“We have to be enough.”
We’re all she has now.
Mila is unsarcastically quiet as I make two strong coffees.
“What do we do now?” she finally asks.
“I wish I knew. All we can do is follow her lead and let her grieve.”
“And if she wants us to take a step back? She didn’t even tell us about her dad. What if she wants to shut us out again?”
“I don’t think she will. We know everything now.”
“I won’t go anywhere,” she says with a defiant glint to her eyes.
Smiling, I reply, “I bloody know.”
“How are you doing? You tried CPR, right?”
I swallow, knowing the memory will haunt me for a long time. “I tried. I did everything the operator told me.”
“You, like, dealing with that okay?”
I frown. “What?”
“You had to perform CPR to try and save a person’s life, Spencer.”
I know it’s probably something that can fuck you up, but besides being shaken and feeling inadequate, I’m doing all right.
“It’s not an experience I want to live again, but I’m okay. Really.”
In comparison to what my girl is going through…
“Good. Did you sleep much last night?”
I shake my head. “Neither of us did. We sat with my parents until three a.m., and then laid in bed. I drifted on and off, gave up a couple hours later, and came downstairs. Indie was finally sleeping soundly.”
“You look awful. Do you want to sleep now?”
“Thank you,” I mutter. This girl holds no punches. “No, I want to be awake when she gets up.”
“You’ll be in the same bed as her.” Her eyes narrow. “Are you getting nightmares?”
“What?” I rub my eyes. “Mila, I’m not afraid of going to sleep.”
“All right, I was just asking.”
“Hi, Mila,” Indie says softly.
We both look up to see her watching us with a gentle smile and sad eyes.
Forty-Nine
Indie
They both look up when they hear my voice. Mila’s whiskey eyes widen, and she leaps up from her seat. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her move so quickly. Not since the time when the cute bar tender said the first five people to reach him got a free shot. She was the first.
“Indie.” She rushes towards me so fast, I brace for a collision, but she slows just enough before she barrels into me. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, holding her tightly.
Sympathy feels the same as wearing an itchy knitted jumper.
Soon the media will know about my mum’s suicide, too. It will get even worse. I’m going to be Spencer’s girl with two dead parents. They don’t learn. They won’t go easy on the next person they slate.
Mila pulls away, holding me out at arm’s length. “Stupid question, but how are you doing?”
“I’m trying to stay… I don’t know…. positive doesn’t sound right.”
My stomach and throat are sore from crying but I’m okay.
She drops her arms. “What can I do?”
“You could come and sit on the sofa with me. Watch shitty, daytime TV?”
“I’m all over that one. Let’s go.”
As I’m being dragged away, she tells Spencer to get some sleep. I look over my shoulder and nod in agreement. He gives me a warm smile and winks.
I’m not sure if that means he will or not, but I hope he does. He hasn’t left me alone for a second, nor has he slept much. When Dad died, I wanted him far away. Now I can’t seem to keep him close enough. I’m trying to not be a hysterical girlfriend by refusing to let him move more than an inch away. The least I can do is chill with Mila for a couple of hours while he catches up on some sleep.
“This morning, I heard Spencer on the phone,” I say as we curl up together on the sofa. “He thought I was asleep and called his agent.”
“About keeping this out of the media?”
I nod.
“Do you think it will work?” she asks.
“That would be really nice, but I think they’ll find out. They always do.”
“Does that bother you?”
Her response tells me that she’s come to the same conclusion as I have. Maybe Spencer should just leave it and let them print whatever they want. It’ll be news for a month, tops. Then it’ll only come up occasionally.
Perhaps I should send him out for a naked run. The news of my parents will soon be forgotten.
“No, I don’t think it does bother me anymore. The only thing I care about is that, for a while, people will continuously talk about it.”
Mila turns her nose up. “People are arseholes.”
“They can be. It’s just right on top of Dad and…”
I stop and swallow the lump in my throat. Keep it together. Last night, I cried so much, I’m surprised there’s anything left. I’m exhausted and confused. It still doesn’t make sense how fast she went down. Has she always wanted to go with Dad? I can’t help thinking her plans for a new life were fake. She was telling me what I wanted to hear when all she wanted to really do was leave. I’m not sure, though, she left no note. That means it all happened at once and she didn’t think… or she didn’t care enough to leave me a goodbye.
“Oh, Indie,” Mila says, covering my hand with hers. “It’s going to be all right. You have us, and you’ll never get rid.”
I smile at the thought of even trying to get Mila to leave me alone. “I wish others would think before they put so much hate on the fucking internet.”
Maybe if that hadn’t happened, Mum would have kept fighting. If she had a taste of that new life or even enrolled in the course she was considering, she might have stayed.
“You’re going to get through this.”
There is no alternative. I have Spence, his parents, and my friends. I will be all right, it just sucks that it has to be this way.
Who will give me
