I was leaving in a few days, so what little help I had been to him would be gone, and unfortunately, I was fairly certain it was only going to get worse. As hard as it was going to be, he needed to pull it together, for Kate’s sake, for Thomas’ sake, and for his own. I led him into the guest room.
“I want you to sleep in here tonight. I’ll sleep on the couch. You need to get a good night’s rest. You can’t keep going on like this or you’re going to get sick and where will that leave Kate?”
I reached down on the bed to grab a pillow to take downstairs to the couch, when he took me off guard, grabbing my arm and pulling me into his broad chest. His lips crashed down on mine, engulfing my mouth with his. I struggled for air for a quick second before my breathing returned to a normal pace, matching his.
We fell to the bed, and as much as everything inside of me was telling me it was wrong, it was equally telling me that it was right. My body was awakening from an endless slumber, by someone I trusted more than anyone. His gentle hands moved under my shirt, caressing the curve of my breast as his lips trailed down my neck. I wanted to protest. I wanted to end it before it began, knowing this would change who we were to each other forever, but I was paralyzed to do so. My body molded into him, allowing whatever was going to happen to happen until Theo backed away abruptly.
Working through his labored breaths, he took my face in his hands and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Jillian.”
I shook my head with tears burning my eyes as a gamut of emotions began to rush through me. Guilt for feeling the same intense emotional connection to another man that I had for Evan and fear of losing Theo as a friend because of it. I couldn’t hold my feelings back anymore as the tears spilled onto his chest.
“Don’t cry. Please don’t cry,” he begged.
“I’m sorry, it’s just—”
He placed his finger over my lip to stop me from talking. “Don’t say you’re sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. I was the one who took advantage of the situation because the truth is everything inside of me is wanting you right now, but I know it’s wrong. You won’t know if I’m doing this because I’m feeling sadder than I ever had in my life and just need someone, and I won’t know if you’re doing it just because you’re taking pity on me. I can’t lose you too, Jillian. You’ve become too good of a friend to me to risk that. You have a huge piece of my heart, but for right now, I have to keep my head about me.”
Leave it to Theo to sum up exactly how I was feeling without having to render the words myself. As good as it felt to have that closeness with him in that way, it wasn’t worth what we were jeopardizing in doing so. I didn’t want us to end up regretting it after and then resenting each other because of it.
“Thank you for entrusting me with that piece of your heart. I promise I’ll always take good care of it.” I raised my head and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. “Good night, Theo.” I sat up and grabbed my pillow, continuing with my original plan of sleeping on the couch.
“Can you…can I just hold you all night?”
I gazed down at his long lashes and the somber expression on his face accentuated by the light of the full moon outside the bedroom window, and I couldn’t say no. I put the pillow back in its place and lay back down beside him. He pulled me closer, and I rested my head on his chest with his heartbeat providing a soothing lullaby. I felt so safe and at ease with his strong, muscular arms wrapped around me, that it wasn’t too long before I was lulled into a deep and peaceful sleep.
The rain was beating against the window when I sat up in bed, wondering if last night was a dream. Once I had awoken a little more, I realized it wasn’t. Theo was no longer lying beside me as I grabbed the pillow where his head had been and squeezed it tightly. I closed my eyes, replaying what it felt like to have his hands wandering my body and his lips pressed against mine. I was angry at myself for allowing it to happen, and even angrier because I had enjoyed it. I would have let it go even further if Theo hadn’t put the brakes on it.
Everything I told myself I wasn’t going let to happen, I did. I only hoped Theo wasn’t beating himself up over it as well. The last thing he needed was to worry about me when he had a million other things rattling around in his mind. Was there a chance that he wouldn’t even remember? He had a lot to drink. He was an emotional wreck. It was quite possible. Just like it was quite possible that what he said was true, it was his state of mind that took over last night and not any deep-seated feelings he had for me. But I knew my response to him wasn’t pity. I was feeling something in that moment that
