„Wait a minute, if they`re interested in us, why don`t they make a move ?”
„Yeah, why?” Both of us are looking at her like she has all the answers to all the questions man has ever had, and she`s clearly getting a kick out of it.
„Well, my dears, you see, men are, for the most part, emotionally constipated.”
„That would explain all the frowning,” I say, nodding my head because it`s all starting to make sense.
„Exactly. I don't know Sam, so I don`t know why he`s friend-zoned Gwen, but I do know Max, and I know how much he hates change. He saw you as a friend, and now he sees you as more, and it`s confusing him.”
Gwen starts to say something, but she`s interrupted by a guy coming up to our table.
„Hello, ladies. I`m sorry to interrupt you, but I was wondering if you`d like to join me and my friends for a drink.” He points to a table were two other guys are sitting, and when they see us looking over at them, they smile and give us chin nods.
„My name is Derek, by the way.”
He`s cute in a boy-next-door sort of way, and he seems nice enough.
„Can I ask you a question, Derek?” I ask, and thankfully, my voice is steady.
„Sure”
His smile is nice, and it does absolutely nothing for me.
„Are you emotionally constipated?”
All three of us look at him, waiting for his answer, but he seems to be at a loss for words. After a minute, he manages to say, „What?”
„She asked if you`re emotionally constipated” Ema helpfully repeats my question.
„I`m not sure what you mean...” he`s looking at his friends like he`s asking for help, but they don`t seem inclined to come to his rescue.
„Are you comfortable with your feelings, or do you tend to keep everything in? Do you see yourself in a serious relationship where you communicate with your partner?”
„Listen, I just wanted to ask you girls if you wanted to hang out, that`s all.”
I nod with a disappointed sigh, and both Gwen and Ema shake their heads equally frustrated.
„I see that you are constipated. That`s a shame.”
„Hey, I'm not constipated!”
He`s a bit loud, so he attracts a few stares from the people at the table next to us.
„Oh, she didn`t mean you can`t...” Ema seems to be looking for a word again, but the poor thing isn`t sober enough to be elegant, so she finally says, „...poop. She means emotionally constipated, not poop constipated.”
Derek looks at us like we`re evil personified, and it may be because of the lighting in this place, but I think he`s blushing.
„Right, well, I'm just going to assume you don`t want to join my friends and me, so I won`t bother you anymore. Have a nice night.”
He`s gone so fast that if he were a cartoon character, he`d be leaving smoke behind.
„Well, that settles that. Constipation is sweeping the nation” I say
We all toast to that, and because we`re drunk, we don`t think that`s weird at all. Good times.
Max
For the first time in over a month, I'm not enjoying my meal.
The mousaka is fantastic, of course, but I can`t help thinking about what Sophie`s doing. Simon isn`t any happier, so we`re just eating on the couch, absently watching a game.
„How long do you think they`ll be? It`s kind of late.”
Simon tries to sound nonchalant, but we`ve known each other for the past eight years so that shit`s not flying. Why he won`t admit to his feelings for my sister I'll never understand. Some guys are just in denial, I guess.
„It is kind of late. Not that I'm keeping tabs or anything, just friendly concern,” I say, trying to act as cool as possible.
„And brotherly, too, I would imagine.”
„Oh yeah, that too.”
My phone rings, and I'm a bit embarrassed by how quickly I lunge for it, but when I look at the screen, I see it`s not Sophie but a number I don`t know.
„Hello”
„Hey, this is Sam Grant. Sophie`s brother.”
„Did something happen? Is Sophie, ok?”
„Nothing happened that I know of, but it`s late, and Gwen hasn`t called me yet. I take it by your reaction that Sophie hasn`t come back either?”
„No, she hasn`t.”
„Do you happen to know the name of the bar that they`re at? Gwen wouldn`t tell me.”
„It`s called Henry`s. I'll text you the exact address.”
„I would appreciate it. I`m going to see what they`re up to and make sure they`re safe. Gwen is a lightweight, and I don`t want any asshole taking advantage of her.”
„That`s a great idea; I'm coming too. Sophie`s cranky when she`s tired, and it`s way past her usual bedtime.”
Any other day I'm sure he would have found my comment strange, but he`s distracted at the moment, so I get away with it.
„Ok, I'll see you there.”
I hang up and text him the address and then turn to Simon, fully expecting to get roasted for my bedtime comment, but he`s already putting on his jacket and getting his car keys.
„I`m going too. I`ll take Ema home so you won`t have to handle both of them.”
Yes, I'm sure that`s precisely why he wants to take her home, to do me a favor — so much denial. I`m so glad I'm not like that.
◆◆◆
The ride to Henry`s takes about twenty minutes. Simon pulls up right behind me, and just as we`re about to go in, I hear someone call my name. It`s Sophie`s brother, and he looks pissed.
I introduce him to Simon, and we all go in together. We get quite a few looks, but we`re all focused on our targets.
They`re sitting at a table in the back, and it`s obvious they`re drunk because they`re giggling like crazy and are utterly oblivious to everyone staring at us while we advance towards their table.
„And then he says I don`t know who`s goat is that, I thought it was my wife.”
All of them start laughing like crazy at what seems to be a terrible joke told by my sister.
