And she’d been wearing that heart on her sleeve for me, exposed and utterly vulnerable.
I’d made a vow to myself that I’d safeguard it. I knew what a rare gift it was, especially for a bent bastard like me, to have someone give me that, to consider me worthy of that. To trust me with that.
The sentiment cruel to be kind kept playing in my head. I had to protect her. It was what I did, what I’d been doing, and what I would always do. No matter the cost.
That had all been fine when the cost had been me.
But to do it now, to protect her from me right now, that cost would be a lot harder to swallow.
Sometimes doing the right thing didn’t feel right.
Especially when it meant hurting the woman I loved.
“So, this is another way you sublimate your frustration? Knife-throwing?” Ashley spoke through the lingering silence between us, pulling me from my maudlin thoughts.
I frowned. “Frustration?”
“I heard about my dad benching you.”
“Anarchy?”
She nodded. “He was concerned.” She gave me a look. “And, unlike you, apparently, he thought it was important that I was in the loop. You know, so I could support you? Do what functional couples do?”
“You don’t think we’re functional?”
Folding her arms across her chest, she said, “I think you’re holding back. And not your usual holding back with your need to keep control over yourself. This seems to be something more. You’re… pulling away from me, aren’t you?”
“I am.”
She started in surprise at my easy admission.
“Okay,” she said, unsure. “So, are you going to stop?”
“No.”
Her brow furrowed. “What?”
She looked so worried, biting her lip and pulling her hands up inside my jacket, physically trying to shield herself from what was to come. It cut at me something fierce. I knew my somber expression was giving away too much already. I just couldn’t contain the intensity of my regret at having to go this route with her. It wasn’t what I wanted. It felt… wrong. Unnatural, even.
But it was for the best, for her.
And she really did deserve the best in every way.
“Let’s talk inside,” I said, taking her arm. She let me lead her inside up to our room. I shut the door behind me and leaned against it.
“Finn?” she urged, and I knew I had to get down to it ASAP, before she realized what I was about to do and my chance to explain properly went out the window.
I sighed heavily, then told her, “I was living a life as a virtual recluse for almost two years. I’d closed myself off to my old life.” I raised my gaze to hers. “And then I was pulled back in. I thought I could deal with everything that it dredged up. But the shock of it, not having time to prepare a smooth transitioning return to all of this… madness… it’s taken its toll. That dark part of me that I’d buried down deep has surged and it wants out.”
“Baby,” she said sadly, reaching out and stroking my face.
Her touch burned me down to the bone. So warm, so gentle, so soothing. Knowing that all of it was going to be gone in the blink of an eye was a brutal thought. I couldn’t even imagine how much worse it would be in reality.
I jerked back and moved away from the door, needing to put some distance between us.
“You don’t want me touching you?” she asked, hurt lacing her words.
“You shouldn’t be around me, not when I’m like this.”
“I’m not worried, Finn.”
“I am!”
She jolted at the vehemence in my tone, clearly not expecting me to snap like that. Hell, it wasn’t the way I normally operated at all. It was just more evidence that I was losing the battle against the monster within.
"This is about me seducing you in the hallway, isn’t it? Look, if anyone should be pissed about that, it’s me.”
“Excuse me?”
“I thought you were right there with me letting go, getting lost in us. But you weren’t. You put a condom on.”
“You’re mad at me for having the presence of mind to wrap it up?”
“No!” she yelled, that fire of hers exploding forth. “It’s what it represents. You were still operating with rigid control. All your faculties intact. You didn’t let go at all. You left me all alone in it. I thought you just needed time, after what you explained up at the safehouse. But sex is different, isn’t it? So, I realized it’s me. I don’t make you lose yourself. I don’t bring that same mindless, unable-to-string-a-single-thought-together passion to you that you do to me. So, believe me, your control when it comes to me is just fine.”
“The fact that I let it happen at all proves it isn’t,” I countered. “I don’t do shit like that. I’m very careful. And it’s for a damned good reason. That twisted part of me is just looking for an opportunity to get the fuck out. Over the last while it’s gotten too many of those. All the people I’ve taken out, the aggression, violence and brutality. Then diving into a relationship with you. All of that involves intense emotion, the thing that feeds the twisted thing inside of me.”
She cocked her hip, frowning in thought. “So, your plan is to cut off all emotion and exist like a frigging robot for the rest of your life?”
“I have to calm things down, yes.”
“You idiot,” she said, taking off my leather jacket wrapped around her and tossing it over a nearby chair.
Agitation sparked in me. “What?”
She stomped toward me. “You’re an idiot,” she repeated, getting my back up now it was clear no apology was coming. “Maybe it’s because you’ve been apart from the world for so long, but life doesn’t work that way. You can’t micromanage things to that extent. And you can’t shut down, because you’re a human being with feelings whether you like it or not.”
“Ashley, I know what I’m doing. I’ve had to do it before and
