything, so I shake my head.
“It should have been you?”
The anger comes back, as if I’ve opened a gate and can’t close it against the helplessness and fear mixed in. “She should have called me, I’m her husband. All I’ve ever wanted is to be there for her, but when things get difficult, we can’t seem to be on the same fuckin’ page.”
“Mandy dealt with a lot while we were growing up.”
“So did I, and so did you.”
And that’s when they come. The tears I’ve been holding back for months. In big heaving sobs, forcing my sore chest to inhale deep breaths to try and keep from hyperventilating.
“I miss my family,” I rub the back of my hand across my nose, surprised when it comes back red. Falling back on my ass, my shoulders slump. “All I’ve ever wanted is a fucking family, Drew. I had it, for a little while, and now it’s been taken from me.”
Drew winces as he has a seat next to me. “You have a family.”
I shake my head. “Push comes to shove, you’ll always pick her and I’ll never make anyone choose. I’ll give up the patch if I have to. Sometimes it’s like I’m fighting a losing battle. Is love supposed to be this hard to hang on to?”
He doesn’t answer, and I wonder if that’s the problem.
Maybe Mandy and I aren’t meant to be together. Maybe it’d be best if we went our separate ways.
But the more I think about it, the more the pain in my chest intensifies, and I know I’ll do whatever it takes to get my family back.
Chapter Four
Dalton
This field, it’s meant a lot to me and Mandy. Back when Walker was little, and we just needed some time away, this is where we’d come. This is where she told me she was pregnant with the baby she lost, and this is where that child was made.
Like I said, it’s meant a lot to us.
A few miles down the road from our home, it’s been our sanctuary when things got too tough between the four walls of any room.
My hands shake when I pull my phone out of my pocket.
D: I’m at the field. Come meet me.
Honestly, I’m not sure she will. She’s been avoiding me like it’s her goddamn job lately.
M:
