“How did you know that?” I asked.
Her face reddened and I sensed the unease on her face. “Evan was here on a business trip once, and he said he had to get back before the Fourth of July to his Jilly Doody Dandy because it was her birthday.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and then fought the burning sensation in my eyes.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Kate reached over and grabbed my hand.
“No. It’s fine.” I shook my head.
“I propose we celebrate both on the thirtieth of May, instead,” Kate said. Theo caught my gaze, both of us knowing why she was pushing up the date, which was only five days away.
“That sounds like a plan!” I put on my best smile as if everything about the idea was perfectly normal. “I suppose we’ll have a hard time finding Fourth of July items here,” I joked. Kate laughed, but Theo’s expression was blank, as if he was still taking it all in. “I promise, we’ll make it happen.” I continued being the cheerleader Kate needed in this bittersweet situation.
“Thanks, Jillian.” Kate squeezed my hand and smiled.
_______________
Theo had been out of it all night. I didn’t want to draw attention to it in front of Kate, but when she went up to bed, I finally addressed it. “What’s going on?” I asked, taking a seat next to him on the couch.
“Why did she pick that date?” He turned his head and looked at me with tears in his eyes.
“I-I…really don’t know.”
“They say when an animal is getting ready to die, they can sense it ahead of time. Do you think that applies to people as well?” That was such a hard question for me to answer. I didn’t want to upset Theo, but the reality was, I truly believed Kate knew it was almost time, and she had accepted it.
“Maybe,” I whispered. He squeezed his eyes shut, and I rubbed his arm gently. “Theo, if she’s at peace with this, then you should be too. I know every single solitary thing about it sucks, but it’s out of our control now. The only thing we can control is making the time she has left all that she wants it to be.”
“I’m not ready to let her go.” Theo’s voice cracked into a sob. He buried his head into my shoulder, and his body trembled. It was in that moment that I realized maybe it was actually harder for the loved ones to be at peace with the death than the actual person dying. When Evan died, I didn’t have time to ponder it. Instead I was hit in the face full-force with the pain of it all at once. Would it have been easier to have known it was coming? I kissed the top of Theo’s head and pulled him closer as he let everything sink in and prepared for the inevitable.
Thomas’ cries came over the baby monitor, breaking up the dead silence and causing us both to jump. I motioned for Theo to sit back down when he hopped to his feet at the sound of him. Instead, I headed up the stairs and entered his room. He was standing in his crib, clutching his blanket with tears streaming down his face. Had he sensed what was going on too?
“What’s the matter?” I asked, lifting him from his crib and bouncing him up and down. He let out a little moan and then a sniffle. I took him over to the rocking chair and sat down with him on my lap. “Do you know what a lucky little boy you are, Thomas? You have such a great mommy and your daddy was so special. He would’ve loved you so much.” I kissed the top of his head and sucked in his scent, feeling like I could never get enough of it. “And your uncle Theo, well…he’s just the best.”
“Tee,” Thomas whispered, looking up at me with his tear-filled eyes.
“Yes, Tee loves you so, so much, and I love you too.”
“Gee.” He babbled and pointed to me. My face stretched into a huge smile. It was the first time he had said my name or at least tried to. “Yes, Gee loves you so very much too.”
He pressed his head into my chest, and I pulled him closer, rocking him back and forth. This beautiful little boy was a part of three people who meant so much to me. Having him here in my arms was as if I was hugging all three of them at once. I closed my eyes, listening to the steady rhythm of his breaths, with my mind and body becoming more relaxed with each one he took.
“Jillian,” Theo whispered in my ear. I raised my head, trying to get my bearings straight. I gasped once I realized where I was and not seeing Thomas on my lap. “I put him back to bed,” Theo explained, alleviating my panic, but seeming to get a little amusement over it himself. It was nice to see him smile for the first time all night. “Come on, let’s go to sleep.”
He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the chair. I stopped at Thomas’ crib and watched him sleeping so peacefully. Theo put his arm around me and joined me. Just like Thomas, he seemed to be so much more at ease than he had been earlier. I rested by head in Theo’s chest, neither one of us taking our eyes from Thomas. Was I foolish for wondering if this was a glimpse of the future? A future that Theo and I never discussed, but a future I was yearning for more and more each day.
CHAPTER 27
THE 30TH OF May had arrived and Kate’s wish had been granted. The nurse who’d been taking care of her advised against it, saying that Kate
