“I’ve just been holding it all in for so long. I try my hardest to stay positive for her. Some days, I think I’m doing fairly well, and then there are times like these where I feel as if I’m just ready to give up along with her.”
I knew those feelings all too well, trying so desperately to hold it together when all you wanted to do was fall apart. “One day at a time.” I reverted back to my old adage. “That’s all you can do. She’ll have good days and bad days, be there for her for both. Celebrate her good days, and be a shoulder to cry on during the bad ones.”
“But each day we’re getting through is one less day I may have her in my life,” he murmured.
“You can’t think like that. I know it’s hard, but you can’t. Focus on the quality of time you have with her, not the quantity.”
“Jillian, thank you so much for listening. I’m so sorry to unload on you like this. Kate didn’t want anyone to know.”
“And you have my word, I won’t say anything to her.”
“Thank you,” Theo mouthed the words, as a break in the fog lit up his features, outlining his red-rimmed eyes.
“Anytime,” I whispered back, wondering if he had felt that same strong sense of affinity pass between us that I had in that moment.
CHAPTER 9
CHRISTMAS HAD COME and gone, and my mind was still in vacation mode. It had been almost a month since I had returned, and I still couldn’t stop thinking about the beautiful places I had seen and all the wonderful people I had met. I had lunch with DeAndre during the week between Christmas and New Year, and I had been keeping in touch with Kate and Theo via email and Facebook. I had quite a few video chats with Kate since I had returned home, and she hadn’t mentioned a word to me about her cancer. It was only through Theo that I had been kept up to date on her condition. The few times I spoke to him, I could hear the pain in his voice, and it tore me apart inside as well.
I got to meet Thomas through the screen of my laptop. He was a rambunctious, adorable toddler, so full of life and so unaware of what was happening to the person who loved him most. I wondered if Kate would tell his father about him now, given her condition. I wanted to be there for her, to offer support, but I wouldn’t break my word to Theo by letting on that I knew anything. I figured when and if she wanted me to know, then she would tell me.
I sat in my office, looking at the calendar. January, the longest, dreariest month of the year under normal circumstances, and this year it would be even worse. My mind was still heavily weighed down with thoughts of Evan as well as my budding friendship with Kate and my genuine concern for her. As I grabbed the framed photo of Evan and me sitting on my desk, I pulled it closer, remembering the day it was taken so vividly in my mind.
“Surprise!” everyone shouted as Evan walked through the front door. I had spent the entire morning cooking, baking, and decorating while Evan’s friend kept him busy golfing to keep him out of the house.
Evan’s face reddened. He hated being the center of attention. “Wow! This certainly is a surprise.” He smiled. He greeted everyone as he made his way in while I ran around the kitchen, making sure all the food was just so. I was arranging my homemade mini quiches on the platter when Evan finally made his way to me. I jumped when he wrapped his arm around my waist. “You know I’m gonna get you back for this,” he whispered, lifting my hair and pressing his lips on my neck.
“Well, you only turn thirty once!” I turned around and moved a stray piece of his hair from his forehead, then kissed him on the lips just as his mother snapped a picture of us.
As I stared at that photo in my hand, I shook my head. That was the beginning of the end. Once I had turned thirty, three months later, my want to have a child became greater. It turned in from the mindset of if it happens it happens to an obsession.
I raised my head at the light tap on my office door. “Jonathan,” I whispered, clumsily putting the photo back in its place on my desk. My face heated, laying eyes on him for the first time since I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Jonathan Schroeder was one of the agency’s top clients and the man I slept with at the lowest point of my life. Jonathan wasn’t a bad person. I was. I didn’t blame him for the mistake I had made. He had been someone to confide in. Someone who I felt comfortable talking to about my problems. Did he take advantage of the state of mind I was in? Absolutely. But I could’ve have stopped it from happening at any time.
His hands were in his pockets as he took a few wary steps inside my office. “It’s been a while. How have you been?”
I
