CHAPTER 16
THE NEXT FEW days flew by. Kate decided she wanted to keep her birthday low-key, celebrating at home with only Thomas, Theo, Anna, and me. She was going for her treatments each morning and she’d come home weaker and weaker with each one. I looked after Thomas while she was gone, freeing up Anna to drive Kate on the days Theo had to be in the office.
The beautiful sunny afternoon was being overtaken by the looming dark clouds overhead as Thomas and I played with his toy trucks in the backyard. I was amazed at how much fun playing in the dirt could actually be. I gasped and placed my hand over my heart when I looked up to find Theo standing over top of us.
“I didn’t even hear you approaching.”
His shoulders were slouched, his eyes red, and his face long and drawn. I knew in an instant that something was wrong. Anna came out and collected Thomas to get cleaned up for dinner while I remained sitting on the ground staring up at Theo.
“Everything okay?” I asked, even though I clearly knew it wasn’t.
He shook his head and kept his hands in his pockets, jingling around some loose change. I stood up and brushed the dirt off the back of my pants, before we wandered over to the garden area, taking a seat on the wrought iron bench. He was silent for a moment, and when he spoke, his voice was in a defeated whisper. “Kate’s decided she’s stopping treatments.”
These treatments were the last thread of hope that Theo was holding on to for his sister. But as an outsider looking in, I could see that they were only making her sicker, basically doing her more harm than good at this point. I think Kate had finally accepted her fate and wanted to live what time she had left without being used as a pin cushion for the poison they were injecting into her body. I admired her bravery in reaching that decision, but at the same time, my heart broke for Theo because of it. I wasn’t sure of what to say to alleviate the pain he was feeling. I remembered after Evan had died, people would try their best to offer me comfort with clichéd words that were normally spoken after someone lost a loved one. None of them helped, and I was certain there were no words that would help get Theo through how he was feeling either. When the first tears spilled from his eyes simultaneously with the raindrops from the clouds overhead, I knew no words were needed. Instead, I wrapped my arm around him, lending my shoulder for him to cry upon, hoping in some small way that I was able to take away some of the pain he was feeling.
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Kate came down for dinner, basically moving the food around on her plate instead of putting any into her mouth. Theo didn’t eat with us. He said he had to run home to do some things, but he’d be back later. Part of me wondered if it was because it hurt him too much to look at Kate, knowing now that it truly was just a matter of time. Anna had taken Thomas upstairs to give him a bath, leaving Kate and me alone at the table together.
“Did Theo tell you?” she asked, as I started to stand up to clear the dishes. The pain in her eyes mirrored that of her brother’s just a few hours ago.
“He did,” I replied, sitting back down, giving her my full attention.
“I’m not a quitter, I just know when to stop.” She looked up at the ceiling, as if she was trying to keep her emotions in check before finally settling her eyes back on me. “You know, it’s like when you watch a good movie, and then they ruin it by making a sequel, trying to make the magic last longer, when the original is just perfect on its own. I’ve had a good life. I wish it could’ve been longer, but I don’t want to end it being pumped with chemo, just to have a little extra time. In the end it will only yield the same outcome, leaving me a lot worse for the wear. I love my son and I love my brother, and I don’t want to leave them. I just wish I didn’t have to decide between sparing their feelings or my own, but I’ve come to terms that I don’t have a choice in the matter.”
I hated that she felt like she needed to justify her choice to anyone, especially me.
“So, you’re at peace with your decision?”
“I am.” She nodded, picking up the napkin on the table and dabbing her eyes.
“Then that’s all that matters. You’re choosing quality over quantity, and I admire your bravery in doing that so much.”
She let out an excruciating sob. I rushed out of my chair and knelt beside her.
“I feel like I’m letting Theo and Thomas down.” She cried.
I rested my one hand on her thigh while rubbing her back with my other hand, trying my hardest to console her. “You are doing what you feel is best within your heart, and no one can fault you for that.”
“You’re an angel, Jillian. You truly are.” She reached over and embraced me tightly, and I allowed myself to be her harbor in the darkness just like I had been for Theo earlier.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine all the thoughts running rampant through her mind. Fear of not knowing what awaited her. Sadness over forcibly leaving the ones she loved behind, and anger for being dealt the hand she was given. But through it all she was handling
