“I did. I picked up my entire life, my daughter’s entire life, to leave the only home I’ve ever known and move down here on the off chance I would be able to find you. I didn’t just come for a quick visit or swing through town and hope I might stumble on you. When I decided to come down here once and for all, it was to stay so that if I did find you and was able to tell you, you would be able to have a relationship with Willa.”
“But you did stumble on me. Almost six weeks ago now.”
I drew in a breath and nodded.
“Yeah, I did. That wasn’t my plan. I didn’t expect that or go out of my way to make that happen.”
“You were there to celebrate my birthday,” Darren said, sounding slightly incredulous. “You went to the bar where you met me when I was celebrating my birthday, on my birthday, and didn’t think there was any chance you were going to run into me?”
We’d already had this conversation, but apparently it wasn’t enough to satisfy him.
“I had my birthday party at a pizza parlor one time. That doesn’t mean I go back there every year to celebrate. I told you before, you didn’t exactly look comfortable at the bar. It looked like the first time you’d ever been there.”
“Of course it was. It was my twenty-first birthday. My brother brought me there because it’s his favorite bar. It’s where everybody goes after the races and to hang out, as you very well know now,” he pointed out.
I drew in a breath, closing my eyes to try to stay calm.
“The point is, I didn’t think you would be there. If I had known, I wouldn’t have gone. That wasn’t the way I wanted this to work out. I didn’t want us to just spontaneously run into each other and have me blurt out ‘oh, by the way, you have a daughter.’ I wanted to be more diplomatic than that. But then it happened. You walked back into my life. I gave you my phone number so we could get together to talk, but that didn’t end up happening, either. What was I supposed to do, Darren? Can’t you understand what I was going through? I thought I knew how this was going to unfold. Then I found out the job I was dying to get was for your family.”
“You could have told me right then,” Darren said.
“What, as part of my interview? My name is Kelly, I have almost ten years of experience and your two-year-old daughter? I didn’t think you’d hire me, or that you’d only hire me because of her. Or worse, that you’d take Willa from me and I’d get kicked back to Quebec without my daughter.” I took a few bites of my fish and a sip of my lemonade, just trying to get my thoughts together. But no other brilliant comments came to mind. “It was fear. That’s all. That’s the only excuse I have.”
I waited for Darren to respond, but he stayed silent for far too long. His stare was intense, but I had trouble understanding the emotion behind it.
“I was right,” he finally said. “That’s bullshit.”
My hands shook hard enough to make me put down my fork, and I nodded, staring down at my feet.
“I know. But it’s…” I started.
“You’re fearless,” Darren said.
The words hit me, and my eyes snapped up to him. It felt for a second like I couldn’t breathe, like time had slowed down for an instant around us.
“What?”
“You’re fearless. You weren’t afraid to pack up your small daughter and leave your country for a place you only knew from visiting. You weren’t afraid to be alone without your family or anyone you knew just so that you could be here and try to make things right. You weren’t afraid to work in a field dominated by men and command the same respect and reverence they get. Kelly, you’re fearless. It’s something I’ve always known about you. It’s part of the reason why I left that bar with you three years ago,” he said.
I shook my head, tears starting to sting in my eyes as everything crashed down around me. The full reality of the situation was pressing in, and I struggled to control my emotions so we could have a clear, straightforward conversation.
“It’s all bluster,” I told him. “All of it. Of course I was afraid. I was afraid all the time. Of all of those things. I was absolutely terrified to leave Canada. Even though I loved Charlotte when I came here, and I always intended to come back, the thought of picking up and moving here just Willa and me was terrifying. I was scared out of my mind to think about taking Willa away from my family, to not have my sister, my parents, my friends. I didn’t know if there was any way I could do it without them. And I definitely didn’t know if I had it in me to face you. I didn’t know what you would think of me or how you would react to me telling you about Willa. And I was afraid it would all fall down around me. Can you really blame me? It’s exactly what’s happening.”
At least my voice didn’t shake. I had enough strength to stay steady and look him in the eyes when I spoke. The slightest hint of a smile flickered across Darren’s lips. It wasn’t pleasant, not a moment of happiness. More like something amused him even if he didn’t want it to.
He leaned toward me across the table. “Let’s be real. I can buy you were scared I wouldn’t react well or that I’d take her. But you’ve never even mentioned that you thought we could work out. You said you wanted to make sure Willa and I were in each other’s lives, but you never said
