Cap starts him light the way he did me. “Where’s Brimstone?” he asks.
“Slacking in his workouts for wedding week,” Brady says with a husky laugh as his feet hit the treadmill a little faster. “But as someone who is staying in the same house as them, don’t worry, Sami is working him out plenty. He’s been rage pacing for days.”
We all laugh.
“Speaking of rage, you bang that ginger last night?” Brady asks. “I saw you talking to her at the end of the night.”
“He’s talking an awful lot for someone working out, Cap. It’s clearly not going fast enough.” I point at the treadmill and start my stretches. “Speaking of the ginger, Cap, how do you know her?”
“Not my story to tell,” he says flatly, meaning he won’t. Cap’s a gentleman, but I assume there’s some dirty puck bunny story behind it. Hence the reason she got so weird about me calling her one. “But her brother’s band is awesome. You know, Twin Peeks.”
“Yeah, they’re cool. I saw them on Saturday Night Live. They’re funny. She doesn’t seem like the kind of girl who has a funny brother like that.”
“Maybe she’s playing hard to get.” Brady will never let his weird obsession with Jenny go.
“I don’t think that’s a thing, bro,” I reply sarcastically.
“I agree,” Cap adds. “Girls are either into ya or they’re not, and she is not into you, Lori. Every time she looks at you, her eye twitches.”
“Hard to get is so a thing. Sami played it with Matt forever. I thought he’d die from exposure, he iced his nuts so much.”
We all laugh.
“Well, I’m neither a fan of icy nuts nor girls who play games. So the redhead is not going to happen. Sorry, man.” I switch legs as Matt enters the gym. He’s got that crankiness in his eyes. “But speaking of icing nuts, how’s it going, Brimstone?”
“Never get married,” Matt grunts and walks to the other treadmill to warm up.
“What stage are you at? The ‘we can’t have sex before the wedding even though we already have a kid,’ or the ‘should we even be getting married if we can’t agree on anything’?” Cap asks as he turns up the treadmill for Brady.
“A little of column A and a little of column B.” Matt sounds bitter. “She’s making me crazy. I swear to God, I’m losing it. I thought we would get here and she’d chill out. But that Princess and the Pauper nonsense is killing me.”
“Ah, you’ll be fine.” Cap slaps him on the back and turns back to Brady, bringing more heat on the speed. “Once this is over, it’ll be back to normal.”
“Don’t threaten me with that.” Matt laughs. “It’s just this whole influencer gig is making me want to smash things. I can’t take a shit without Geoff the camera guy in my grill. They’re all over us. Filming everything. We’re living when the camera is on and zoned out when it’s off. Like living for posing for pictures. Getting married is stressful enough, adding cameras, film crews, and Sami is like tossing water on an oil fire.”
I feel sorry for the guy. On a good day, I can’t handle Sami constantly working her brand. And this is clearly not a good day.
“Did you tell her about paintball yet? I told everyone we should meet there for one,” Brady says, sounding as if he’s getting winded.
“No, we’re not paintballing. My redneck cousins are doing it, but if someone in the wedding party gets injured or bruised, Sami will lose her—”
“Bro!” Brady pauses the machine. “She’s goners, my dude. The girl’s mind is lost. She can’t get more annoying and she’s dragged Nat right down to crazy town with her.” He walks off the treadmill and hits Matt’s machine, stopping it. “So pop your balls back out and stop being a little bitch.”
“Watch it,” Matt warns.
Brady laughs. “Or what? You’ll ask Sami if we can fight in the yard?”
I stifle a laugh as Cap steps closer, ready to hit pause on the two of them as they huff and glare at each other.
“No, man, it’s the last couple of days before you get married. This isn’t like getting strippers to rub their coochies all over your face. It’s paintball.” He hits Matt in the balls with a little swat. “Buck up, Nancy. We’re fucking paintballing and we won’t tell Sami. It’s need to know and none of the girls need to know.” He hops back on the treadmill and starts running again. “I refuse to turn down a challenge from the hillbillies.”
Matt glares.
“He has a point. It’s just paintball, buds. A friendly game between us and your cousins.” I try to smooth over Brady’s typical crassness. “And if Sami is stressing you out that badly, maybe we can help out more. Is there anything we can do?” I ask, not actually wanting to do more, but I’m good at putting on the face.
“Yeah, man. We’re all here for you,” Cap adds.
Matt takes a deep breath before starting up his machine again. “We’ll never get away with it. Sami doesn’t want to go to the spa now. She’s freaking out about some butterflies that won’t be arriving in time. If she doesn’t go to the spa, how will we sneak off and paintball?”
“Lori, you’re the Sami whisperer,” Brady manages to say. “You should pull the little-brother act and convince her to relax so Matt can stop tiptoeing around. Get her to go to the spa.”
They all turn to me.
“Okay,” I agree. Taking one for the team is my thing anyway.
“Honestly, I don’t get women, man,” Matt says, slowing down the treadmill. “We planned and paid to have a relaxing experience here, where every single thing is thought of and our every whim is catered to, and she’s still acting like she’s planning.” Matt continues, “This morning I told her if she wasn’t done planning by now, maybe she should consider it too late to fix whatever isn’t
