“No,” she said. “This is…this happened because of me. Because of you.”
“No,” I told her, firm behind my words, “this happened because Dean antagonized her, because he wouldn’t give up. Don’t blame yourself for this, and don’t blame me.” Don’t blame me, even though it was sort of my fault.
It was different, though. Blaming myself versus having Kelsey blame me. The former was true, but I didn’t want the latter. Having Kelsey’s blame was…well, it hurt.
“I knew we couldn’t be together,” she muttered under her breath, shaking her head.
“Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that.” The waiting room was mostly quiet, so it was kind of awkward to raise my voice in such a silent space, especially when the topic of conversation was us. “This has nothing to do with you and me. We both know the video sent her spiraling.” I lowered my voice, whispering, “Did you see it?”
I didn’t know why I had to ask, but I did. Knowing Kelsey might’ve seen the video, Mel and I together…it wasn’t something I ever wanted her to see. I didn’t want her to see the video and start to picture me with Mel, that I was lying to her how I lied to Mel. Things weren’t like that with Kelsey, and I’d go down on that ship, whether it would sink or stay afloat.
“No,” Kelsey whispered. “I didn’t, but…does it matter?” She lifted her feet off the floor, bringing them to the edge of the seat. She wrapped her arms around her legs, holding them to her chest as she side-eyed me. “What if…what if she doesn’t make it?” A total switch of topics, one that caught me off-guard.
“She will.” I hoped I sounded as confident as I wanted to be. The truth, however, was that I was not as confident as I should be. I didn’t know the answer to her question, didn’t know how Kelsey and I could ever move on from this if Mel didn’t make it.
If Mel died…I was almost one hundred percent sure that spelled the end of Kelsey and I. Every time she looked at me, she’d just think of Mel, and I couldn’t do that to her. She would always have doubts, regrets, pangs of guilt when she was with me.
Fuck.
“But if she doesn’t, what are we going to do?” Kelsey asked. “I never thought…I didn’t know she was this bad. I didn’t know she was this close to…to trying to kill herself again. If I’d have known, I…” A lot of pauses in between her words, her mind trying to think of what to say next.
This was a situation where neither of us knew quite what to say.
I reached for her again, this time setting my hand on her back. Thankfully, she did not shirk away from my touch like she did moments before. “It wasn’t your job to watch her, Kelsey.”
“As a friend, I should have,” she stated, firmly believing what she was saying. “I should have done more, as her friend.” She let out a chuckle, but it wasn’t a pretty, melodic sound. The very opposite. “I’m a shitty friend all around, can’t do anything right.”
“Don’t say that.”
“But it’s true.” Those big brown eyes were on me again, and this time they held me prisoner. I could not look away. “I’m a shitty friend, Blue. I fuck everyone I shouldn’t.” Her words, not exactly spoken in a whisper, caused a few of the other people waiting to be taken in to either glare at her harshly or glance at her curiously.
The last thing I wanted to think about was her with that rich boy, so I muttered, “Stop. Stop it. If you don’t stop it, I’ll drag you out of here right now.”
Her gaze narrowed. “You wouldn’t.”
“I would. You really want to test me?” This girl should know that I was not one to be tested. “I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you out of here kicking and screaming if I have to.”
Kelsey shook her head slightly, though I could see a teeny smile starting to form. “They’d probably call the cops.”
“Let them. By the time the cops arrived, we’d be long gone.”
“Not if they send their own security—”
I leaned into her, whispering, “Do you want to test out your theory?” Honestly, I’d give anything to help make Kelsey feel better, to stop the guilt that I knew was budding and blossoming inside her.
Could help to kill the guilt residing in me, too.
It was bizarre, because I was not the type of guy to feel guilty. Before Kelsey, I hardly cared. I hated Dean and the fraternity, but I never felt remorseful for the things I did or said. I didn’t care enough to. But, again, when Kelsey stormed into my life like a tidal wave I couldn’t run from, she’d changed me.
She made me want to be better, which I couldn’t say about anyone else.
Kelsey’s gaze dropped to my mouth, and I knew what was on her mind—impossible not to, with the way her expression softened. Us. Together. Her lips curled into the saddest smile I’d ever seen, and she leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder. “What am I going to do with you, Blue?”
A dozen things popped up in my head, most of them not appropriate to say, given where we were and what was happening. “I can come up with a list, if you want,” I offered, taming back my wild thoughts. My thoughts usually were chaotic and unburdened when it came to Kelsey. “We could run through the list and check them all off one by one.”
She chuckled softly. This chuckle held traces of sorrow laced with despair, as if she’d given up.
