I chuckle to myself because I can’t feel my lips any longer. That is probably a sign I should chill with the alcohol, but I have no chill. I need to keep going until my insides are just as numb, and I can’t feel the continuously growing ache in my chest. I’m not even sure it’ll work, but I’m desperate for it. Anything to numb the pain. Anything to numb the truth of how I failed her.
Kenny from the convenience store, a guy that turns a blind eye sometimes because we let him reminisce his high school days with us, hooked me up with a fifth of cheap whiskey. I didn’t care what poison I got as long as it did its job. Except it hasn’t, which is why I’m now following the two very wiggly, very blurry yellow lines right back to the same store for my next poison.
I reach in my pocket for my phone. I’d turned it off at some point because the constant, annoying buzzing was driving me crazy. Between Jade and Cason, they were keeping it lit up like a Fourth of July fireworks display. The road is starting to spin and it’s dark out—so dark that I can’t actually see more than three feet in front of me. I power it back on very carefully, my fat finger sliding off the button several times before I’m successful. When it finally comes on, the dinging and flashing from all the notifications assaults my senses and makes it impossible to get to the flashlight, so I just use the bright phone screen to light the way.
Jesus. They don’t have any chill either. Maybe they need to go see Kenny too.
I laugh. But that moment doesn’t last long—a searing pain rips through my chest. It’s the same sharp pain I’ve felt since the night she went missing. And she was right under my nose, just two blocks from home. From the bed that we share. I failed her, I failed her mother, and I failed my family. I failed everyone who’s ever counted on me, who relied on me. I failed at being the man they needed. The knowledge stabs at the open wounds left by her disappearance. How I can hurt this much and still be alive? It just doesn’t make sense to me.
I round a corner, and the lights from the store come into view. It’s suddenly so bright that I stumble with one eye open trying to minimize the pain the light creates behind my eyes. No. No, a headache means that I’m losing my buzz, and I can’t let that happen. I don’t want to feel anything. I need my buzz to stay, to keep me numb. I need to drink more.
I stumble up to the store, concentrating only on getting to the door. The world is spinning, so my focus is zeroed in on it. Because right now, making it from point A to point B seems to be an issue.
“Yo, is that big bad Callaway?” A face appears in my view, and I try to stumble around it. I have to get to the door. “Yo dude, where you going?”
I look up. I think I might know him, but his face won’t stop spinning long enough for me to tell. I keep walking, trying really hard to get to that door. The door that will numb it all.
“Woah, now. Where is your sidekick?” he asks as he steps into my view again.
“Go away. I need to get to the door,” I slur. I bat at him and try to push around him.
“Nah, man. You aren’t going anywhere.” Suddenly I’m moving, flying into the air, and I hit the hard ground with a loud smack. It didn’t hurt . . . enough. I don’t think anything could hurt worse than my chest.
“Ain’t big and bad now without your crew, huh?” the guy spits out as he kicks my face. I taste the blood before I feel it ooze into my mouth.
I start laughing. The pain in my face took the edge off. I roll onto my back. “Do it again.”
The request makes him pause. “The fuck? Are you asking for me to kick you again? Are you fucking crazy?”
Tires squeal and I hear my name being called out. “Touch him again I’ll pound your face into concrete this time.”
Is that Cason? What is he doing here? I need another drink. I really need another drink . . .
“Nah, your dude came up here on his own. I ain’t got to do nothing. Ya feel me?”
“Enough, Ty.” Another voice interrupts in the slew of voices that I’m losing track of. “Get back.”
“The fuck? Him and his crew need to pay. His girl is the one who smashed you with a pipe!”
“I said enough.” Jax’s face replaces the view of the swirling night sky.
“Jax, ol’ buddy. You came to play too?” I ask. “Kick me again, and I’ll buy you a drink. Kenny’s working.”
“The fuck is wrong with your boy? Is he drunk?” Jax asks Cason. “Y’all got five minutes to get him out of here before I let Ty loose.”
I feel arms reach under my armpits and lift me to my feet. I rock a little, trying to focus on anything. Cason voice is in my ear as I lean into him, “Can you at least try to help me out here? Shit, now I know how you’ve felt all these years dragging my drunk ass around.”
“Payback is a bitch,” I laugh. “I need to go inside. Kenny has something for me.”
“Fuck that, dude. You’ve had enough. Besides, Jade would kill me if I let you go in there.”
He drops me in the backseat on my side. I let out a huff as the ache hits me hard.
“Oh, Jesse,” Jade says sadly from the front. I sigh. I hate letting her see me like this. I’m supposed to be strong. I’m supposed to protect her.
“Hey, Jade,” I groan.
“What
