“I don’t think I ever let myself think about that. It wasn’t about us. Like I said, I left that morning wishing I didn’t have to, and I missed you the entire time, but making sure Willa knew her father wasn’t about me getting a chance with you,” I told him.
“Why not?” Darren asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Why did you never let yourself think about it? Why did you never think there was a chance it could work out between us? That we could be a family?” he asked.
The words made the tears slip down my face, and I looked down, brushing them away. I didn’t really want to think about that, about the abandonment issues I thought I had outgrown years ago but that reared their head when all this happened. If I really dug deep into my head and my heart and was honest with myself, that was the root of all this. I wanted to hide it all as far down as I could and not think about it, but that wasn’t an option anymore. Hiding everything was what got me into this, and I needed to be up-front and honest.
“My parents aren’t really my parents. Well, my mother is. But the man I call my dad is not my father. I lost my father at a really young age, before I could understand it. In the years after, my mother had boyfriends, but they always left. Even when she finally found a really good guy, a man I love and think of as my dad, I didn’t really get over everything else. I’ve always had a sense of abandonment. No matter how right or wrong it is, I was afraid of having too much hope, of getting attached,” I explained.
We fell into silence and went back to eating to fill our mouths and end the need to say anything else. When we finished, I got up and started to leave, but Darren took my hand and I stopped. I looked down at our hands and then at him.
“We’ll work it out, okay?” he said. “Because even with this, I still want you. I have for three years, and this doesn’t change that.”
I was so shocked by the revelation when he pulled me in to kiss me, I couldn’t even respond.
33 Darren
Everything felt completely different the next day when I got to the compound. Instead of walking across the field toward the garage with a sense of dread and worry about seeing Kelly, I was looking forward to it. I was excited to look at her, to see her smile, and to know everything was going so well between us. Everything had changed, and I couldn’t believe it was turning out like this. I thought it was over. I thought there was no way Kelly and I were going to be able to piece everything back together, but the day before, the way she kissed me back told me more than any words she ever needed to say.
I went to her locker and set a snack inside, the way I had before everything crashed and burned. Then I went to my office and made her a cup of coffee. It felt good to be back into the same rhythm, but to have it mean even more. There was no question in my mind when I told her of my intentions that I had deep feelings for Kelly and was never going to be able to deny them so we could just be friends. I started courting her so she would know how I felt and because I wanted the beginning of whatever relationship we could have to be meaningful.
Now those feelings were more. After what we’d already been through and what was ahead of us, I was making a deeper, more intentional choice. I hoped she could see that. After what she’d told me about her father and growing up with the string of men who’d disappeared from her life and left her reeling, I wanted to be there for Kelly. I wanted to show her how much I really cared about her and how precious she was to me. It might take time to build trust and for her to really know I was there for her, but I was willing to do it.
I went into the garage and set the coffee down at her workstation before going over to my bike. I’d gotten a lot of work done the day before, but I still needed to reconstruct part of the machine and do a few upgrades I’d been planning. After my performance at the last race, it was going to be even more difficult to defend my title. That’s how it worked with every season. Other racers got even more intense and did everything they could to improve their performance and shave seconds off their time in hopes of landing a position in the top rankings. They could see their chances at making a name for themselves, earning money, and attracting the attention of potential sponsors slipping through their fingers. It meant I couldn’t get complacent. I couldn’t sit on my laurels and just expect to continue to dominate. For the next few races, I needed to be even more focused and push to stay on top.
Kelly arrived a few minutes later and picked up the coffee with a smile. She looked over at me as she took a sip, and I smiled back at her. Before I could say anything to her, Quentin came in to check on the progress of my motorcycle. I went over everything I was doing with him, and he gave me a few more orders for the custom bikes.
“These are becoming so popular we might have to hire a new team to handle the orders,” he said.
“No need to do that yet. Kelly and I can handle it,” I told him.
I noticed
