“Yeah, it was a lot of fun. I’ll have to thank Kate for talking me into going,” Theo replied. “I just thought of something. I don’t even know your surname.”
“Oh, I don’t know, do I even have a surname?”
Theo let out a boisterous chuckle. “Of course you do unless you’re like a famous diva and only go by Jillian.”
“Oh!” I finally caught on that surname was the same as last name. “It’s O’Rourke. Well, actually O’Rourke was my husband’s last name. My maiden name was Lawrence.” It had been so long since I went by Lawrence, it almost sounded weird to hear my name paired with it. “So, I’m assuming since Kate’s last…I mean surname is Sutton, then yours is too?”
“That would be correct.” He stopped and peered out at the water just as there was a little break in the fog. We stood in silence for a few seconds before Theo began to speak again. “So, Jillian Lawrence O’Rourke, how did your husband pass away?”
I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol he had consumed over the past few hours or if he was reaching a new level of comfort with me that gave him the courage to ask that question.
“He was in a car accident.” My reply came off my lips with such ease, which had me questioning my newfound courage in answering him. Was it all of the beer I had drunk or was I feeling much more at ease with him as well?
“Wow. That had to have been awful for you.”
“It was. It still is.” The familiar painful lump began to ball up in my throat, but I willed myself to continue. “We weren’t exactly in a good place when…” I sucked in a deep breath. “When he died. We were separated.” I turned to face him, only making out his features slightly in the darkness. “I was actually supposed to be on this trip with him, believe it or not. We had always talked about doing it for years. We planned it over a year ago, perhaps thinking it would fix us. But the truth was I think we were broken beyond repair, a long while before that.” The first teardrop rolled down my face, burning my freezing cold skin. “I’m so sorry. I’m sure the last thing you feel like listening to is me blubbering on about my life.” I wiped my face dry with the back of my gloved hand.
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to listen.” He took my other hand in his and I was shrouded in warmth and strength. A strength to speak about Evan and that night. A night I had wanted to tuck away and forget…until now. I closed my eyes, remembering the pain in his eyes. The last thing about him that would be imbedded in my memory forever.
“Jillian, I have so much to say to you, but the one thing I need you to know is that I love you more than anything in this world and these past few months of being without you…they made me realize how much I need you. I want to try to make this work. I don’t care about having kids. Can we just be happy with being a family of two? Just me and you?”
It had been the first time since we had separated that Evan had ever opened up and told me how he was really feeling. He was always so busy with work that I had become an afterthought. He reeked of alcohol and I knew that it had a lot to do with his admission. “I…I—” He stopped my words by pressing his lips against mine and kissing me in a way I hadn’t experienced since our early years of marriage.
“Evan, stop!” I pulled away. “This isn’t really you talking. It’s the alcohol. You’re going to wake up tomorrow and feel differently.”
“No, I won’t. Don’t you get it? I love you. I don’t want to lose you.”
I loved him too with everything I had, but he had already lost me, and as much as I wanted him to find me again, I wasn’t sure if that would be possible. “I love you too, but I also need to be honest with you.” I swallowed hard, choosing my words carefully, debating my own sanity for getting ready to speak them, but I couldn’t keep it inside any longer. My guilt was eating away at me. “Evan, I—I slept with someone else.” The hope that was in his glassy eyes morphed into sadness, then pain, finally stopping at anger. “I’m so sorry. After I lost the baby, I needed you here. I needed to know that it was going to be okay, and you took off and went on your stupid business trip like it was no big deal.” I went to take his hand and he yanked it away. “I’m not making excuses for what I did. I’m not. But I guess I was just so angry at you for acting as if it was nothing.”
“So, you wanted to punish me?” He raised his voice.
“No,” I replied even though I knew that maybe there was a little truth to that.
He shook his head and took a few steps back. “I was stupid for coming here tonight to tell you how I felt. So stupid!”
“Evan, please don’t leave. Stay here tonight. Don’t drive like this. Please,” I begged. “We’ll talk about this tomorrow and—”
“There’s nothing to talk about! You
