Dominic had kissed her like a man possessed. A man who wanted to possess her. Nellie lightly touched her lips. There was no doubting that the man lusted after her. Desired her as much as she desired him. But that meant nothing. He was engaged to another woman. He planned to marry another woman.
All she could ever hope for was to be Dominic’s mistress, just as the Duke of Ashmore had assumed. Despite her protestations to the contrary, hadn’t she proven that she was just the sort of woman who would become a man’s mistress? The shame consuming Nellie increased its painful grip. It seemed she wasn’t the woman she thought she was. She was a woman who could let her passions control her and cause her to make foolish decisions.
She had been a fool to let her desires possess her in such a reckless manner. She should have controlled herself. Or at least tried, but she hadn’t even done that.
And if Lady Cecily hadn’t appeared at the doorway, would they still be making love? She looked over at the library table. An excited tremor rippled through her body, answering that question for her. She closed her eyes. Wasn’t that something she had been dreaming about since she first laid eyes on Mr Dominic Lockhart? Something she thought would never happen. Something she knew should never happen. Something that must never happen again.
There was no denying the attraction between herself and Dominic. She desired him, more than she would once have thought possible. And that look in his eyes when he kissed her, the insistency of that kiss, that demanding need she felt when he was holding her close, made it clear just how strong his desire for her was.
But all there could ever be between them was something physical. And for her that could never be enough. As much as her body craved him, she would not be his mistress. She did not want to be some wealthy man’s bit on the side, even if that wealthy man was Dominic Lockhart.
Such an arrangement would be insulting to Nellie and insulting to Lady Cecily. And if it was something that Dominic would countenance, then he wasn’t the sort of man she had assumed him to be.
She placed her finger back on the spine of his childhood book. If she was being completely honest, she could never be his mistress because that wasn’t what she really wanted. It wasn’t just that it would be morally wrong. It was because it would not be enough. Giving herself to Dominic had been about more than just lust. It was much more than that.
Her hand dropped back to her side. She had done the stupidest thing she could imagine. She had fallen in love with Dominic Lockhart, a man so unattainable it was ridiculous to even think about such things. Only a stupid, stupid woman from her class would fall for a man from Dominic’s class. Nellie had always arrogantly thought herself smarter than most women, less gullible, and certainly less naive to the ways of the world. But it seemed she was wrong. A smart, sensible woman would never be so foolish as to fall in love with an unattainable man from the wrong class who was already engaged to be married. It was obvious Nellie was neither smart nor sensible.
She leaned against the table and took her head in her hands. Hopefully, Dominic had no idea what she felt for him. She would hate to think that he knew she was in love with him. That would cause too many complications. Despite what had just happened, she knew that Dominic was still an honourable man. If he knew she was in love with him it would make things even more complicated than they already were. He would feel responsible for her as much as he did for Lady Cecily. And she couldn’t have that. Much better if he just saw her as a wanton woman who was easily seduced.
Nellie’s choices were becoming obvious. She was in love with Dominic Lockhart, but the most she could ever be to him was a mistress. She did not want to be his mistress. But she was incapable of resisting her passion for him—hadn’t she just proven that?
She quickly stood up from the table as if it was burning into her and looked down at the inoffensive piece of furniture as if it was somehow partly responsible for what had happened. The moment he had kissed her she had been lost. If he wanted her again, could she ever find the strength to deny what she also wanted? Were her protestations that she would never become any man’s mistress genuine? No matter how much her rational mind told her it was wrong, the driving desires of her body were stronger than her rational mind. The truth was she could not resist Dominic Lockhart.
If she was to avoid becoming the mistress of a rich man, there was only one thing she could do. Never see him again.
She turned from the table and faced the door. And never seeing him again would be the kindest thing she could do for Dominic. All she had done since she had come into his life was cause problems for him. The only reason she was in his home was because she was trying to repay her guilty debt to him for causing him to be beaten by thugs. She had styled his sister’s hair as promised, so that guilty debt
