“If you get yourself under control,” Blake agreed while Kyan just glowered.
“Consider it done.” Though I had no fucking idea if I could even manage that aside from knowing that if something else went wrong tonight, I was fairly sure my brain would self combust.
I turned and headed straight for the crypt, needing to lose myself in exercise, exhaust the beast in me so that it didn’t have enough energy left for rage and I could regain control over my own thoughts.
I managed to raise my trembling fingers to the control panel on the wall and set a playlist running, the angry tones of the classical music reaching out and stroking the beast in me in a desperate attempt to calm it.
I cranked the volume, higher and higher and higher until the voices in my head were drowned out by the power of it. I was going to work out until I was bleeding and everyone in the entire school died from hearing too much goddamn Beethoven.
My sweatpants were still cold and wet from the lake and drops of ice cold water ran down my back from my hair, but the physical discomfort was a good thing. It was a welcome distraction from the mental discomfort which threatened to consume me. And as I fell into the rhythm of the exercise, I tried to let my body take over and my mind fall still.
Of course it made no difference yet, but I wouldn’t stop until it had. Until there was nothing in my mind but silence and the venom in my blood had washed away.
***
Four and a half hours of abusing my body was what it took to still my rage, though the chaos of my mind still ruled.
My limbs were trembling and I could barely stand, but I forced my spine to straighten through pure will before quieting the music which still crashed from the speakers.
Silence fell so heavily that it made the air easier to breathe. My ears were ringing from so many symphonies that I was almost certain I wouldn’t have been able to name all of the ones I’d listened to. Sweat coated my skin and my mouth was so dry that my tongue felt swollen.
I took the stairs slowly, rising up out of the crypt like the demon I was and pausing before the door at the top as I spotted a plate of food and a tall glass of water waiting for me.
My fists clenched as I realised I’d missed dinner. My ritual was so beyond fucked that I couldn’t even bear to think about it.
But one of my brothers had known. Had left this secret solution here for me so that I didn’t have to face the dilemma of cooking and eating at the wrong time on top of everything else. I demolished the sandwiches and drained the water, soothing the growl of hunger in my stomach which had been vying for my attention for hours.
I continued my ascent as soon as I was done, opening the door and heading into the living area.
My heart stilled in my chest as I spotted her sitting on the couch, wedged between Kyan and Blake like they were two muscular book ends.
Monroe wasn’t here. And I guessed her presence meant they’d trusted my word that I could contain myself.
“Bed,” I commanded, dragging my gaze away from her as I headed for the stairs.
I couldn’t bear to look at her. I didn’t want to see that defiance in her gaze and know that she’d enjoyed cutting me open and laying me to ruin. I didn’t want to face the fact that she held enough power to do that to me.
My feet pounded up the wooden stairs and I ignored the whispers passing between the three of them behind me.
I headed into my closet and dropped my sodden sweatpants at last, throwing them in the laundry basket before stalking through the perfectly hung clothes to the drawers at the back of the space. I retrieved a pair of white boxers for myself and reached out to grab the closest nightdress I could for Tatum without looking at it.
I don’t give a shit what she wears anyway…
I turned away from the sight of the other options, clenched my jaw, closed my eyes and tried to convince myself to keep walking.
No. Can’t do it.
Fuck my life.
I took a step back, glanced at the pink silk in my fist and huffed out a breath before hanging it back away carefully. I thumbed through the options as quickly as I could, settling on a matching set of black silk shorts and a cami with a lace trim.
I stalked back into my room butt naked, placing her clothes down on the end of the bed without looking at her where she lingered by the top of the stairs.
“Saint…” she breathed.
A low growl sounded in the base of my throat and I kept walking until I was in my bathroom where I tossed the door closed behind me.
Rage was prickling beneath my skin again and I needed to sink further into my ritual to banish it. I doubted I’d be able to offer her anything other than silence at best, but I only had to make it until midnight. A single hour.
Then the lights would go off and I’d…well, I wouldn’t sleep at first. I’d lay down and close my eyes and try to force myself to sleep. And once she drifted off and her breathing grew steady, I’d open my eyes and roll onto my side so that I could watch her. Study her. Envy her for the hours she spent in slumber while my demons whispered in my ears to keep me awake.
But then I would find sleep. Easier than on the nights when
